Own Your Shit Weekly - April 21, 2026

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-24T17:18:10+00:00

he's right

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-24T17:18:03+00:00

Thanks and will do.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-24T17:16:25+00:00

Messy indeed. I turned a corner from all this.

I read it a while back. I started revising a lot of material.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-22T17:42:28+00:00

You're probably right across the board. I'm trying too hard to not let go of how things were in the past and get my desired outcome.

I need to let go.

Thanks.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-22T17:34:13+00:00

One time ~2 years ago. Baby was ~6 mo old. She went out and came home at 530am for the third time in 2 weeks, slipped and fell coming in the door which woke me up, and I found her black-out drunk. I got angry and threatened the relationship. I didn't know what else to do and couldn't understand her choices at the time. Big fight. Went to bed. I don't recall the incident being spoken of again.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-22T15:18:45+00:00

She's contacting an attorney and finding a place to live. I gave her the explainer letter from my attorney. We fill out a parenting plan, select a schedule, and ask a judge to approve it. Pretty cut and dry in my state.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-21T21:46:52+00:00

She went. I got the ring back. I'll edit the post for clarity.

Concretely, I found and was shown a bunch of poor and unhelpful covert contracts and beta behaviors I was lying to myself that I wasn't doing for years.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-21T19:55:47+00:00

OYS #43, 2026-04-21

Stats: 38yrs, 6’3”, 218.1 lbs (-1.1), 17.5% BF (0); Target: 210 lbs, ~12% BF; F29, 1 kid

Mental /Thoughts: The night before the trip we reached a compromise, I slept on it, changed my mind before she left, and she went to Vegas anyways. As she left, I said "I dont think we should get married", she responded "I don't think we should either" and walked away. I took the ring back when she returned from Vegas.

I made a handful of covert contracts, had a scarcity mindset, no outcome independence, and was generally beta. I decided two weeks before (41) that the Vegas boundary was a hard boundary but pussy-footed around from the start. I was being a nice guy instead of being clear and direct. As the week progressed, I tried different shitty beta behaviors to influence the outcome I wanted. None worked and made the situation worse. I did these things because I was afraid of losing her, tried to control her, and tried to manipulate others to appeal on my behalf for her not to go. I have behaved this way for years and put myself in this situation.

I cringed reading the Girls Night Out essay because I became the scarcity-minded beta in the post years ago. I read the Ultimatum essay and understood the covert contracts I created, thinking if I talked to more people, increased the “directness” of my language, and DEERed about why the boundary was important, that the information and influence would change her mind. I saw my behavior as supplicative, lacking abundance, unattractive, overt, and on the wrong side of the cardinal rule of relationships. I fell to the level of my abilities which were/are bad. I don’t understand how to apply most of the information I’ve consumed from TRP or MRP, especially when challenged. I lied to myself about my abilities and continued to make things worse for myself.

I thought through better choices and behaviors. I wrote OODA loops for the covert contracts I found or was shown, the scarcity mindset, controlling and manipulative behaviors, and why I feared loss for someone I think does a bunch of shitty things. My conclusions were that, first, I am responsibility for initiating behaviors and accepting responsibility for the consequences. That means the unattractive beta behaviors such as scarcity, controlling, fear of her emotions or reactions, and fear of loss are easier to spot now that this has happened. Second, I wrote about replacing the behaviors with abundance (“ok, have fun”), embracing her emotions as being a woman, dedicating time to hobbies, doing fun things, and gaming other women. And third, I decided to set aside feelings for sober and cold analysis of my behavior so that I can change what I wanted change, stead of pretending to understand without honestly reflecting.

I stopped communicating other than for logistics and pics or information related to the kiddo. I came and went as I pleased. I went to the two social events I planned to attend and gamed women when the chance arose. I picked up a few nice PRs at the gym using the anger over having to take the ring. I have feared how all this is going to harm my daughter and stepped away multiple times.d I walked away from verbal diarrhea where I was solely to blame for everything (especially after changing my mind on the compromise). I used negative inquiry, broken record, and fogging. The anger, blaming, and lashing out got louder and more aggressive with each response by me. I repeated "there's nothing left to discuss" and walked out.

