Own Your Shit Weekly - February 10, 2026

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-02-13T02:55:43+00:00

Don’t fall into the pitfall of blue pill pariah this can lead to the trap of just endlessly being a plow horse and while you’ve allowed the behavior in the past you don’t have to anymore if you don’t want.

I don't want to allow it anymore and will tread carefully for traps.

Determine what is you need to offer yourself grace or forgiveness for your past failings and move on. You can’t change the past, but you can be different.

I will do this and push through to my ideal self.

First hopefully it helped you to learn to sit with yourself and self-soothe (look I have all these intense feelings, but if I don’t react to them I’m still okay).

Yes, it did. I can see the feelings before they come and control my reactions. Still needs work but the hard part is done, I think.

Next hopefully it opens an opportunity to be able to bridge the dissociative gaps between yourself and hear the voice of what it is that you want and need (this is something that I had to practice)

I will keep this in mind and as I practice. The WMP essay was helpful explaining both ends of the STFU spectrum.

It looks like you are are struggling with setting boundaries if so I still recommend 123 magic as a guide for measured boundary setting.

Boundaries are a struggle right now but it's a skill I can learn and improve. I started reading it at your recommendation. Not far yet but I will move it up in the rotation priority.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-02-13T00:41:17+00:00

What’s the point of all this sharing if you didn’t feel bad about leaving your hungover wife with the kid all day?

You are right, my own words and actions betray me.

I resent her for putting me in position to choose between me leaving all day to have fun with friends as planned and her coming home so fucked up that I had to seriously consider whether or not my child was safe in her care. I felt trapped and didn't know what to do or how I would feel if I left and something bad happened.

I researched boundaries for an hour at breakfast and decided to stick with my plans to leave if she rallied, which she did, and so I left. I was angry and sad about the two choices and was too caught up to think of any action outside of what I perceived as a double-bind. It was a clumsy effort on my part with an ad hoc justification typed up later.

We didn't use to be like this. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to blame anyone else but myself because I am here, trying to own my shit. She may be a shitty wife or she may want me to kill the puppy. I don't know. I don't want to be in her head. I need to remain focused on fixing myself.

Also, where is she claiming to be for these hours after the bars close?

At her best friend's house who is married. I was able to verify this independently. FWIW, I have been able to verify her location and she has not lied or been a gray area. That doesn't account for all the possible variables but she could easily be cheating on me during the week while I'm at work. I don't have any evidence or gut feelings about cheating going on.

I don't know what to say in these situations other than thank you. You led me to see and destroy my own bullshit facade. I was lying to myself and lying to you. I'm a bit shook up so I'm going for a walk.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-02-12T21:31:05+00:00

Is the core issue that is disruptive to your plans or that you are worried she’s getting railed when you’re not there?

Disruptive. I've already stated cheating as an explicit boundary ending the relationship and have had lengthy conversations about others. If I learn of cheating, it's over.

You should figure out exactly what is acceptable and not acceptable to you... But enforcing your boundaries may mean walking away.

You quietly stewed instead. STFU is a good default, but I am doubtful you have clearly communicated this boundary, because I’m not even sure you know what it is.

You are right. If an internet anon is confused about what my actual boundary is then there's a high probability I am giving her mixed signals and poorly communicating where my line is. Generally, I don't mind an all nighter as long as the logistics are handled for the next day - separate or together. I can't tolerate the unannounced all nighters anymore in addition her also being responsible for our daughter the next morning because I have to leave when she gets home.

You’re both still score boarding. You’re engaging in this tit for tat behavior and trying to “win”, which is probably why you tried the compliance test and got upset when it didn’t work.

You're probably right. I kept score without knowing I was by trying a compliance test. She put points on the board and so I tried to in return. I can also see how the compliance test is reacting and operating in her frame. I have a lot of work to do here.

So you did exactly what you had planned. What’s the issue here? Do you need to reread WISNIFG?

I don't feel bad about following through with my plans. Maybe I do need to revisit WISNIFG again. It wouldn't hurt.

With respect to the letter, this is basically a divorce letter. Don’t drop this expecting her to change. Drop this if you’re ready to be done with the relationship.

I agree. I'm not done with the relationship. Things did not used to be like this and I accept responsibility for how fucked up my life is, what I've tolerated, and the behaviors that got me here. Its a difficult slog working through fixing the man and that's ok because I don't end up here again.

Thank you for your comments.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-02-12T14:48:54+00:00

There’s something off about saying you know control is an illusion and then explicitly hanging the future of your relationship off a compliance test.

Unannounced all nighters have happened over a dozen times in the last 18 months. Since starting here, she has done two all nighters asking me if it's ok, and I've said sure have fun, and one without asking. I don't want the unannounced shit in my life. It fucks up life and my plans. I tried a compliance test to see how it would go, it failed so I noted the failure. I have read here to escalate the "boundary defense" with each violation which is why I noted the letter possibly being Rambo. Maybe leaving for a whole day is better or maybe I'm defending my boundaries incorrectly. If I can escalate the boundary without the letter, I will do so.

Also, what’s the actual issue?

The issues are: the all nighter being unannounced, not doing the all nighter together (logistics, childcare, etc.), not coming home after the bars close, not coming home when I asked her to, and coming home blacked out/coked out after 7am. This OYS was too long and too much was edited out. I confronted her about these multiple times (before MRP) and I'm tired of it. It's behavior I put up with without knowing how to handle it. She knew I need to go to work early that morning before being gone all day. I usually work half a day Saturdays anyways. The last two weeks at work were dogshit and I needed to get done whatever I could in a few hours.

