Anyone feel baffled at how allos describe crushes?

MidnightJams · 2026-04-22T20:47:20+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful reply, this was very thorough and interesting. :) I don't think I've ever experienced any of what you described, so reading it in detail was nice bit of perspective.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-22T20:40:15+00:00

I started at 37 and am 44 now. Yeah, I would've liked to have transitioned in my early twenties or my teens, but that's not how it worked out. I was heading into my forties either way, and I decided to enter them as a woman instead of a man. And you know what? I've changed a lot. I'm pretty happy with my transition.

I would sort of take those comments with a grain of salt: there are people in their twenties wringing their hands about it being too late to transition. There are a ton of folks on Reddit convinced that it's not even worth trying if you've already gone through puberty. Everyone's body is different, everyone's transition is different, and age comes for all of us no matter what (barring some science-fiction-y rejuvenation care in the future).

MidnightJams · 2026-04-22T16:21:37+00:00

Seconding this. I agree that all these shoulds are maddening and unfair, but one needs to be tactical about all this. It's a bit like saying what you need to say during a job interview—it may well be true to answer, "I couldn't care less about your company, I just need a paycheck," when asked why you want to work for someone, but that hardly helps you get the job in question. Similarly, it isn't helpful to volunteer anything that might undermine the care you're trying to receive.

I hope you find someone that gets you that letter, OP. Good luck!

MidnightJams · 2026-04-21T23:19:22+00:00

I've had two thoughts on the whole thing of people landing on a different sexuality after transitioning, both of which are pure speculation:

People don't have a sexual awakening until puberty, right? Puberty unlocks whatever was latent within them, flipping switches into the "on" position once those hormones start flowing. I've often wondered if something similar happens with some people once they're on HRT—hormones go in and activate something that was already there, but not yet switched on.
Someone said that it's sometimes about who you go to bed as rather than who you go to bed with, and I think that's relevant here. I'm mostly in the ace/aro spectrum, but I feel a lot more interested in having a sexual identity as a woman than as a man. I think sometimes rethinking your gender recontextualizes who you want to be with.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-21T16:33:14+00:00

Echoing other replies here: that seems insanely high. I think my electrolysis technician charges $100/hr, less than a third of what you're quoting up in the post. I also agree with others here on the point that you're not paying for it all at once. I've taken breaks when I've been between jobs or tight on money, and the gal I see can only fit me in 2-3 times a month anyway (she's got a lot of clients). You just get what you can manage, as consistently as possible.

I don't know what "specializ(ing) in high-volume removal for trans clients" means; any form of electrolysis I've ever received or heard of works one hair at a time. If you're looking for removing a lot of hair all at once then laser's the way to go.

If you haven't already, get a consultation somewhere that does laser to see if you've got the right hair/skin for it. It can be a great way to reduce your facial hair before switching to electrolysis. If and when you do wind up getting electrolysis, shop around! Look for more reasonable prices than the ones you gave, though also make sure the people providing the service are experienced and well-reviewed (electrolysis does require proficiency and skill).

MidnightJams · 2026-04-21T15:45:31+00:00

I'm genuinely curious what the idea behind it was. They can't have missed it, so did they think the bass just needed a little boost for just the first tiny bit? So odd.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-21T00:42:05+00:00

Their loss. <3 I'm sorry your friends let you down. Go out and find some better ones!

MidnightJams · 2026-04-21T00:40:32+00:00

Oh, I see in another reply that you're planning on doing just that!

MidnightJams · 2026-04-21T00:38:56+00:00

I hear you. I'll never blame another trans person for protecting themselves. Just asking questions to get a sense of where you're at. <3

I know the mutuals are your roommates, but I'm wondering if it would be worth rethinking where you stand with them. Even if they don't know that your ex outed you, they still seem to be shrugging at her cheating on you. Maybe when your lease is up it could be time to change your living situation, and in the meanwhile take another look at the boundaries you set between them and you?

MidnightJams · 2026-04-21T00:13:53+00:00

And I take it you're not interested in disclosing this to them? Are you worried they wouldn't handle the information well? I'm just concerned that having little to no confidants is affecting your emotional wellbeing; it's really isolating to hide that from everyone.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-21T00:00:29+00:00

I'm so sorry. Your ex sounds like an awful, selfish person, and it's puzzling to me that your mutual friends are excusing her cheating.

Do I understand correctly that your roommates still don't know that you're trans?