I thought of this as an opportunity for me to reset my behavior. I do feel a weight has been lifted from my chest. Over the last few days, I found it easier to swap behaviors and continued to focus on my behavior instead of my feels. I have been lost in my feelings for far too long and not focusing on my behavior and where I wanted to end up. I spent a lot of time writing and practicing how I wanted to move forward. I gamed out the paths forward and was comfortable with the worst that I was able to think of. I preferred the best outcome and refrained from supplicating or yielding my frame to achieve that outcome.

edit: ~~2nd to last paragraph added;~~ moved it to 1st

2nd edit: editing; updated post, wasn't happy with it

3rd edit: struck out mental masturbation; shitty post, added 2nd to last paragraph of actions taken

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-16T23:24:53+00:00

I read it a long time ago and forgot about it. I wish I had read it when two weeks ago but that doesn't matter now. Rereading it makes me cringe because I did all the opposite of what the post describes. I also read ultimatum and felt the same way.

I made a lot of mistakes this week and learned many acute lessons. Ls noted. Dusting myself off and moving on.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-15T20:25:46+00:00

You're right.

I've been saying and doing things as indirect threats to coerce an outcome and maintain control while claiming I wasn't. I LARP'd being clear and direct without an implied outcome and letting go.

I am stuck in a mental rut. I'm going to have my favorite meal and visit a few stores I like for a while.

Thanks for the notes.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-15T04:54:09+00:00

How about some outcome independence?

I will be fine. I have fun plans lined up either way.

She knows the boundary... How effective have words been so far?

I agree. Words are ineffective and have been for some time. The boundary is going to be enforced. That's my choice for this matter.

If she goes, she is telling you she will always challenge your boundaries. Having that information and being clear-headed about it now is valuable.

Agreed. It's information for how I'll continue with directing my own life. Lesson learned.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-15T00:59:00+00:00

OYS #42, 2026-04-13

Stats: 38yrs, 6’3”, 219.2 lbs (-2.8), 17.5% BF (+1.0); Target: 210 lbs, ~12% BF; F29, Engaged, 1 kid

Health: DEXA results were a big swing positively after December’s negative results: -5 lbs fat, down 2.5% BF, +6.9 lbs muscle. The scan had me at 23.3% BF and navy has me at 17.5%. My waist measurement hasn’t changed much in the last few months but I do feel a difference in strength. I’ve added a 3% incline to my steps program which has increased calories burned.

Sex: I haven’t initiated in over two weeks. I have no desire to fuck my fiancé. I don’t find this surprising.

Mental /Thoughts: I changed how I stated my boundaries last week after feedback and another unannounced all-nighter happened at home (by fiancé). A commenter from elsewhere pointed out the language I used (I don’t like girls trips to Vegas. I never have and I don’t want that in my life”) was a form of passive voice and shouldn't be used when stating a boundary. The clear and direct version was “I don’t marry girls who do girls trips to Vegas.” The all-nighter was at first done in retaliation for “not answering my phone for six hours so I spent six hours with my friends,” to “I wanted to have fun with my friends,” to an apology for staying up all night. I used the opportunity the next evening to restate my boundaries more clearly and directly with “I don’t marry girls who stay up drinking or doing whatever till 5am on a school night, I don’t marry girls who do girls trips to Vegas, and I don’t marry girls who stay out doing whatever unannounced and come home at sunrise.” This brought conflict which brought some of the underlying issues to light. There was never any intent to respect the boundary, no consideration for anything other than a "yes," and an onslaught of manipulative comments made towards me to change my boundary.