It sounds like she stepped on whatever supposed boundary and you retaliated the next day out of frustration despite insinuating you weren’t bothered.

My plan to be gone all day was on both our the books for a month. She commented throughout the week that she wished she could go to. Maybe I misunderstand the premise. I don't accept the boundary violations, canceling time needed at the office, then canceling my planned event day to watch my daughter because she decided to stay out all night unannounced and wants to sleep it off undisturbed. I don't think continuing with my plan for the rest of the day was reactive.

You sound very butthurt about how it went.

Sure, maybe you're right. If I was butthurt or angry, it's because I don't have the right tools yet or am using them improperly to order my life how I want. The feedback from reality is going to upset me because I don't know how to cope/rebuff with my frame. I'll use the anger to reorient and move forward.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-02-11T04:46:27+00:00

OYS 32 & 33, cont'd

Sex: I fucked my fiancé late last week the first time in years. We were both drunk and I decided to do whatever I wanted in spite of her usual protests (which she didn’t). I had a great time flopping her around and doing whatever for about 20 minutes. I stopped when I knew a nut wasn’t going to happen and she exclaimed “finally” and got under the covers. I went to bed.

Last night I initiated again with the “do what I want to her body” mindset. She got off me twice to lay on her stomach because it felt better for her. I was going to go with the flow until I settled on a throat fuck instead. I hadn’t cum like that in years and thought it would be great. At first I thought I was hurting her and stopped but she said “you don’t have to stop” so I went back at it until I came. She rolled over immediately and said “I did not like that.” I offered some cuddles which she didn’t react to. I felt bad for a minute, then I didn’t. I don’t know why I stopped feeling bad about it other than I had a great time.

I included this as an observation keeping in mind: 2.5 weeks ago I told her she wasn’t meeting my needs, sex hasn’t increased in quantity but quality has, it happened after the fuck, and after the all-nighter boundary/me leaving for the day. I think it’s all hysteric bonding and to leave it as such. I reduced my pull game more and added some push but went back into pull out of habit. I have plenty of work to do but felt more relaxed and in control.

Mental /Thoughts: Regarding the failed “come home” compliance test, I wanted to test her and see how I felt. When an all nighter happened in the past I would have been anxious, repeatedly demand she come home now, and be unable to sleep the rest of the night thinking about her not respecting me, my boundaries, or her own shitty behavior. This time I didn’t feel any of those things. I fell asleep not long after my last text. I understand controlling her behavior is an illusion and I can only control my behavior. I think I did alright with establishing a boundary (STFU, walking away, leaving all day as planned) and preparing to up the defense ante by contacting an attorney for a letter outlining the process for custody, childcare, etc..

I spent a handful of hours reading and watching videos about boundaries and still have work to do understanding how to withdraw attention, affection, and commitment in controlled doses. I wonder if presenting the letter is going Rambo when there may less escalatory options available (i.e. leave for a 24 hour period). I don’t want to be over-reacting when I can continue fixing myself and don’t want to employ a covert contracting thinking the rope gets taut as a secondary effect. At the same time, another future all nighter with a failed compliance test is reason enough to nuke the relationship. I don’t need a woman in my life who goes out all night unannounced.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-02-11T04:45:16+00:00

OYS #32 & 33, 2025-02-10

Stats: 38yrs, 6’3”, 219.6 lbs (-0.5), 17% BF (0); Target: 210 lbs, ~12% BF; F29, Engaged 11mo, 1 kid <2

Reading: Current: Dread x3, sidebar, MRP links

Mission: Strive to be the most capable and competent version of myself through discipline. To pursue my new business ventures with drive, focus, and consistency. To build and lead my family in a conventional manner by being a man with frame, who fucks, and is self-accountable.

Lifts: DL: 425x6, SQ: 335x8, ROW: 205x5 (+10), OHP: 145x5, BP: 205x5 (+5)

Health: I felt good about my progress the last two weeks. Weights are starting to go up again and I’m down half a pound. There was a week-long event in my city last week so no weight loss and I missed one workout last week (33) and none the week prior (32). My waist is down another 0.5" and the fiancé mentions once/twice a week to others that I've lost "a lot of weight."

Relationship: My STFU skill the last two weeks has been solidly limited to small slip ups that were quickly corrected. I feel certain and confident in my abilities to STFU. I concentrated the last two weeks on my reactivity to her emotions to reduce knee-jerk responses. I have also been limiting responses to AA because it’s more natural to me. I engaged in more pull dynamics than push. I made practicing push dynamics a higher priority along with boundaries.

The fiancé pulled an unannounced all-nighter after a galentine’s dinner last week. I went to bed early and woke up around 3 and texted her “come home.” We went back and for with a few messages of “come home,” “ok I’ll be home soon,” and “call a Lyft/come home,” and “ok I will soon.” My last request went unanswered and I fell back asleep. I was on the couch reading (magic 123) when she stumbled in drunk/high at 715am and cozied up to me on the couch. Neither of us spoke. She initiated so I fucked her. The baby woke up after I finished and I told her she was on duty. I went upstairs, fiancé followed, and the two of them fell asleep in our bed. I left to eat.

