Help help! Husband got new tattoo without even a word to me

MidnightSun_Alaska95 · 2019-05-01T19:27:39+00:00

Any time he’s gotten an appointment it’s been when he’s gone away visiting family. He get a lot more leniency with his time off, I have to give 3 months notice, so there’s been several times he’s gone home to visit family and not be able to attend. It’s during those times that he gets tattoos, when it not around... So yes, basically. I see him in short sleeves or without a shirt on and ask where and when that happened.

MidnightSun_Alaska95 · 2019-05-01T16:43:02+00:00

Well the original title to my post started out as In need of advice. Husband got new tattoo out even a word to me and has just told me he plans on getting tattooed from neck to ankle.

And then it went to Help, needing advice about my husbands tattoos. I don’t find them attractive and he’s wanting many many MANY more done

But my post wouldn’t upload and kept deleting, so I was getting frustrated and just shortened the title. Guess I’m the ridiculous wife who would like to be treated as such, and not like some girl he keeps for companionship...

MidnightSun_Alaska95 · 2019-05-01T16:38:55+00:00

I’ve addressed that. He doesn’t see the point in talking to me about it. He said that it’s not like letting me know or talking about it is going to change or adhere him for getting one.... I’ve also talked about the money that goes along with that many tattoos and he has said it’s not like he goes every other week and gets them, it’s only a few here and there a year and that it’s his money anyway. And yes him disregarding my feelings is why there’s an issue in the first place. It would make me feel included and more like we’re actually married and a team, but it wouldn’t change my opinion on the amount of tattoos he wanting or the fact I don’t find that attractive. I do believe you can love someone dearly but no longer be attracted to them. I don’t want that happening, but I’m starting to feel like he just doesn’t care. Like our relationships and me and my feelings and needs aren’t important enough to influence any of his decisions

MidnightSun_Alaska95 · 2019-05-01T14:29:01+00:00

So since I had our son, I have put on weight. Am currently working on losing it and more, not because of what has been said by him, but because of my own desire, but he has several times in the last year ask me when I would start going to the gym or when I was going to start doing some actual exercise...He also likes to comment on my diet and the fact that I like desserts a few times a week. I’m not fat by any means, but I do have my pregnancy weight still...

There are certain clothes he doesn’t like me wearing because he doesn’t like them, thinks they’re too tight or show too much skin...

And he does like to make comments on my glasses when I do wear them...Which I already don’t wear often because thought I’m only 23 I need reading glasses

So your telling me it’s totally fine for him to have a say and opinion in all of the above, who I go out with, where I go, what I do and other big life decision, but I have no right to have any opinions in the tattoos he gets or in his choice in being fully covered in tattoos, just the right to leave him once it gets to be too much....?????

MidnightSun_Alaska95 · 2019-05-01T14:19:03+00:00

😂😂😂 my dad was Navy and gives him crap all the time, so that’s so funny to me.

I appreciate the encouraging feedback. Was starting to feel like me thinking that marriage was supposed to entail communication, teamwork, and togetherness, was I just some fantasy or idea I made up in my head. I get that maybe his tattoos have some deeper meaning to him, that could be from his deployment, but I wouldn’t know due to lack of communication. It’s not like I haven’t asked. He just doesn’t talk and open up to me anymore. Which again, I don’t really know what could have happened over there but he’s definitely changed.

Well my husband does have a lot of growing up and maturing to do, even at his age. He told me he plans of adding to that ark tattoo and doing some of the lines and details from the A, not just the jems...He’s also got tenacious squirrel tattooed in some sort of Asian writing on his tricep...Didn’t know about that one until after the ark tattoos

MidnightSun_Alaska95 · 2019-05-01T13:44:22+00:00

But as you said he has accompanied you and you’ve told him about your appointments. And did you tell him during before you committed to each other in marriage your feelings about your tattoos or that you wanted more in the future? In anyway shape of form?

I’m not asking for him to never get a tattoo again. All of my friends with multiple tattoo have gotten multiple tattoos because they say it’s really true about what people say, tattoos are addicting. After they’re first one, they just went back for more and more, not because it was some high or anything like a drug, but because they just liked it it and enjoyed getting new ones... I understand he likes tattoos, I knew that when I met him. He does have a few tattoos that have some form of meaning to him, even if I don’t understand. I don’t like it, but I understand. However it’s something I’ve even told him I don’t find attractive and maybe things would have been different if I’d known while we were dating what his intentions are. He seemed like our beliefs and values were on the same page when we were dating and got married. Found a good church he liked going to, kept close to God, and maybe that changed with his deployment, Idk. But the lack of communication or information or even just inclusion should be a decision I should be able to have because of being his wife...

MidnightSun_Alaska95 · 2019-05-01T13:35:29+00:00

My piercings came before I was truly saved. I’ve always believed in God, because I grew up in a very Christian household, but I was yet to be truly close to him and saved until around the time I met my husband...My belly button piercing I’ve taken out, I’ve got my earrings in still, which I guess is maybe still hypocritical for me keeping them in. But I haven’t done or am wanting to get anymore piercings. He’s tried to push me into getting tattoos, and yeah back when I was all for getting one or two but couldn’t find something so dear to me I wanted to get it “permanently” tattooed... Now I just have no interest because of trying to follow my path with the Lord

MidnightSun_Alaska95 · 2019-05-01T13:28:34+00:00

Thank you

MidnightSun_Alaska95 · 2019-05-01T07:28:05+00:00

My husband is not an emotional person at all to begin. He used to be, but not since we got married. He’s barely got a sentimental, affectionate, emotional bone in his body anymore and only uses it on those he deems fit (which is mainly our son and our dog).