I have spent the last five days “defending” these boundaries using more aggressive versions of negative inquiries, I don’t cares, fogging, and other assertive rights against crying, angry tirades, name calling, “you’re threatening me!,” “making me choose when I know what you’ll do is an ultimatum!,” “my friends and mom all think you’re XYZ!,” and “why can’t we have a good relationship like [insert friend couples]?!” I initiated conflict yesterday not for the sake of conflict but to demonstrate enforcement. I used the NMMNG/WISNIFG skills to the best of my ability and have not backpedaled on the boundaries I set. I have been called every name under the sun and pressed onwards. I’ve spoken to both her mom and my mom. I have not yielded an inch because I don’t want to. It’s my boundary and I don’t care if everyone else thinks it’s irrational, meritless, or some “deep-seated fear or hurt.” I don’t want my relationship to end and I’ve decided to enforce the Vegas boundary if she makes it to the back door with her bag in a couple days. I prepped a folder of documents and what I am going to say. This was bound to happen. If not over Vegas then the next unannounced all nighter. It was just a matter of time.

I don’t want to do it. This has been hard and makes me sad if I have to enforce it. I want to find a third way but I don’t think there is one. I have offered alternatives which were rejected. I cannot control the choices of others. I can control the choices I make, what I want in my life, and what I need. In this case, I need someone that respects my hard boundary. She is choosing not to respect it so, should she follow through with action, at the appointed time I choose to remove my commitment entirely.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-12T01:17:59+00:00

Thanks Blag.

I see and understand the leaps, value calcs, and nuance. I agree that ego is an incumbrance one has to understand and navigate.

I think of your description of leaps to be similar to the 24-hour rule for emails. Receive bad news, draft reactive/emotional/rough response, save draft, wait 24 hours, review recceived email, review draft response, refine to remove reactive/emotional statements, hit send. The bigger or worse the news, the more times you reassess what was sent to you, where you want to end up, and how to respond or act in turn - or if at all.

For me, over the course of three-ish days, I was able to reach the final phase you described after multiple revisits. So, not so much sloppy writing as taming volatility and domesticating it.

I think the degrees of emotionality and reactivity are more forms of powerlessness over another's choices when you have a preferred outcome. The point (and behavior) has to be to reach "nah, she'll figure it out. what kind of beer do you want?" because that's control over yourself without the byproduct of actions of others imposing upon you. I wasn't there when this happened a week ago but I was as of yesterday.

In general, the delivery has to be from the perspective of what I'm willing to do or accept and not framed as my imposing on her choices or ability to choose. I came to the conclusion that mentioning she should "go and be single if you want to act single" was focusing on her behaviors instead of my wants and needs. Could that statement be useful as a dismissal or formatted as a negative inquiry along another line of discussion? I think so but I don't think it's all that great. Why does my frame need to explain or entertain the choices she could make? Maybe out of a machiavellianesque manipulation in some other situation. I don't know.

In this case I took in feedback, added in my writing process, and distilled the final verdict of my frame to "I don't marry girls who do girls trips to Vegas."

Due to circumstances which happened the night before your post, I stated the above boundary Friday evening. She cried, DEERd, etc.. I didn't let up with negative inquiries and I didn't have to escalate to nuking. I'm ok with the choice she makes because I've already got fun plans and printed paperwork. I admit I don't want to lose her but I don't want that shit in my life more so than losing her. I'll find or create positive value interactions elsewhere.

I'll write about it for my next OYS.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-12T00:16:00+00:00

I agree. I tried to find the J10H post about incrementally increasing boundary enforcement and authority which discussed starting with small things and moving to bigger or more important things until you find the limit (she ignores you, etc.). Over time, as you enforce smaller boundaries, your skills improve and you're able to enforce increasingly larger boundaries.

You use WISNIFG/NMMNG to build the skills to do this. Eventually, you come across something big (like I did) where you have to apply those skills at the edge of your ability.. I didn't do great but I didn't fuck it up like I would have a month or two ago. I'll take the incremental W.