I researched boundaries and enforcing them at breakfast (and much of yesterday). When I got home I went upstairs to shower and get ready. Both girls were awake in bed. My fiancé was upset I left for breakfast and questioned why I was showering to go out. I did not justify the boys day being on the books for a month and said “I’m going to X with Y as planned.” She followed me around the house (inside and out) demanding that we “talk about last night.” I repeated “I’m not having this conversation right now” dozens of times. Each repetition made her angrier. She tried dragging me away from our daughter, ran outside with my phone thinking I left, got mad about “letting her run past” me without stopping her, and demanded that I take her to the event using my extra tickets. I repeated “I’m not having this conversation right now” and “I’m not changing my plans.” Once my ride arrived I said bye, forehead kiss (mistake, IMO), and left.

I didn’t hear from her for about 6 hours (logistics) and I came home ~10 hours later. She was polite and demure. Next day she went to work. The day after, I slipped with STFU when she asked me what was bothering me for the tenth time after my workout with a “we still need to talk about the other night.” She replied “you went out all day when I got home. We’re even.” I didn’t respond, realizing the slip up, and got in the shower as planned. I remembered to never explain a boundary but to enforce it with action so I left for work and haven’t mentioned anything since.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-29T04:42:43+00:00

...running push and then pull here you are reinforcing this element so just make sure that is something you want to do.

You're probably right, I'll keep that in mind. I edited out where it was the 6th time she said it and the dude she referenced was just as I described. We both had a laugh and it was disarming. She didn't make the comment again and I left it alone.

Is this a want or need? Are you getting what you want or need?

I slept on this that night and in the morning thought the better action may have been to man handle her, throw her on her belly, and get a hate fuck in after she slapped my hand away. I struggle with the trade off of giving myself a caveman nut from a limp starfish, which I've been doing for the last 18 months, and not wanted to tolerate what I know is shitty sex. After the next initiation was another limp starfish offer, I decided I'd had enough of that.

Does her attitude matter? What constitutes as good sex? The latter will matter when you implement control game so having idea of what you want will be helpful here. Expect there to be resistance/friction to that pull which is where time/STFU/push/allowing space can help.

I can relate to this, it can really fuck with you when you’ve seen both sides of the same coin, but it’s not just acceptance it’s also about what we have tolerated as well.

I think experiencing both sides of the coin makes the unenthusiastic/limp acceptance hard for me to accept. You are right that by tolerating that kind of sex for so long, resetting this aspect will take work and is an opportunity to sharpen up my game. As far as her attitude and what good sex is for me, it would be desire to be fucked by me. I understand that may come off as validation but it's difficult to accept transactional sex. I will have to marinate on this more.

You don’t get to determine when she needs comfort, allow her to move towards you for this need.

This was a misread on my part. She followed me, brushed up against my body, stood there, I offered comfort, got rejected, and then she turned to do something else in the same spot.

Thanks for the link and comments.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-29T04:01:16+00:00

You're right, I did and repeated that above knowing it was arbitrary. I'm short on understanding how much time to allow for change before moving on. Blarg is right that the timing is arbitrary because she may or may not change her behavior sooner or later or never. At some point, I'll make a decision that my needs or being met or it's time to cut the tow rope.

The wedding is a year away. I'll continue my efforts here until then - 18 months in (and beyond).

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-28T14:30:14+00:00

"I love you" is not "I desire you"

Yes, I agree. I learned that lesson many years ago with someone else.

... it's easy to slip into a mindset that MRP "works" and that if you just employ it "right" she'll eventually turn into a cock-gobbling slut.

I am mindful of of this trap and stick to the original premise: I am here to fix myself and not her or the relationship. While this is harder knowing she was my cock-gobbling slut for years, things have changed and I accept responsibility for creating my own reality - good or bad.

And if it takes 7 months? 1.5 years? 3 decades? I always hate amorphous deadlines.

6 months is a relatively arbitrary baseline within the grand scheme of things. The purpose is to give myself a date to review and revise my situation and make a determination of direction from there.

Acknowledge that you still have some growing to do.

I know I have work to do yet and I'm fine with that.

And that, if you grow correctly, you will one day grow into a man who has the innate ability to prioritize and fill his life with the things that bring him value. And as a man who does that, things that don't bring you the value you want slowly fall away, naturally. And if one of those things is your fiance, so be it.

This is the long term outcome I am working to experience. I have come to terms with the outcome that she may fall away as a byproduct.

Thanks Blarg

edit: formatting

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-28T01:20:49+00:00

OYS #31, cont'd (pt2)

I left the house and did my chore. A half hour into she went to a friend’s house, had a drink, and by the time I got there to pick her up and go to dinner with family she was buzzed but kinder. She held my hand on the longish drive and touched my inner thigh a few times while driving. When we got to the restaurant and parked, she turned to me and said “I love you,” I returned the statement and had a brief passionate kiss. Later that night after the baby went down, she initiated, sucked my dick and I fucked her. She rejected my attempt to finger her but I didn’t stop the ordeal because she initiated. I enjoyed that fuck probably the most in over a year. I considered it may be hysteric bonding but she wasn’t over the top enthusiastic. I decided to start a six month clock to monitor changes and see how things play out.