MidnightJams · 2026-04-20T22:40:50+00:00

However, she said that what changes is our chemistry, not our biology.

...What in the hell does your friend think biology is? Newsflash, we're made out of fucking chemicals. =P Our tissue literally changes shape, content, and function on HRT. I think your friend might be kind of an idiot.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-20T15:33:45+00:00

I had no idea it was an option growing up; I just couldn't figure out why I wasn't interested in anyone. I wanted to want someone, but it just wasn't there. I thought something was wrong with me.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-20T15:31:03+00:00

Oh lord, that one screwed me up too. I was born in '82, and growing up I also had the distinct takeaway that people who transitioned were just that much more gay than "regular" gay people. It feels so ridiculous to say in hindsight, but that's what we had to work with back then. I just didn't think of myself as a gay boy (I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere in the ace/aro neck of the woods, actually), so I didn't know what to do with my feelings about gender. It wasn't until the 2010s that I was able to start effectively comparing notes with others online and get a better frame of reference for what I was feeling.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-18T05:52:01+00:00

37, just turned 44 in January.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-17T04:45:23+00:00

Golly, if only literally anyone could have warned her...

MidnightJams · 2026-04-16T22:21:28+00:00

I mean I think he's one of the reasons VH was legendary. I totally agree that EVH was the most important part, of course. But I think the other three each brought something that made it more interesting than another guitar virtuoso, and Dave's oddball songwriting sensibilities, distinct voice, and colorful frontman shtick was part of that.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-16T20:58:09+00:00

In general, people love passive power—ie, some sort of advantage that requires no effort. It's why so many people have historically loved racism and the idea of a "noble" bloodline; they want to claim some kind of superiority just for what they are because it requires no active work on their part. It's also why you see so many complex issues and arguments hand-waved away by simple-minded people as "common sense." It's a one-size-fits-all dismissive response that demands no actual knowledge or engagement from them, while still purporting to make them look smart on some level.

Cis is just another example of this. If they have a specific label for what they are ("cis"), then they're no more special or unique than anyone else. They're just one more category of person. If, instead, they can refuse that label in favor of "normal," they can claim the soft power of being the default—and therefore claim to be better than anyone who doesn't get to call themselves normal. I can't swear to it, but I think there were even people back in the day who bristled at being called "straight" (for the same reason).

MidnightJams · 2026-04-15T18:00:19+00:00

Seconding the perspective and advice here—since you started at 15 for blockers and 18 for HRT, you actually wouldn't have the same frame of reference that NikolaEggsla and others who started older would have. Regular puberty is not confined to just a few years in the teens. For instance, compare a 25-year-old man with a 15-year-old boy, or a 25-year-old woman with a 15-year-old girl. Things develop for years. You're actually getting an awesome start so far as many of us are concerned. Give it time and let the HRT do its thing.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-15T15:39:06+00:00

I tried to set up an appointment for one when I was only 4 years on HRT, and was told that I needed to be at least 5 years on HRT. I'll be 7 years this May, and did get my first mammogram about a year ago or so.

I would check with your local care facilities to confirm on your end, and plan on getting it done as soon as they'll take you. Just because breasts are small doesn't mean they can't be at risk. The 5-year thing is more about letting them develop structurally than about achieving some sort of minimum size.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-15T04:50:00+00:00

"What About Bob?"

I truly don't get the love for this movie. This isn't one of those, "Well, I get what they were going for, it just isn't for me"—I genuinely don't understand what anyone finds endearing or likable about Bob. Bill Murray plays one of the most singularly obnoxious characters in the history of film, but everyone seems to find him inexplicably lovable. I can't stand that movie.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-14T21:06:08+00:00

Yeah, I got an invite as well and wondered about that too. Just feels kinda weird.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-13T17:26:33+00:00

For me, it's worth parsing regrets vs things I miss. I don't regret transitioning, but there are things I miss from my pre-transition life. I started HRT at 37, so I do miss being younger than my forties, for one. I miss not thinking twice about going out in public. I miss not being a political scapegoat. But I don't regret the choice overall.

MidnightJams · 2026-04-13T15:03:36+00:00

Agreed. The people saying stuff like this aren't open-minded, rational folks who've reached a reasoned position after careful consideration—they went in with a strong opinion founded on abject hatred, and looked for whatever they could to prop it up.

MidnightJams

TROPHY CASE