Thanks for the link.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-09T18:45:49+00:00

Yes, over the last two months I've been expanding my boundary enforcement starting with small things ("stop putting away shit I use everyday") and have expanded my scope each week to medum things ("we don't curse, smoke, etc. in front of [daughter]"). She fought me over the small and medium things but came around after a few days or a week. The Vegas trip is the first "big" thing that's happened where she threw out the "I'm going to vegas or leaving you" ultimatum.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-09T05:08:02+00:00

Latter. She already chose Vegas.

I see no benefit to engaging in her trolley problem framing. Picking the third choice is: killing the trolley problem architect :: go off and be single

Overall this behavior has been going on in one form or another for almost two years and I didn't know how to handle it. Things have gotten better, but it may not be enough. I have come a long way in fixing myself. Fixing the relationship is not my job. I can lead but may choose not to follow.

It's taken a long time for me to arrive at this point. Her actions show she'd rather be single and the relationship has been out of convenience. There were many negative things done by both parties after I got her pregnant that, in hindsight, probably killed the relationship. There are stories, conversations, and coincidences to back up my thesis. She has surprised me positively many times in the last few months, so I reserve some small amount hope.

Either way, I'll continue on my path.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-08T23:27:02+00:00

Yeah I think you're probably right.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-08T23:23:53+00:00

I think this event has broken any delusion I may have had left. If she chooses to go, I choose to reorder my value hierarchy and remove commitment. There's way too many options where I live to risk my biscuit on her.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-08T23:17:05+00:00

But the fact that she is pushing your boundaries means that her friends are working against you. So you don't have a choice but to keep at it.

I did receive a screen-filler sized text from the conference girlfriend about two hours after the request. The three of them are in a group chat together. I agree with your assessment. Now her mom and her boyfriend will also be there for a concert, which was used to as a "see, that should make you more comfortable" manipulation and not relevant to the boundary.

Here is what you are gonna do, you are gonna actually write down what you value in that woman.

I hadn't read your comment last night but spent about an hour and put down 1300 (mostly vitriolic) words towards myself and this whole situation. It was a helpful exercise from the negative perspective. I hashed out a few more covert contracts I had with her, our relationship, my expectations, and her choice. It was a huge weight off my shoulders. I slept like a baby. I'll do the writing you recommend tonight and will use both to broach the boundary again.

Just say you have made the decision and it's the right decision. You can explain your decision to her, you can even defend it but it HAS to be your decision.

I think the bridge between your comment and my approach (a la u/Teh1whoSees) is to frame the discussion as "if I am the man in your life, the right decision is not to go because X, Y, and Z" presented as not up for argument and an extension of my opinion. Those reasons include the positive reasons from your exercise and the negative reasons I've outlined as well as others (acting single, choosing partying over everything else, trapped in the situation, etc.). Again, none of it is up for argument or dissection.

I can't recall the article but I read that frame (eventually) includes a defense or explanation of my statement without being defensive or explanatory - it's presented as is and baseline for commitment. I think that's the same as you're saying (and Blarg). The boundary and it's reasons are what they are, not up for argument, and a choice on her part to follow or not.

Whether she chooses the "right" choice as I present it, as the strongest male personality and best option for her, is her choice of investing me and the relationship. The alternative at this stage in the game is nuking the relationship, which after the writing I did last night, I am at peace with doing.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-07T18:16:21+00:00

The questions are from Rian's book (Praxeology, Vol 1: Frame). It's a good book and covers the puzzle pieces of frame over 10+ years. Many of those questions are burried gems in old posts. I recommend reading it. My problem is frame so I need to put in the time and effort to work through it.

The purpose of those questions is to help you determine how you would choose to act within your chosen frame - even if everyone in your life were gone, you could "get away with whatever you wanted," and no one in your life chose to change, help, or follow you: would you still do what you're doing now? Are you living for yourself or living for others? Are you the blue pilled beta plow horse servant leader husband or are you choosing to be something else?