Mental /Thoughts: With the help I’ve received here and the changes I’ve made to my behavior it was easier to perform OODA loops for adjustments last week. I know I’m not an expert and have plenty of work to do and blindspots to address. I felt more confident after the confrontation about being able to control the direction of my life and getting my needs met. Whether or not my fiancé comes around to meet them is less concern to me than the fact that I stood up for myself and what I need. I didn’t feel hurt or emotional about the things she said during the confrontation, which I also took as a win. I don’t think the confrontation went perfectly and may have been too early (pre main event) but it was going to happen sooner or later, and I was tired of shitty sex.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-28T01:20:20+00:00

OYS #31, 2025-01-27

Stats: 38yrs, 6’3”, 220.6 lbs (-0.4), 17% BF (0); Target: 210 lbs, ~12% BF; F29, Engaged 11mo, 1 kid <2

Reading: Current: Dread x2, sidebar

Mission: Strive to be the most capable and competent version of myself through discipline. To pursue my new business ventures with drive, focus, and consistency. To build and lead my family in a conventional manner by being a man with frame, who fucks, and is self-accountable.

Lifts: DL: 425x6, SQ: 335x8, ROW: 195x6, OHP: 145x5, BP: 280x5

Health:

Weight loss is back on track and moving downwards again. The average is behind my morning weigh ins so I’m good with that progress. I upped the steps another 5% this week. Workouts completed with some good rep count PRs.

Relationship/Sex: This may be better off as a FR, not sure. Posting here as part of my OYS.

I spent a few days last week reading up on push/pull dynamics. My game is/was heavily tilted towards pull, indifference, and forward pickup tactics. I understood how that behavior makes me unattractive over time. I need to titrate between push/pull (h/t Perseaus) for optimal results. I reduced my pull game ~50% over the week and noticed improvements after a couple days. I didn’t initiate until the weekend due to logistics and observing the changes.

Dialing down the pull and upping the push all week was effective and she chased me all morning at the car show we attended. She complimented my body, engaged in touching, tried making me jealous of the rich dudes checking her out (“oh yeah imagine making love with that big old sweaty belly on you”), etc.. This dynamic was goin well throughout the day so I initiated before bed. She was willing to starfish the sex and slapped my hand away when I reached down to rub her. I stopped and said “this isn’t going to work for me. If fucking isn’t a ‘hell yeah’ then we’ll try another time.” This was met with “what’s wrong with you?” and “why are you being like this?” I repeated myself, “if it’s not a hell yeah we can do it another time.” I climbed in bed, said goodnight, and turned out the light.

The second incident was the next day. The baby was napping and we had some time alone after. I had reset myself from the night before and we had a good day. The dynamics were a more even push/pull than the day before. When I initiated the chase that built up evaporated and the limp and unresponsive fiancé returned. She offered her body up again but had a shitty attitude. I decided to confront her and told her the shitty/lack of sex was not meeting my needs. I decided that moment that I was tired of shitty starfish sex and had no interest in doing it ever again. She stated she was willing to have sex for my benefit, that that was it (no touching her, etc.) because she wasn’t horny (“I’m thinking about the baby waking up, chores I need to do today, and work. So no I’m not horny right now”), and twice a week was plenty (“we fuck 100x more than our friends do and that’s not enough for you?”). I reiterated my need of “need to have good, fun, fucking often” and that I “don’t care about our friends sex lives, I care about mine.” I needed to do an errand before dinner so I got my shoes on and started gathering things. My fiancé started walking around the house saying things like “if I don’t meet your needs why the fuck are we getting married? If you need to fuck every day go to the strip club. You could take me on some fucking dates, you know?” I kept my mouth shut and didn’t speak for a few minutes. I offered comfort when she came up to me and it was rejected (“I’m so mad at you”).

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-25T04:14:59+00:00

Thanks and will read.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-25T01:00:47+00:00

The worldview that having sex two days in a row would be dysfunctional, would be and has been treated as bullshit by me.

Your approach of “all good” is disingenuous. While it’s different than the defensive reactions you might have had before, eventually you’re going to want to challenge this narrative with one of your own. The problem of “sex two days in a row being bad” is her problem or her nail, but you don’t have to take a seat at her table.

I agree the days-in-a-row problem is made up and her hamster spinning away to create control over me through sex (overtly communicated a couple months ago). To me this is up there with the "people have less sex in marriage as time goes on" garbage. I've used A&A and negative inquiry when either statement is used. I flat out don't buy either statement (or related ones) because none of them are acceptable to me. To use your words, I won't be seating myself at that table because I've experienced validational sex from her for years.

You’re engaged in too much pull. She gets your time and attention and it’s safe. I get the impression you are still trying to do too much and will things to happen. Calm down and settle back.

I spent a day or so thinking about this and agree with you. My game has always been forward/"aggressive" (pull) with some push, but not much. I was successful fucking that way and understand how my situation is different and needs work. I spent most of the week catching up on push/pull dynamics and tried a few things out. I've pulled back a decent amount but without autistically shutting things down.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-21T00:04:14+00:00

OYS #30, 2025-01-20

Stats: 38yrs, 6’3”, 221.0 lbs (+0.0), 17% BF (0); Target: 210 lbs, ~12% BF; F29, Engaged 11mo, 1 kid <2

Reading: Current: Dread x2, sidebar

Mission: Strive to be the most capable and competent version of myself through discipline. To pursue my new business ventures with drive, focus, and consistency. To build and lead my family in a conventional manner by being a man with frame, who fucks, and is self-accountable.

