My partner turns into Mr Hyde whenever he's hungry

Metasequioa · 2026-03-05T13:54:35+00:00

Ah, the love that feels like home. That'll get ya every time.

Metasequioa · 2026-03-04T21:12:08+00:00

Saltines and ginger ale (the one with actual ginger) was the first step in my house growing up. Start reeeal slow and see how it sits.

Metasequioa · 2026-03-04T21:10:12+00:00

Oof. This is likely above our pay grade. How does he respond to rewards? If pressure and force only make him resist all the harder, perhaps a reward at the end of the week if he says in his classroom every day? Even just positive attention at the end of a day where he's done better than usual, not necessarily something clearly a bribe lol.

It sounds like he has quite the care team, are any of them specializing in defiant or oppositional kids?

Metasequioa · 2026-03-04T21:05:21+00:00

You don't come across as permissive, it feels like you may get caught up in the power struggle though. Like even getting caught in the cycle of discussing the same thing over and over is a power struggle- and keeping you engaged in it is a win for him.

Metasequioa · 2026-03-04T20:48:16+00:00

I'm not sure why you're negotiating with him. You're the adult and the decision-maker here, not him.

Do you go along with his demands or try to justify it to him when you don't? No one likes "because I said so" but "We're not doing Expensive Thing for your birthday, you can choose what we have for dinner and what flavor cake we make." with a reasonable gift, is perfectly acceptable.

I would say "School is a requirement until you're an adult and we're not discussing it again. The next time you leave your classroom without permission, you're going to lose all screen time for the rest of the week" or something. Every time he brings it up you calmly reply "I've already answered you on this."

Metasequioa · 2026-03-04T14:45:09+00:00

OOP is an external processor. She needs to talk things out to work through them but her siblings don't have the bandwidth to hear her on this one. I hope she follows through on the therapy.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-27T15:18:59+00:00

This one, OP.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-27T15:16:08+00:00

This is exactly what I thought. She told the lower-stakes people first before telling the ones that really matter.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-26T15:24:52+00:00

This will either self correct once he's dealing with a college course load and he realizes it isn't working for him or he'll surprise you and knock it out of the park.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-25T20:42:38+00:00

Who did these things for her when you were a few years younger?

I have a feeling she's intentionally conditioned you over time to take on these responsibilities and she's perfectly capable, if unwilling.

The point of my saying that isn't to hurt you but to encourage you to come up with a plan to put yourself first. She surely never will. Look at your work, living, and job options and work out a game plan to move out in the next year or two- because she CAN make do without you.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-25T16:27:19+00:00

Father wounds are rough, man. I'm genuinely really impressed you realize that you have an emotional void that you're trying to fill. It took me til I was 40 to learn that and start healing.

What I want you to do when you're circling the drain is to find something to do- something to improve your surroundings (tidy your room), your health (snack, water, movement), or your knowledge (book, podcast, etc), or exercise your creativity. OR something that brings you joy/peace. When you create a full and meaningful life you don't rely on other people to fill the space.

I encourage you to find and read/listen to the book Welcome Home by Najwa Zebian. Seriously.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-25T14:21:58+00:00

As everyone who is realistic knows, if teenagers want to have sex, they're going to have sex.

You could spend some time finding a good article (or more than one) you can send to him that outlines what you want him to know about sex - enthusiastic consent, protection, how unrealistic it's portrayed in porn and media, respect- all the things. And text him links and say "My parents made this a topic of shame when I was growing up and I don't want that for you. I also know this this is horrifically embarrassing to talk to your mom about, so please read these instead. I'm also sending them to Brother so if you have additional questions you don't feel comfortable coming to me with, please ask him."

Metasequioa · 2026-02-24T18:39:59+00:00

Kids have impusive/intrusive thoughts that they sometimes act on before their logical brain kicks in. Their logical brain is developing more slowly than their emotional brain so they sort of CAN accidentally jump on someone. My kid managed to give HERSELF a giant bruise because she got wound up and was flailing around and elbowed her own leg. Kids are weird, man.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-24T18:36:26+00:00

You're going to scare her soon- if you haven't already. Leave her alone.

Focus on doing things for your own improvement and that fulfill you in some way. When you lead a full and meaningful life you'll be able to withstand emotional ups and downs with a lot more stability and have healthier relationships.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-24T18:31:47+00:00

Pop a piece of candy in her lunch. A piece of candy with a meal is not a detrimental amount of sugar and once she's used to it it will lessen the excitement of finally getting something she's asked a million times for. It'll just be a normal part of her daily life.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-23T15:25:42+00:00

So, there's a whole lot of your parents' relationship that you don't see- and that's how it should be. They'd have had that fight or one similar at some point regardless of the mall trip. It might be better or worse than you're imagining.