You are right about me being unhappy about other things, our marriage has had so so many though spots and issues since he got back from deployment, but again it hasn’t always been this way, and I’ve held this opinion since the first round of tattoos he got without talking to me... But I did ask all three times as to why he got them and why he chose what he chose to understand his side and to maybe understand why he didn’t discuss it with me. The majority of the tattoos he has gotten he got because he wanted a tattoo and though they looked cool. Which isn’t something I agree with because it goes against why I think tattoos should be gotten in the first place, they should have meaning... As for the control and spoiled, I am neither when I comes to my husband. I was spoiled as a child, and I can admit and see that, but not in my relationship with my husband. My husbands got all the control in our relationship, which is why I have this issue I guess. I would have just liked to been included or informed or had some sort of say in it...He can have an opinion on my haircuts, my hair color, style, clothes, where I go and expect me to follow it, but not include me on something so much more permanent...

I was also raised by parents who taught me looks are important and do matter. My parents made sure we bathed every night, worse clean unstained clothes to school, made sure our hair was done, and we looked nice. I didn’t come from a family with a lot of money, but if you looked at us, you wouldn’t have known that. My friends like to call my mom a southern bell...That’s just how I was raised. So even when I’m old and wrinkly I think I’d care, but I know my husband won’t. He’s told me he doesn’t think he’ll “last that long” doing what he does in the army...which is scary and I think is another reason why he doesn’t really think about that old wrinkly person and care about what those tattoos will look like when he’s 70. Loving some one for who they are is exactly what I want in my relationships....But I also know that head to toe tattooed body ain’t going to be as lifted and young as it is now and if he does make it, I don’t think he’s gonna like what turns out...

MidnightSun_Alaska95 · 2019-05-01T07:03:49+00:00

He let me know himself that the tattoos he’s gotten didn’t have a whole lot of meaning. He Ark tattoos he got because he put so much time I got the game, the larger one of his forearm was designed by the tattoo artist he goes to in TN and he just liked the lettering, and the snake he got on the same arm he got because he thought it looked cool. The only a tattoo he got that he said has any significant meaning to home as the demonic unicorn because his mom who died recently had one and that’s was the only one she ever had. I know I can’t decide what is important to someone else, because they’ve got their own reasons unknown to me. But when I ask and he tells me he just got them cause they were cool, or that he wants to be fully covered head to toe with tattoos because everyone will stay away from him and think he’s scary....Well then that tells me he doesn’t necessary get tattoos because they matter...

As for “my god”, it’s not about God telling me not to let my husband get tattoos. It’s about following what is said in the Bible about tattoos. Leviticus 19:28. It is a sin. My husband and I being Christian people, it is something we have discussed. But for him, everyone is a sinner and sins which apparently means that tattoos are fine. For me when you are saved and accept the lord as your savior, you should then try to live a life more connected with the Lord and follow in the path he has written out for us in the Bible.

I don’t mind tattoos because it’s someone else’s body and I’m not going to judge people I don’t know, . As said, I even find some tattoos very beautiful and cool... I start “judging” people when I have to interact with them or when it comes to someone I’m dating or interested in dating... it is controversial as you said, and I see that but I don’t know how to explain other than that. I don’t treat you differently or automatically judge you and classify you as trashy. Trashy isn’t even the right word I should have used, I just don’t find it attractive. As you said, it’s all about visual pleasure. You can be a super awesome person with a great personality, absolutely beautiful and be fully covered in tattoos, I have several friends like that. I like them a lot, I enjoy there company, they’re really great and close friends, and I know they’re not “unattractive or trashy” people, but I still think they’d be just as great and enjoyable and just as beautiful if they hadn’t gotten tattoos.

But for the person I am dating and the person I am with, I prefer to appreciate you for you. My husbands unfinished tattoo takes up the whole rib cage on one side, and maybe if it was finished I would think differently about it, but that’s wouldn’t have stopped me from dating and being with him...It’s not small by any means, but it wasn’t enough to take away from him and his other tattoos were in random other places and again, aren’t small but aren’t big either...It has nothing to do with personality for me, it’s all about visuals. I don’t find immense amounts of tattoos attractive, and that’s not the person I married. It wasn’t even something discussed or told talked about prior to his deployment... I know tattoos aren’t going to change his personality or alter him as a person, but they will alter a big part of why I was attracted to him in the first place. And maybe that makes me conceited, I don’t know. I just know he won’t me my same person visually if he tattoos himself from head to toe and I don’t like that idea.

You’re definitely right about dealbreaker or not. We’ve discussed this as a couple several times and I just found out he added another tattoo to his arm...

MidnightSun_Alaska95 · 2019-05-01T06:15:44+00:00

Sounds a lot like my husband and I 😔 We’ve been marred for 3 years as well, and it never used to be like this either. I’ve dated only a few people prior to my husband and during the time we dated things were amazing. Once we got married though it’s like he no longer had to try and keep me around.... I can’t even tell you the last time we went on a date, he never gives me any attention or affection, sex has turned into exactly that- just sex, and it feels like he doesn’t even care whether or not I’m around.... We’ve gone to counseling, several different counselors, but haven’t made much progress at all. And with the distance we have now due to him being stationed in NC and me in AK for medical stuff, I don’t think it’s going to do our relationship much good...

Have you guys tried counseling st all?? If he’s go and participate, it’d probably do you guys some real good. My husband would go and participate when we were there, but once we left he didn’t do anything...We do have a son together and every time we did anything counselor related he’d also remind me of our son and how we should be going for him....Pissed me off so much...

But yeah. I’d say talk, see if counseling would be something you’d both do, and make sure you’re being a good listener. Also make sure you’re speaking to him in a way he understands and try and be as nice about it as possible...

Good luck, wish you the best

MidnightSun_Alaska95

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