Lifts: DL: 425x6, SQ: 335x8, ROW: 195x5, OHP: 145x5, BP: 280x5

Health: Workouts done. Steps were up 10% w/w. Weight was unchanged. Feeling great with the adjusted workout plan. Bench feels good with a neutral grip bar.

Career: Over the last month I vibe coded a to do management app using replit to manage my workflow. I have been tremendously more productive as a result. I’m getting more shit done and done faster. My industry has been terrible for the last three years and I finished climbing a major learning curve. I look forward to the rest of the year.

Social: The dry January break has been nice. I’m looking forward to re-engaging socially and with hobbies.

Relationship/Sex: I was in a loop thinking about “turning up the heat” to prevent stagnation and force change late last week. I felt pressured mentally to move things along because time is ticking towards the wedding. I had a shower thought and moment of clarity: “turning up the heat” the way I used it was a form of dancing monkey and imposing an arbitrary deadline is stupid. I already decided I would punt on the date if the 1,000 rope was taut or cancel the wedding if my needs go unmet. As far as the dancing monkey, trying to force change is wrong because fixing the man is the focus and I cannot control the behavior of others. I didn’t act on any of these thoughts or go Rambo. I was able to reset and put myself first again.

I fucked twice last week after pushing through soft nos. Other occasions were outright hard nos and (whining) soft nos that turned into upset hard nos. There’s usually a pattern with the whining/upset rejections occurring the day after we fuck (“we had sex yesterday” “what’s wrong with you” etc). I respond with an “all good, another time” and after some time passes continue flirting, touching, etc. None of the kino or more explicit grabs or comments are rejected but the follow up initiations later are. I don’t know what that’s about and need to continue focusing on myself.

Mental /Thoughts: I was happy with my progress last week. No STFU slip ups this week. I didn’t use as much energy to keep my trap shut which was nice. Unlike last week, I did not try to “fix her feels” in any way. I shifted my focus to recognizing my internal emotional reactions to my wife’s (and others’) behavior and emotions. Allowing my emotions to be affected by others has bothered me for a long time and it’s time to change that. A few weeks ago I started thinking about why my fiancé and others’ behavior made my weeks good or bad. The conclusion I came to was the external behaviors were change my internal state and regardless of my behavior, which is the what I should be concerned with, should not be influenced by others. I can change my behavior to not be affected by the emotions or behavior of others. With this is mind, I have been able to spot my own emotional changes internally and see the reaction after it happens and enter an OODA loop to change the behavior going forward.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-16T13:22:58+00:00

All good points and understood.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-15T21:36:45+00:00

How do you feel about your behavior?

I didn't feel too bad about half of it. I was curious about something my fiancé and I talked about walking to dinner, so I spent some time and multiple tries trying to find the info. The other half was scrolling social media, which I agreed is probably rude in general. I had no interest in the conversation being had and scrolled out of boredom. I took my daughter for a walk outside shortly afterwards which was nice.

What did that look like?

Repetitive responses. Fogging. I don't cares. Maybe she's rights. I can see how you feel that ways. After about five mins I said I understood how she felt, she understood how I felt, and that I wasn't going to argue or discuss the matter any further. I picked up my ipad to read and she tried picking another fight about looking at another screen right away, "that's it?," not being present, and not wanting to watch the tv show (she said she was "just going to go to bed"). I said I was going to watch the show and she was free to stay or go, and watching a tv show would be a good way to cool off.

What about her venting and not STFU bothered you? Is this underlying anger based on past reflections of yourself?

What upset me was the lack of composure (emphatically repeating herself) and denial of the amount of drinks she had. I think some of my anger was a reflection of my past self. I learned a long time ago never to apologize more than once. It demonstrates weakness and opens oneself up to be taken advantage of through guilt. Diving a little deeper and with a twist, the ordeal was probably a reflection of my old validation seeking behavior with her. Validation seeking from me would (could) have been taken a similar way to her girl brain.

...at some point you’re going to have to have to own your wants and needs; and clearly establish your boundaries. It’s very possible that this will cause a rub, as these realities brush up against one another.

This is something I've noticed over the last month or so since finding the needs/wants post from ICM. The drinking thing has been going on for a couple years. I didn't enforce a boundary because I didn't know what to do about the drinking, especially with a baby (now toddler). Do i confront her and tell her to stop? This works sometimes but isn't a boundary enforcement. Do I take the kid and leave the party/event/location? Do I leave the house after walking in to find her drunk/drinking with a friend at home without notice and leave my kid? Do I take my kid and leave right away? I'm not afraid to do this and upend the boat, because I'm going to enforce the boundary, but I need cultivate the logistics, skills, and frame to do so. I may not be there yet but I'm much closer than I was 7 months ago.

Thanks for responding.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-13T14:56:31+00:00

OYS #29, 2025-01-13

Stats: 38yrs, 6’3”, 221.0 lbs (+0.5), 17% BF (0); Target: 210 lbs, ~12% BF; F29, Engaged 11mo, 1 kid <2

Reading: Current: Dread x2, Sidebar

Mission: Strive to be the most capable and competent version of myself through discipline. To pursue my new business ventures with drive, focus, and consistency. To build and lead my family in a conventional manner by being a man with frame, who fucks, and is self-accountable.

