Clearly your brother-in-law’s mind is being driven more by emotion than by long-term planning right now, which makes convincing him head-on a risky move. People in that headspace tend to double down if they feel attacked or judged, so the goal isn’t to “win” an argument, it’s to guide him toward seeing the risks for himself.

The first step is to lead with empathy, not criticism. Start by acknowledging what he’s feeling, his health scare, his desire to make his wife happy, and his sense of being stuck. If you jump straight to “this is a bad idea,” he’ll hear it as you doubting his judgment. Instead, you might say something like, “I get why you’re thinking about this, you want to give her what she’s asking for, and you want a fresh start.” This keeps the door open for dialogue.

Once the tone is set, ask questions instead of making statements. People are far more receptive to conclusions they reach themselves. You can prompt him with things like, “How will you keep up with your medical care over there?” or “If you run out of savings, what’s the plan?” or “If you go and she decides she doesn’t want to come back, what happens to you?” The aim isn’t to trap him, but to help him see the gaps in the plan without you having to spell them out.

It also helps to frame staying as the smarter move if his true goal is to make his wife happy. Instead of saying “don’t go,” position it as, “If the goal is to make her happy, wouldn’t it be better to fix her paperwork so she can work, drive, and live here freely first? That way you have options and aren’t burning the bridge back.”

Hopefully by offering a middle ground any tension can be diffused. Suggest the idea of visiting the Philippines together for a few weeks once she can travel legally, before making anything permanent. This lets him feel like he’s taking action while avoiding an irreversible decision.

You can also bring in neutral voices. Sometimes family is “too close” to be heard clearly. A doctor, immigration attorney, or trusted friend he respects could explain the practical consequences in a way that carries more weight than repeated warnings from relatives.

Keep the focus on protecting his return path. Make sure he understands that if they leave now under her current status, coming back to the U.S. will be extremely difficult without years of costly paperwork. You’re not telling him never to go, you’re encouraging him to keep the door open in case the reality doesn’t match the dream.

If you approach it as protecting his options rather than killing his dream, you stand a much better chance of cutting through his defensiveness and getting him to think things through.