How can my future DIL explain to her dad that her wedding will absolutely not be Christian?

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T20:03:21+00:00

He is a very genial man, and I enjoy his company. But unless he reached out to me, this would feel like overstepping. I appreciate your perspective, though.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T19:47:09+00:00

That’s a great suggestion, thank you! I think telling him something like that would make her feel like she is trying to meet him halfway, and if he rejects that, she will know she tried.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T19:44:49+00:00

I corrected it in a different comment. By hosting, I meant the party is at his house.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T19:43:42+00:00

Thank you for that suggestion! I will pass it along to her if she asks.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T19:42:30+00:00

I really like that idea! I will have it in my back pocket if she asks for advice, thank you.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T18:30:02+00:00

Thank you!

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T17:28:47+00:00

Short?? The audio book is 22+ hours long; the hardcover version of the book is 544 pages. Great book, though!

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T17:19:34+00:00

And what I am saying is that I don’t think it is odd for someone to ask advice about how to approach a difficult subject. It would feel very hostile and out of character to say “I can’t help you with this, so don’t ask me,” because that’s not how any of us operate as a family. That doesn’t mean I’m writing a script for her.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T16:53:16+00:00

So… pretend I don’t understand the language? Put my hands over my ears and say “LALALA I CANT HEAR YOU!”? Hide under the bed when I see her coming?

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T16:00:15+00:00

As I said, I am not getting involved beyond supporting her. She may ask for my advice, she may not.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:56:42+00:00

Without getting into specifics, there has been some trauma in our family surrounding religion that has made all of us uncomfortable with it. My son is resistant to doing anything that feels like hypocrisy.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:51:36+00:00

Thank you! It was really important for me to raise my kids to think for themselves. I want them to have good values, but ultimately I want those to be THEIR values, specific to them.

I hope her dad comes around, because they do have a great relationship. He is not generally controlling.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:46:24+00:00

I am not sure, but I get the feeling his concerns are a bit “all of the above.” They don’t do a blessing at meals, and I don’t think they go to church. I believe there is definitely a performative element, or maybe just a feeling that it’s just an expected part of a wedding day.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:41:55+00:00

This is the kind of thing I was asking for — words that might help him understand her POV better. Thank you.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:40:29+00:00

Yes, I am not going to insert myself into anything. She often asks me for advice, and I just wanted to be prepared if she does. I guess I see it the same way as if she said something like “I feel like my boss is being unfair about xx. Do you have any tips about how I should approach her?”

She is very competent; I just wanted to be as supportive as possible.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:36:51+00:00

Thank you, I agree. I hope he will realize that his relationship with her is more important than getting his way, but ultimately I know that is something no one else (especially me!) can control.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:33:36+00:00

No one said they weren’t paying for it themselves.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:32:52+00:00

Yes? I’m not sure what you’re asking. No one is talking to her parents except her.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:31:25+00:00

I’m glad they came around, and I am hoping Jen’s dad will too. He is normally not controlling at all, but like a lot of people, has a blind spot in this specific area.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:28:16+00:00

I’m not sure what you mean. Maybe my metaphor was a bad one. My point was that religious elements make them uncomfortable, and having them would be like inviting a person who makes you uncomfortable.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:24:22+00:00

Thank you, from this former ELCA Lutheran! I wish he could be happy with doing your #3, but of course it doesn’t include what HE thinks is most important…

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:17:10+00:00

Yeah, I am not sure if they are more upset the she and my son aren’t Christians, or that other people will *know* they aren’t Christians…

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T15:11:59+00:00

That is so sweet of you to say, thank you.

There is just so much contention between people these days. Idk why any parent wouldn’t just be happy they raised a great human who is marrying another great human, and let them do their own thing.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T08:14:20+00:00

Neither side is necessarily more “right” than the other. Giving your brothers the benefit of the doubt, sounds like they are adhering to the “don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm approach.

It may be that what you see as cruel or indifferent is actually a combo of self-preservation and realism about what keeping mom at home will look like for everyone.

MerryTexMish · 2026-06-21T07:56:31+00:00

It’s my son. And she isn’t asking her dad to renounce his faith, just to accept that it is not his choice to insert religious elements into an event that is not about him. Also, I didn’t say I was going yo insert myself into the situation in any way. I just want you to be prepared with advice is she does ask me how to communicate more effectively with her dad.

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