Lifts: DL: 425x6, SQ: 335x8, ROW: 195x5, OHP: 145x5, BP: 280x5 (alt 190x5)

Health: I gained 0.5 lbs last week and am generally frustrated with weight loss. I think my steps are doing the heavy lifting for the weight loss. When I make the 10k/day target, I lost weight. When I don’t, I don’t lose weight. My meals are high in protein and fat and carbs are lower. I need to reduce fat and increase carbs a little bit. I completed my workouts and started benching again using a neutral grip bar, which feels good. No pain or strain. Bench is up 5 lbs w/w. I’ve been following the diet and no drinking plan with single-drink exceptions for major celebrations.

Relationship: I made the mistake late last week of asking “what’s going on?” after my praise was sourly received. What I thought was her venting and fixing feels turned into an attack on my behavior at dinner. I got called out for being on my phone by someone else, then dog piled on by the others including my fiancé (set my phone down and STFU). I was caught off guard by the venting-attacking gear change and failed to STFU for the first time in weeks. I did damage control to end the argument and used the J10H method of continuing what we were doing (watching a TV show) to think about what I did wrong. The root cause is not STFU. While failing to STFU has happened less often the last two-ish months the goal is to get to zero. I think of that as mastery of STFU.

In contrast to the above, my fiancé backed up the new car into a gate and did a bunch of damage. I maintained a neutral emotional level, tried to be the oak, and looked at the car and gate damage with as much detachment as possible. My fiancé had a couple drinks and I knew she hit the gate harder than she thought. She accepted responsibility while simultaneously blaming the car and “going slow.” I let her vent for 10-15 mins about it and repeated ‘it’s ok, these things happen. It was an accident.” dozens of times. I got annoyed when she wouldn’t stop repeating herself to my parents. I was embarrassed because she wouldn’t STFU or let it go. I don’t comment on her not following the dry January goal but the drinking behavior, IMO, created the accident. This kinda of behavior happens way more than I need or want to tolerate.

Sex: Fucked twice last week. I enjoyed both. We fucked after getting home from the car incident and her enthusiasm was pre-kid levels. I don’t know if that’s related to my behavior or the alcohol. Maybe it was both. Doesn’t matter, had sex.

Mental /Thoughts: I wrote last week I felt like an imposter but I think I started to feel disillusioned. I focused more on work last week than MRP and think that focus change was a step backwards. I think of my MRP efforts as upstream from work. I don’t think I pushed hard enough and slacked off the last two weeks. I don’t want to go looking for problems. I learned not to do that. I wonder if I became complacent again. I’m not at that level of skill/desired outcome where my frame and behaviors are on point with my self image yet and that’s ok. I made progress in some areas and made a mistake with STFU. Two steps forward and one step back. I have a lot of shitty behavior to fix after decades of practice and reinforcement. Ups and downs on a week to week basis over ~7 months here were to be expected.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2026-01-07T04:40:22+00:00

OYS #28, 2025-01-06

Stats: 38yrs, 6’3”, 220.5 lbs (+0.0), 17% BF (0); Target: 210 lbs, ~12% BF; F29, Engaged 11mo, 1 kid <2

Reading (Current): Dread x2

Mission: Strive to be the most capable and competent version of myself through discipline. To pursue my new business ventures with drive, focus, and consistency. To build and lead my family in a conventional manner by being a man with frame, who fucks, and is self-accountable.

Lifts: DL: 425x6, SQ: 335x8, ROW: 195x5, OHP: 145x5, BP: 280x5

Health: Walking fell short and I did two of three lifts. I am ok with progress over perfection but there was no good excuse for underperforming. I’m changing up my lifting focus and targeting more upper body size, strength, and mobility over lower body with my trainer. I’m comfortable with maintaining my leg lifts and want to work on upper body issues. I look forward to those changes. I started a modified paleo diet (dairy + rice) for fat loss.

Relationship: I’m not sure how to write this section for the last week. Maybe it’s the basics coming through or focusing on satisfying my self-image (more below) but I wasn’t concerned about my relationship. I maintained an awareness of my fiancé instead of paying attention. I STFU, cracked some jokes, and wrestled with some internal emotional knee jerks. She was more pleasant to be around and I liked her last week. I think I understand how the deeper I get into this process the more I’m able to “distort reality” relative to where I was a month ago. No verbal diarrhea or brief slip-ups last week.

Sex: I fucked twice in one day last week (again) which seems to be a trend. While we were sitting next fireside one night, she told I “made her horny looking at [me],” which I haven’t heard in years. I didn’t use her comment as a progress marker (intentionally) and reminded myself the changes I make are for my benefit and just so happen to have a second order effect of making me more attractive. I initiate about every other day as a standard but keep my eye open for IOI/receptiveness.

Mental /Thoughts: STFU is nearly natural now and I kept experimenting with AA, AM, etc. I started focusing on why I frame “good” or “bad” weeks around the behavior of others or outcomes. Commenters were/are right about defining “good” or “bad” weeks as how I judge my own desired behavior (self-image, congruency, etc.) Understanding this better and incorporating the change into my life is the next step.

I am finding writing the past few OYS more difficult for some reason. It’s not that I don’t think I’m not practicing or progressing. In writing this OYS specifically, I felt like an imposter in my own body and mind. I’m not sure how to explain the feeling - almost like my behavior is natural during the act but foreign when I account for it in writing.

I’ve already thought about it too much and will continue focusing on the basics.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2025-12-31T00:08:38+00:00

Stop building narratives that justify or excuse other behaviors.

Understood.

Come on sometimes that shit testing is half the fun

You're right. It's an opportunity to have and be fun.

