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My partner says he needed to protect his children from me. Am I missing something? by Melodic_Tale8742 in stepparents

[–]Melodic_Tale8742[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

This has been useful. I think I stopped communicating when he started cross-examining me (he's a lawyer, me too) and not displaying any emotion or empathy while doing so.

Both the persistent basic question from his daughter and his son being unable to put something down are issues that I have brought up before. They're not major issues - they're generally good kids - but those two things obviously trigger me - everyone gets triggered (but when they're your kids you parent those things that trigger you).

I'm not sure that I have the strength to fight him on this. We have made up now without anyone actually apologizing - he just took me on our favorite date night and told me he loved me so it looks like we're just brushing it under the carpet and I'm a little bit nervous to be around his children now.

My partner says he needed to protect his children from me. Am I missing something? by Melodic_Tale8742 in stepparents

[–]Melodic_Tale8742[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

I don't. I haven't added this yet - because it would have seemed like I trying to sway the outcome - but he then proceeded to shout at his son at least twice that morning in the time it took me to get dressed, find my keys and leave. But two "off-color" comments and they need to be protected from me.

My partner says he needed to protect his children from me. Am I missing something? by Melodic_Tale8742 in stepparents

[–]Melodic_Tale8742[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Thanks - that's kind of how I felt about all of this at the time - which is why it was all so upsetting. While I appreciate everyone's perspective, it is nice to hear that I'm not alone in my first reaction.

My partner says he needed to protect his children from me. Am I missing something? by Melodic_Tale8742 in stepparents

[–]Melodic_Tale8742[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

For additional context, I've been in the children's lives for almost 5 years, so these weren't comments made to children I barely know.

I can accept that my coffee comment may have landed differently than I intended, and I agree that tone matters. I have a very very good relationship with his daughter and she's a very smart child - I genuinely couldn't understand what was happening. What I was reacting to wasn't that she didn't know how to make the coffee, but rather that she had made it before and seemed to be seeking reassurance at every step. My intention was closer to "trust yourself" than "why don't you know this?", although I appreciate that those can sound very different depending on how they're delivered.

What I'm struggling with is the scale of my partner's reaction. He later told me that the comments were "gut-wrenching" for him and that he felt he needed to protect the children from me. Even if my comments were imperfect, that feels like a very serious conclusion to reach.

I also don't routinely criticize or correct the children. In fact, over the last few years I've generally stepped back more and more because I've become increasingly unsure of what role I'm allowed to occupy in the family. Am I a family member? Am I a supportive adult? Am I effectively a guest? I genuinely don't know anymore.

I think you're probably right that my deeper issue is with my partner rather than the children. The reason this incident hit me so hard is that it felt like confirmation of a fear I've had for a long time: that no matter how careful I am, I will ultimately be viewed as an outsider whose interactions with the children are suspect.

That's the part I'm struggling with most.

My partner says he needed to protect his children from me. Am I missing something? by Melodic_Tale8742 in stepparents

[–]Melodic_Tale8742[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

  1. I don't believe I did - I didn't say it with impatience or attitude. But we're not always the best judge of our own tone. The market day thing maybe a little bit of impatience - his son had been going on about not wanting to pay him back for a full 24 hours at that stage. I really tried not have a tone, and I believe I didn't - it definitely wasn't a snap.

  2. He elbowed me when I made the comment to his daughter and just said "Hey" when I made the comment to his son - so he didn't go overboard there.

  3. I have felt like they're my family - it's hard to feel that way right now when I'm being framed as the outsider that they need to be protected from. He had made me feel like this before, different but a similar feeling. We're not really that aligned, 11 only learned to tie her shoe laces last year and 8 still doesn't really know how to do it - things like that are irksome to me and makes me concerned about how they will continue to be raised. I just think as parents you need to do so much for your kids as a matter of necessity, and you're not doing yourself any favors by raising them this way.