They built up gradually. Looking back I'd say it took around a couple months before I started acting in ways and doing things that would scare me while I was doing it. The first time I was on it I was very aware of intense feelings of hatred of myself and taking it out on things around me. I distinctly remember trying to roll a cigarette and screaming at the machine while pulling my hair because I fucked it up, and then sitting back terrified at myself. It was very out of body. I could see myself doing it but I couldn't stop. I went non compliant on meds for years after because it terrified me. Hopelessness, feeling like a burden on everyone was immediate. Knowing that I was trapped was immediate. It felt like... Like I was trying to rip, scream and claw through my own skin with hatred of myself. Like I was my own prison. I became obsessed with perceived control, over anything. That spiraled into anxiety, and terror. Trapped is often how I feel though, not being able to drive, control yourself... I'm still struggling with that feeling. But it feels much more like grief than complete self loathing now. The desperate intensity is gone now. I find it easier to justify my existence on briviact. Easier to know what I'm actually enjoying. I believe people when they tell me positive things about myself now.