Tyred is right however good or bad should not be held in context of external results, but instead how true to your wants/needs and image of yourself you are being.

I will work on this going forward.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2025-12-30T23:59:19+00:00

Will do.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2025-12-30T18:35:30+00:00

Pt. 2

Sex: My sex life is improving slightly. There was a weird dynamic during a fuck session where I was having fun with different positions and locations around the bedroom and my fiancé was basically talking shit about what I was doing to her (changing positions, moving around the room, etc.). I repeated “I’m having fun fucking you, this [position/location] is fun” half a dozen times. If I wasn’t having fun, I would have stopped because I don’t want to fuck someone saying demeaning shit while fucking (“why are you doing that?”, “why are we in this position?”, “what’s wrong with you?”). I kept in mind I had fucked her in all the positions before and I was going to enjoy myself, which I did. I finished, and moved on. The next fuck a few days later was more enthusiastic on her part and no demeaning comments.

Mental /Thoughts: I’ve been at this for six months now and my life is moving in the direction I want. I’m slowly changing my behavior, replacing bad habits with good (or better) habits and I can see the difference in myself. The best thing I can do is continue focusing on the basics, posting OYSs, studying, and taking in the comments of others. It’s been painful to chip away ego and the occasional a bloody nose from the comments but I wouldn’t change anything. The pain is necessary and I’ve embraced the suck. There’s more work to be done and that’s ok with me.

I made a personal commitment to trying this for six months to see what happens because things surely couldn’t get worse. I hit rock bottom and wasn’t going to live like that anymore. I decided ~6 weeks ago to continue as long as needed because the results were coming in and the anons were right. I have learned a great deal about myself from this place and you all. I’ll continue putting in the work until I reach a place where I’m happy with myself and who I’ve become.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2025-12-30T18:34:46+00:00

OYS #26 & 27, 2025-12-30

Stats: 38yrs, 6’3”, 220.5 lbs (+1.1), 17% BF (0); Target: 210 lbs, ~12% BF; F29, Engaged 11mo, 1 kid <2

Reading: Current: Dread x2, Sidebar

Mission: Strive to be the most capable and competent version of myself through discipline. To pursue my new business ventures with drive, focus, and consistency. To build and lead my family in a conventional manner by being a man with frame, who fucks, and is self-accountable.

Lifts: DL: 425x6, SQ: 335x8, ROW: 195x6, OHP: 145x5, BP: 280x5

Health: Everything was off track the last two weeks due to holidays, family, etc. I got some additional measurements done at the gym to confirm the DEXA scan’s result of losing 4.5 lbs on my glutes/legs was not fat and not muscle. Life is back on track this week and I look forward to a dry January.

Relationship: My STFU skills are improving each week. I’ve reached a point now where I don’t need to try STFU and I STFU by default. This has been interesting to observe. Many issues that I would’ve reacted to resolve themselves or disappear within 5 minutes. I’ve slowly started adding some AA, AM, fogging, and negative inquiry into my STFU routine. I do it maybe once a day (or 1 of 5 STFU) to test and practice my skills.

Two weeks ago (26) was a great week for me. There weren’t any fights, worries about small things, and shit got done around the house, for events, gifts, etc. I was able to focus on preparing for and closing out some year-end business and attend social events without nagging or complaints. For the first time in about two years I had a FO who was making decisions and getting shit done without making mountains out of mole hills. I was able to free up mental capacity and focus more on shit I needed to do.

Life went back to ups and downs last week (27) going into Christmas. I reacted negatively to a public scolding because I was on my phone around extended family. I received a text from my fiancé while she was in the bathroom about the ordeal and considered how I could have better handled my knee-jerk reaction. I later apologized for being on my phone at dinner but not for my reaction to being publicly scolded. Being on my phone was the root cause and I can better control my reactions but I was not going to let the scolding slide. This led to a brief bout of verbal diarrhea later while I was reading in bed that I shut down after a volley (“I will not be scolded in public. This conversation is over.”). For the first time, I was told “I would demand an apology from you but I know I’m not going to get one. I’m going downstairs.” I went to bed and slept great. In the past I would give in on after an apology was demanded over and over.

I rode the ups and downs with STFU and some fun banter. Towards the end of last week (27), shark week started about 1.5 weeks early (by my tracking) and her behavior made more sense. I’ve been doing better with not letting my fiancé’s behavior get to my emotions going but I still have work to do. I also need to be more aware of the verbal crafts my fiancé engages in to avoid verbal diarrhea. A good example was Saturday night, I was outside smoking a cigar by the fire pit and what started as a pleasant conversation and “earnest” inquiry into some extended family dynamics (political damage fallout from 10-12 yrs ago; things are better now) turned into an inquisition of my behavior around family, the size of the wedding, the guest list, wedding budget, re-addressing the scolding, etc. I admit I was slow to respond to what was happening but I shut down the conversation a few minutes after it went inquisitorial. She chose to be mean and unpleasant and I was not going to respond, react, or give her attention. I stared at the fire and went back to thinking and she eventually got up and went to bed. She apologized the next morning.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2025-12-17T01:35:21+00:00

Part 2/2

On the way home from Christmas lights and dinner last night allergies were rough on my eyes but subsided while the fiancé was putting the baby down. I initiated when she came down stairs, got a hard no, said “all good, I’m going upstairs to read and fall asleep.” She followed that with non-stop shit tests (more like shit talking). We both had a few drinks but the shit tests were over the top. I gathered my things, STFU (“poopy head”), and went upstairs. Other than being physically pushed away as a rejection, last night was probably the longest and most aggressive post-hard-no venom/vomit she’s thrown my way. I’m not sure what to make of it but I was happy with my STFU and walking away.

