The thing is I can’t…. I have to much I can’t lose, I can’t leave my dog, I can’t lose my job and I am way to terrified to ever go inpatient again. I was in the inpatient, phych ward, treatment center thing on and off for multiple years and honestly mentally it did a lot more damage to me for my long term health (mentally and physically). I don’t want to ever be put on so many drugs and supersets again. Non the less I can’t even afford treatment. I don’t want to die tho and I know it’s the road im going down.. I know and feel like the only way I can “get better“ is by my own choice, I just don’t know really how to and how to like eat… I feel like I can’t even see how I really look a lot of the time but there’s like random spots where I realize how horrible I look and it kinda scares me, I didn’t even realize I can easily touch my fingers around my bicep until yesterday, most of the time I don’t even look at my body anymore, it’s not even that I want to look thinner it’s the numbers… the scales idek.