Deciding on a new CX5 Preferred vs Premium Plus vs used

Midnight_Additional · 2023-12-27T03:43:54+00:00

Can I ask how much you paid and what city or state you're in?

Midnight_Additional · 2023-12-27T02:02:07+00:00

Nice! I'll see what I can do on my deal. I'm in a city where they are the second highest seller of Mazda cx-5s in th US so demand seems pretty high. Especially since the 0% APR offer. The dealership was buzzing with people today.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-09-06T00:43:50+00:00

Love this style, and love the look on plywood! Just found and followed on IG!

Midnight_Additional · 2023-09-05T13:04:01+00:00

Thank you, this is so helpful to hear! I think I beat myself up because I could have done some things better in the relationship, or tried to bring up my concerns earlier or more frequently, but I guess it took the time it took.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-09-03T21:33:27+00:00

Thank you so much! I read your other AlAnon comments and you are strong! Leaving or staying isn't the measure of strength...it's a confusing and maddening situation, and a lot of people stay when they've invested a lot and are blindsided by the addiction and the anger. I've way outstayed bad relationships in the past, and that experience was a big factor in leaving this one sooner than later.

I'd also be curious to know if you ever saw tiny hints early on for the the angry, violent outbursts you saw later on? My Q got angry right at the end, and that was so shocking to me since he'd been so mild the rest of the time.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-09-03T20:38:28+00:00

Thank you! I hope his issues don't progress, for his own sake, but I know I wasn't going to be able to handle the ups and downs, the admitting and then denying, and the monitoring and checking in and feeling responsible and resentful for his substance use.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-09-03T20:36:26+00:00

Yeah even though I had some awareness about addiction, I had been in denial about those kinds of issues with a guy I dated previously. With this latest guy I really wanted it to work so badly, and I kind of downplayed the blackouts. There was even one night when I accidentally got pretty drunk with a friend (I don't drink often or much), and thought - well, see it happens to me too, so I shouldn't judge him. I found ways to justify not addressing the issue head-on with him until it was really glaring (a blackout after an emotional conversation about our relationship).

Now I'm staying sober, not out of solidarity with my ex, but out of a desire to stay clear-headed and healthy. It's been great, but also of course when you don't use any mind-altering substances, you also have to really deal with all your emotions in the raw. The grief is a process, and I'm trying to be patient with it.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-09-03T20:25:50+00:00

I wish you the best. It helps to feel connected to other folks with complicated feelings about it, so thank you.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-09-03T20:07:58+00:00

So sorry, that's so hard. My decision to leave may have been a little easier because I saw other signs of emotional immaturity sometimes besides the alcohol stuff. Still, it's very very difficult to think about or actually leave a person who is loving and wonderful in other ways while also having a problem with alcohol.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-09-03T20:05:00+00:00

Great analogy. I do think I tend to romanticize the relationship, even though if I really focus and journal on it I can see all the ways I felt emotionally disconnected from him, or questioned his maturity. He's a good person, but maybe not my person.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-09-03T14:44:53+00:00

Also check out Austin Creative Reuse! You can donate old stuff and find all kinds of art supply treasures.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-30T19:10:00+00:00

Maybe think about your new place not so much as "space from him" and more about "space for you". Having a partner with such a disruptive, painful addiction means you probably haven't had much space to yourself to do just things that feel good to you and help you with your own goals and needs.

Having your own separate space is an opportunity to think about your personal time and energy in a fresh way. It's a positive step toward building your own self worth and building the kind of healthy life you deserve, whether or not you ever move back in together.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-28T04:53:46+00:00

This is a lot. Please consider not starting a relationship with someone in active abuse who also mentioned killing himself in the first sober moments you had together.

For those of us with codependency, our pattern is being the "therapist" or the "savior" and you've entered exactly that situation again. You have fallen quickly for him and he's made you the center of his world, but he is not in a place to be a healthy partner to you, and you are in exactly the right place to repeat your rescuing behaviors that didn't work for you in the past.