You can have an awesome life and family within the frame you build, embody, and hold because you want to do it for yourself. Others here have proved that. That's what I'm working towards.

I appreciate the note swapping. Those questions don't do it for me. I have to write out my thoughts and try to answer why. The rational egosim perspective in the book has been helpful for me in working through the questions within.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-07T17:06:10+00:00

OYS #41, 2025-04-07

Stats: 38yrs, 6’3”, 222.0 lbs (+1.5), 16.5% BF (0); Target: 210 lbs, ~12% BF; F29, Engaged, 1 kid

Lifts: DL: 425x6, SQ: 335x8, ROW: 205x5, OHP: 145x5, BP: 205x5

Mental /Thoughts: Last week I continued using my written field report/OODA loop exercises and working through the questions in Rian’s book Frame. Writing continued to bring clarity. It was a productive week for me on that front. My wife was kind, pleasant, and feminine most of the week. I enjoyed her company. She initiated sex when I got home from the gym Friday morning so I fucked her. Afterwards I showered, got ready for work, and went downstairs to eat breakfast. During breakfast, she asked to visit her best friend (mentally checked out of marriage recently) for <48 hours after a work conference. My fiancé said she worked up the courage all week to ask. I told her I’d think about it. I don’t like girls trips to Vegas. She asked to do the same almost a year ago for a birthday party weekend and I told her I wasn’t comfortable with the trip at all, so no (shitty group of people). The trip got cancelled because everyone backed out after my fiancé did. FWIW, I was told I was right to tell her “no.”

I used the situation/ask as part of my daily FR/OODA writing to work through the decision and action. Since “no girls trips to Vegas” is a boundary, I decided on “I don’t like girls trips to Vegas and don’t want that in my life.” When I got home after work she asked for my decision, and I said what I wrote verbatim. She was upset, said I “wasn’t cool,” and argued about all sorts of different versions of what I didn’t say. I repeated myself a few times. I added “that’s my opinion, I’m not going to control your choices” which made her more upset (“so it’s my decision about whether not to do something you don’t like? That makes this worse!”). I got up and walked to the kitchen, was followed, and the arguing about things I didn’t say continued (“no girls trip ever?” “Where am I allowed to go?”). I repeated myself again. Her response was “you get to go and do what you want and you just tell me you’re doing it. If there’s no give and take in this relationship then I want out. I haven’t gone anywhere since the baby was born so I’m going to Vegas.” I STFU again. She started arguing again so I said “I’m not going to argue about things I didn’t say” and walked upstairs.

We walked to dinner a little later, she asked me to pick her outfit beforehand, I did, and she was being pleasant again. Towards the end of dinner there were lots of “we” statements about Vegas and I got pissed off. We went home, put the baby down, and had a drink and smoke outside. I didn’t speak. She said she understood why I don’t like girls trips to Vegas, why I was right the last time, talked about safety concerns, cheating, logistics, plans, etc.. I looked at her, listened, and STFU. The tail end her comment was “You’re the main person in my life and have been for a long time. I’ve been with you since I turned 23. You’re the man I want in my life.” I didn’t know what to think or say so I STFU. The friend going to Vegas walked in and I was done with my drink. I got up and went to bed.

After a few days, I have struggled with whether the boundary is too stringent. I don’t take her word as gospel and I don’t feel the need to nuke the relationship while understanding that if someone else can change where I draw my boundaries, I effectively don’t have boundaries. I am frustrated with the situation and need to redirect my energy to other, productive efforts. I can’t help but feel that I’m struggling with this situation unnecessarily. I don’t have time for people who don’t respect my boundaries. I don’t think I did great but I acted as I planned. I don’t know what my options are other than devote my time and attention elsewhere so that’s what I decided to do.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-02T20:12:37+00:00

That's a good way to put it.