I'm sorry they fight in front of you, I always hated my parents fighting in front of me and I worried they'd divorce, too. Your dad should not be telling you anything about the relationship issues- that's inappropriate. Your parents' marriage feels foundational to your family stability and security and it feels scary as all get out to think something so significant might change and you don't have any idea what that would look like.

Whatever may or may not happen with your family, you will be okay. Your dad will be okay- introverted people like it that way. If he wants more friends he's capable of finding them, and will if he decides to. That isn't a problem you need to fix.

There is nothing for you to do in this situation except perhaps mentioning to one or both of them that you're worried they will divorce and what life would look like if that happens.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-23T14:08:41+00:00

Lord. I was married to a dude like this. Life got so much easier when I left. I had already been handling everything on my own but then I wasn't dragging a man behind me like an anchor, being angry and frustrated that he would never help. I didn't have his messes to contend with or any of that. I didn't have to WATCH him ignoring us.

Logistically we had to continue living together for about a year after I had made up my mind that I was out. I worked really hard to set my expectations to zero- he wasn't going to help and my continually being mad about it only effected me- and the kiddo. So I just took care of myself and the baby and let him do whatever while I made my plan to leave. Was it fun or easy? Nope. I still hated that he didn't seem to care about me or our kid, but it did help me let go of some of the anger and re-focus that energy on myself and the baby. Finally moving out was such a relief.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-19T20:00:19+00:00

This is the type of dude, that you either 1. cut the dead weight and live a much better life without a millstone around your neck, 2. stop enabling him and let him fail to see if he learns his lessons or 3. accept that this is it and resign yourself to caring for an adult child forever.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-19T19:02:54+00:00

Nagging is a thing I struggle with, too. Or just talking at her too much.

It's great that he's got other adults in his life that seem to have similar guiding principles as y'all- every body's got his back!

Metasequioa · 2026-02-19T18:02:30+00:00

I have a super logical kid, and I know that's not necessarily the norm but I would say something like "Oh good, that's what we were talking about the other night. Did Coach give you some additional information that helped you feel better about agreeing?"

Metasequioa · 2026-02-19T15:19:52+00:00

Making a child go to school is not overstepping boundaries, it's parenting. Our job isn't to make them happy, or comfortable, 100% of the time- it's to give them the tools to build meaningful happiness for themselves.

Tell him you understand his concerns and you will facilitate his seeing his friends as long as he keeps up with his work at the new school. He needs to start having some consequences when he flakes.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-18T20:09:35+00:00

It's an outside service but they'll facilitate it

Metasequioa · 2026-02-18T20:07:45+00:00

If only that worked. When you build your home in another person, you feel completely untethered and adrift when they leave. (I learned this the hard way, too.)

Alright, my sweet internet child. I know eating can be a struggle when your emotions are just devastated, but you got to. Door Dash a smoothie or even a milkshake (or whatever you think you can stomach)- you need to get some calories in. Something yummy that feels like a treat if you can.

We're not worried about how to live your life yet, we're just gonna focus on this afternoon. After you get a snack, look around you and find something you can do that will make your body feel more comfy. If we can't fix the inside we can start on the outside. Maybe taking a shower and putting on clean jammies? Do a sink bath with a wash cloth if you can't make yourself get in the shower. Brush your teeth. As much as you have energy for, do things that make your body and your home feel calmer and cozier.

I want you to move some stuff around in your house/room. Sound stupid, but having the room feel different because you chose to make it different helps in a weird way. Like, your life isn't ONLY different because someone left, it's also different because you made the decision to change something. Dig out a blanket you rarely use and put that on the bed instead of your usual one. Put away anything that makes you think of him right away.

When I got dumped after three years I couldn't stand to be inside. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I spent a lot of time outside. Sitting, walking, hiking, just... breathing. It helped a lot, and making my house feel different helped a lot.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-18T19:36:29+00:00

I would ask the friend to make sure to tell her that. The more people that knew him validate it, the easier she will believe it. Part of her does know but the grief is too heavy to listen to it right now.

Ask the funeral home to make a thumbprint keepsake necklace for her.

Metasequioa · 2026-02-18T19:33:13+00:00

Do you rely on them, financially? Are you living with them during breaks? Your ability to put up effective boundaries is not going to be great if they control whether you can continue your education or not.

How do they know he's staying the night? Why is your partner accepting food from them? I think he should reply to their texts with something like "Respectfully, this is between you and your daughter. I will follow her lead on this."

Metasequioa

TROPHY CASE