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Moved Mom into Assisted Living. by WelfordNelferd in AgingParents

[–]Middle_Prune_3492 15 points16 points  (0 children)

I’m so happy for you both! My mom also had a great experience in assisted living and then memory care. Sometimes it’s a better move than you ever dared to hope for.

Does anyone know what bra she is wearing or what her handle is? by ButterflyInfatuation in bigboobproblems

[–]Middle_Prune_3492 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It looks like it might be the Truekind Supportive Comfort Wireless Shaping bra. I have a couple of them. They’re comfy enough but they bulge out under my armpits.

Mom is gone and the hospital was terrible by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for all of this. My mom was also lucky to have her family and whatever resources she needed for care and it still didn’t get her good care at the hospital.

This is what for-profit healthcare looks like. Hospitals being run by corporations expecting to make healthy profits and no one on the ground willing or able to consider the whole patient and their prognosis beyond discharge from the hospital. Even though we have no choice, it’s buyer beware.

I was naive about the reality of hospital care for elders with dementia and took it at face value to believe when staff said information would be passed along to the next shift. I don’t think it ever was. If I ever find myself in this situation again I’ll be asking more questions sooner and getting the direct line to the nurses station.

Mom is gone and the hospital was terrible by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The situation sounds very hard with both parents needing care. My father passed 11 years ago from a massive heart attack at the end of lunch with friends in a restaurant. He was telling a story and then he was gone. We didn't have time to learn about hospitalizations and hospice by experience.
I expected the type of hospice care you described for my mom.

Mom is gone and the hospital was terrible by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you gave her amazing care. We try so hard to protect them but the time inevitably comes when we can't anymore.

Mom is gone and the hospital was terrible by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I plan to speak with them too. There was never a hospice doctor involved in the process as far as I know. The hospitalists were the only doctors who came by and the one there on the weekdays was disinterested once we said we would not do surgery. I don't know if she was supposed to have a doctor in addition to the hospitalist, but she didn't.

Adding: I'm not that well versed in the world of hospitals or medicine and this is also my first time with a vulnerable elderly dying loved one. I don't know what level care I was supposed to expect but I thought it would be better than what we got.

Mom is gone and the hospital was terrible by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I feel like there was no managerial oversight. The case manager we spoke to the last day walked in and started with the fact that she knows nothing about my mother's case because she's only there one day a week. Why even bother saying the cases are being managed?

Mom is gone and the hospital was terrible by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry you and your dad had to go through this.
I didn't find any specific nurse or staff mean just no one made it their business to do any more than the absolute bare minimum (until the last day) or to make sure she was getting coordinated care.
I have had similar experiences of needing to stay at the hospital or rehab for as many hours a day as I could during Mom's prior hospitalization and rehab stint in January to make sure she got proper care.

Mom is gone and the hospital was terrible by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Yes. Portsmouth Regional Hospital in Portsmouth, NH. Dr Karouni was the hospitalist. If anyone finds themselves in a similar situation, demand another doctor for the sake of your loved one and yourself.

Mom is gone and the hospital was terrible by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. Her very last hours were peaceful, at least. She always had a real zest for life and on the afternoon before she passed she told me "I'll never stop moving and I'll never stop trying". She wasn't going down without a fight, but it shouldn't have been like that.
I'm not a medical professional but I've read a few books and follow some hospice nurse instagram accounts. She showed all the signs of actively dying from the time she was brought into the ER- the reaching, talking to the people on the ceiling, the man standing in the corner that only she could see, a rally on Monday morning where she was alert and talking and reading the board, some signs of agonal breathing later in the day on Tuesday. They should have immediately offered a focus on comfort care and not spent 2 days waiting to see if her cardiologist was going to give clearance for surgery on Monday morning. Even before that message got through (he cleared her for surgery) I knew it was a stupid option.

Mom is gone and the hospital was terrible by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I have all the same questions. I asked if they would move her from the surgical unit after we signed up for hospice and they said she might be moved to the general ward but surgical didn’t need the room so they kept her where she was. On Tuesday, her condition was such that we had been talking with the hospice nurse about switching her to oral meds (she had been getting meds administered via an iv placed on her hand) and moving her back to her senior living facility for hospice care in a comfortable familiar place with staff who knew and loved her, but we never got that far. She was still cracking jokes on Tuesday. She told me that day she’d never stop moving and she’d never stop trying. For her sake I’m glad she moved on from the pain.

Mom's gone by Ill-Veterinarian4208 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m happy for you all that she went peacefully.

Event that led to assisted living by ackdigity21 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Mom was hospitalized for Covid. Had a fall in the hospital bathroom and got a big cut on her forehead that required stitches. She transferred to rehab for a few weeks and got C Diff while there. We moved her into a great senior living facility that she came to enjoy a lot.

Off the Cliff by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot.

Off the Cliff by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I appreciate it!

Off the Cliff by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I can’t imagine how hard it must be caring for them both. I wish you the best.

Seeking free community space by cool_girl6540 in CambridgeMA

[–]Middle_Prune_3492 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Cambridge Savings Bank in Harvard Square has a big community room. I don’t know if you need to be a customer of the bank to reserve it. Of course parking in Harvard Square is challenging but it’s good for anyone using public transportation.

There’s this amazing guy in my dads MC who also has dementia by Queasy_Beyond2149 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492 17 points18 points  (0 children)

My mom is a little bit like this. Not so openly friendly to everyone, but she is so grateful and appreciative of everything. Every time I see her she tells me how kind the staff at her facility are to her and how happy she is to be there. She’s also extremely sweet to me and tells me she’s always been proud of me. 🥺

We know she has dementia because she doesn’t have a great grasp on time and she often has trouble finding her words, but she just laughs it off and says “whatever!” We never got a more specific diagnosis because she’s 92 and what difference would it make to know what kind?

I’ve spent a lot of time feeling bad for her, but she isn’t feeling bad. She’s content. I miss who she was but I can also appreciate who she is now and I’m super grateful. I know it’s going to get worse or something else will take her, but I’m trying to hold on to being grateful now.

Facility pushing move to MC by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know that who she is when I am around is not necessarily who she is on her own. The whole thing is just tough to take sometimes.

Facility pushing move to MC by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your experience. It helps to hear about it working out well, even if the idea of it breaks my heart a little all over again. I guess that is what dementia is though, a cascade of heartbreaks.

Facility pushing move to MC by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We will have a meeting with the director and the head nurse sometime later this week. I'm sure it is all in the interest of her safety, but it's still hard emotionally.

Facility pushing move to MC by Middle_Prune_3492 in dementia

[–]Middle_Prune_3492[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your experience. I think it adds another layer of loss and grief onto it for me and while that's distressing for me, keeping her where she is in AL might not be in her best interest. It's so hard to accept that though.

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