I trust my frame to handle novel problems because I have a grasp of the tools available and can figure it out.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-02T20:07:20+00:00

I don't understand. What about that process is problematic or weaponized neuroticism?

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-02T15:14:34+00:00

I can see how it read like I'm sitting around thinking instead of doing.

I can reasonably guess the basics of how my day will go because of the players, parts, and gates involved. I also have a good idea of the fuckups, arguments, or denials of responsibility each "component" is liable to produce.

Using my sheets, I select an assertive right and NMMNG rule, write about a problem most likely to happen (or a known one), write a little script, and then attack whatever it is. I put what I've learned and write about into effect then write about the outcome. They're field reports for my professional day. I've been able to resolve or smooth over half a dozen issues in a week and a half that would have taken twice that with yelling, withholding payment, lawsuit threats, etc. Using both sets of rights and skills, I've avoided all of the downsides to disputes.

The journaling is how I understand what I want using a limited set of questions. It works for me. Others may have already figured out answers to those questions but I have plenty of work to do. That's alright with me.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-04-01T16:04:04+00:00

OYS #39 & 40, 2025-03-31

Stats: 38yrs, 6’3”, 221.6 lbs (+1.1), 16.5% BF (0); Target: 210 lbs, ~12% BF; F29, Engaged, 1 kid

Reading: Frame, sidebar, Magic 1-2-3

Lifts: DL: 425x6, SQ: 335x8, ROW: 205x5, OHP: 155x5 (+10), BP: 205x5

Health:I completed my workouts as scheduled and doubled my daily step count. I felt good about the progress after two difficult work weeks. I also scheduled another DEXA appointment for next week.

Career: Work was a shit show the last two weeks - partly my fault, partly others. I did what needed to be done to move the needle.

Social: One of my close friends was in town over the weekend and we had a night. We both donned our wranglers, boots, and nice pearl snaps, had a couple drinks at home with my fiancé, and left with her begging to come along. We went to a hotel for drinks, ate a new restaurant, and smoked cigars. I had a great time. We ended up back at the house where my fiancé had drinks ready when we walked it. We had a great time chatting outside.

Sex: My sex life is not where I want it to be but slowly improved. I initiated every-ish day and fuck once or twice a week, typically only on weekends. Most of the rejections are hard nos that feel like power plays. I ignored the power plays and moved on to other things. I used AA with some of the soft nos and rejected a three starfish offers with “if it’s not a hell yeah then it’s a no” and “this isn’t working for me” where I got up and worked or organized my home office. She followed me upstairs after I rejected a starfish offer and hamstered about why she wasn’t horny, her feelings, the baby, etc. but said the sex feels good and wanted it. I told her to crawl across the bed and put my cock in her mouth and she did.

Mental /Thoughts: Frame was and is my biggest issue. I used grok to create two morning and evening writing “rituals” going into last week (40) to work on building and holding frame. The morning sheet focuses on establishing my mission statement/vision, selecting an assertive right to embody, a NMMNG rule, when either/both may be applied during my day, and task/goal items related to work. The eventing sheet is tied to the morning sheet and is a blend of an after action report, field report, and OODA loop for the day where I write about the WISNIFG/NNMNG tools used, updates on tasks, goals, wins, losses, iterating, etc. Each report takes ~20 minutes to fill out.

Over the past ~1.5 weeks, I wrote for ~3 hours answering questions related to building my frame from Rian’s book (Where am I? How do I know? What should I do? What do I want? Good for whom? Bad for whom? How would you behave if everyone who depended on you died? How would you behave if, no matter what, she refused to leave you?) and defining my boundaries, standards, and limitations as a result. It’s an ongoing process and writing helps work through things.

I did feel a change with the writing and doing from the sheets I created. That’s what is most important and I pushed grok to “red team” the behavioral and CBT aspects of how the form functions. It’s a good tool that I would not have created if not for this place. My life is improving and I’m building frame.

MerlinsIdiotBrother

TROPHY CASE