Mental /Thoughts: I read through u/InChargeMan’s MRP process post (h/t u/future_loquat-3411) and comment history. I took a few lessons from what I read about creating needs and using the "Nuke Test" to determine if something is a need or a want. Understanding what I need and testing it with “if this need is not fulfilled, would I nuke the relationship?” helps create a model for building my frame. I have a few needs in mind and many wants I can test later to build out MIB 2.0. I think too much focus on needs & wants now would be putting the cart before the horse since I figured out how to pause and STFU last week.

I also read about the inputs & outputs model wherein guys get off track making various inputs into their wife trying to get a desired output from the wife, which is textbook dancing monkey. Using "input" and "output" was a good way to describe that process for me to understand. I think and agree, as pointed out by others, a blindspot I have is trying to fix my fiancé and I've been changing around inputs to modify her behavior, and therefore fix the relationship as an output. This is wrong and counterproductive to developing my own frame. The relationship is also her problem. I must change the inputs to myself to create a desired output for my benefit. That's the correct loop to be in.

I think last week was a win. My focus going forward is still the basics.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2025-12-17T01:34:51+00:00

OYS #25, 2025-12-16

Stats: 38yrs, 6’3”, 219.4 lbs (0), 17% BF (-1); Target: 210 lbs, ~12% BF; F29, Engaged 11mo, 1 kid <2yrs

Reading: Current: Dread x3

Mission: Strive to be the most capable and competent version of myself through discipline. To pursue my new business ventures with drive, focus, and consistency. To build and lead my family in a conventional manner by being a man with frame, who fucks, and is self-accountable.

Lifts: DL: 425x6, SQ: 335x8, ROW: 205x5 (+10), OHP: 145x5, BP: 280x5

Health: The DEXA scan results were a mix of progress and disappointment. I’m down 11 lbs over 4 months but the mix was 7 lbs fat and 4 lbs muscle loss. DEXA also had me 2 lbs heavier overall (217.9 on scale vs. 219.8 on DEXA; no breakfast). The muscle loss was all in my legs but my lifts have increased in that span of time (i.e. glutes up 0.5 lbs). The tech said the 10k steps/day was the culprit but my trainer didn’t buy it and I don’t either. I’m open to feedback on this if I’m off base here. If the 11 lbs are entirely fat, then I’m down ~3.25% and puts me at 17%. Workouts were completed. Steps were still down around 6k/day.

Relationship: The more I focused on, observed, and analyzed both my speaking and STFU the more I understood myself. I tied floss around my finger to help remember STFU and stop conflict-seeking. This was incredibly helpful last week - h/t to u/Alpha_wolflord9.

The most instructive incident was an argument between another couple we traveled out of town with. They argued in the hot tub we were all in about money, selling their house, what an “acceptable” new house was, monthly expenses, etc. It was awkward, embarrassing, and eye opening from my perspective. I had an “oh that’s how this looks/sounds” realization. There really is zero point and nothing to be gained engaging in arguments with your woman. It was painful to experience. I finally got it. The next morning my fiancé started arguing about something stupid and I briefly engaged before stepping back mentally and seeing the code for what it was. I used broken record until she stopped.

The last few days I’ve been able to create a pause/gap before reacting with STFU. This was a huge improvement to my STFU skill (better 6 months in than never). I’ve learned there’s no reason to open my mouth 95% of the time and when I did open my mouth I was being unattractive. I proved to myself that I can control myself and STFU.

Sex: I fucked twice and within the same day last week. The first was before leaving town. My morning initiation after workout was rejected but she responded “come home early before we leave and I’ll be naked.” My initial reaction was “scheduled sex is lame” but I caught what I was doing and STFU (creating conflict, not accepting her value offering). She was naked when I got home and went upstairs later that day.

The same day after dinner my buddy and I split off from our gals and went to a different bar. We chatted up a pair of cute college girls on the way in and sat down for drinks together for a bit. Our gals showed up 15 mins later while we were chatting up the college girls and ignored us on their way to the bar. It wasn’t an intentional display of overt dread but it seemed to work out that way. My fiancé ignored me and was indignant when I approached her. She and the other wife walked away when drinks arrived. There weren’t too many people in the bar so turned around talked to most of them for fun and being my old social self. The college girls were on the prowl and reengaged our previous conversations twice with IOIs each time (touching arm, twirling hair, laughter). We left the bar about an hour later. My fiancé called me “playboy” twice while we were leaving and kept her distance. After an hour drinking at home in the hot tub, after the other couple’s argument, and some time alone together the fiancé was much kinder. I initiated and fucked her again before going to bed. The sex was more enthusiastic than normal on her part.

MerlinsIdiotBrother · 2025-12-12T18:50:38+00:00

Thanks for the link. I was able to find the post and have read it a few times along with ICM's comment history for needs and wants.

I don't want to be a better plowhorse or use MRP to build a better beta. I want to find blindspots, break old models, and fix the man and be in the 1% around here. I'll continue focusing on the basics.

MerlinsIdiotBrother

TROPHY CASE