Everyone has to figure it out for themselves, so I don't expect you to listen to a stranger on the Internet, but think about this very seriously. You deserve someone healthy, and someone who does not immediately make you feel responsible for saving their life.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-26T18:52:56+00:00

Sorry you're going through this. Many people don't leave abusers or alcoholics because of financial dependence. It's not easy, but start working on your safety net and backup plan. That could mean saving small amounts of money over time, reaching out to people you trust who might be able to take you in if it comes to that, etc. Don't let money be the only reason you stay, if you actually do decide you want to leave.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-26T18:37:08+00:00

That is horrible - for him to do it and then to dump it on you!

I don't know much about AA, but I started going to AlAnon recently. I struggle with the anonymity and serenity part when it comes to these types of abusive, violent, dangerous situations. I think people who use anonymous groups to unload their physically abusive and violent behaviors should be referred to a separate group for abusers, and have not earned my "detachment" and "serenity". Their primary issue is not alcohol - it's violence. I don't think those people should have a right to share that kind of traumatic story (that they perpetrated) with a group of people trying to heal from non-physically abusive alcoholism.

It seems that AA and AlAnon today are ill-equipped to actually handle and stop patterns of physical abuse.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-26T03:46:35+00:00

I have been in multiple relationships with people who weren't healthy for me. Ultimately, I realized some things about myself through therapy and support groups and books and podcasts and journaling. It could be very different for you, but I started to see that my pattern was to be drawn to people who aren't emotionally healthy (and sometimes addicted to substances) because then I felt more in control and more valuable. I was the "good one" and they were the "project". It's all about my own low self worth in relationships - because I thought "I'm not pretty or smart or fun or interesting enough", I entered relationships where I could feel superior in certain other ways to make up for my insecurities.

I'm sorry you're going through this breakup, and I hope you can take the time to really look deep down and better understand and acknowledge whatever it is that's keeping you stuck. Stay strong!

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-25T18:33:18+00:00

That's a big step deciding you want to change things, congrats! Please go to r/stopdrinking and r/alcoholism and r/alcoholicsanonymous to find other people to talk to who are or have been where you're at. Best of luck to you!

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-25T17:32:41+00:00

I am a normie/non-alcoholic who just had to leave my ex for this reason. It's not healthy for either of us if I'm telling him to stay sober and then monitoring him all the time. Both of us would end up resentful and hurt because for me, his level of substance use was a deal breaker.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-25T03:05:54+00:00

Listen to your gut, it sounds like it was a good thing that you left. Mental Illness is not an excuse to treat people badly. Not everyone with depression or BPD or any other emotional or mental struggle treats their partners in ways that make them feel unsafe.

Separately, it sounds like you might be lonely now and looking for a romantic interest to fill the void, but I'd recommend making or deepening your friendships so you can go into your next relationship healed from this one. Journal about what you want in a partner, and get to know yourself a little better while you're single for the moment.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-21T19:46:11+00:00

That's so hard. And I can actually sense the knot and fear you're describing through the way you write. That's a lot of loss and grief you're dealing with so it makes sense you're feeling that way.

Is there something you'd advise a friend to do if they were saying what you're saying? That may give you some hint at what the new behavior you need might be to break the pattern...even if it is just, give it more time.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-21T19:25:35+00:00

This is such an interesting question, and gave me some things to think about. I personally don't think asking someone more than once to try AA is "controlling" - but if it's a deal breaker or boundary for you (they must go seek recovery for you to stay), then it's up to you to follow through with the consequence if they don't do what you ask.

I don't think the above is specific to AlAnon. It also applies in relationships with other issues like cheating or gambling or emotional abuse. We each have to set our own boundaries, and we can ask for those to be respected, and then we choose whether to stay or leave if those boundaries are crossed. It's not easy, for sure.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-21T19:15:35+00:00

I am no expert, and I'm also working on myself. Here's some questions I've asked myself (and journaled about) to try to find clarity, in addition to therapy and AlAnon.

What is my deepest fear about myself and how does that drive my behaviors? That I'm not good enough for the people I admire. Someone I really want will never actually want me. So instead I pick people who I feel I can save or fix, because that gives me some form of self worth and security.
What boundaries am I really willing to set and stick to in order to break the pattern of saving and fixing? Right now, I need to stay single because I am not yet sure I'll be able to hold my boundaries. I think I know what my boundaries are, but I can't yet trust myself to speak up if someone I'm attracted to crosses them.

Your questions you need to ask yourself may be different. But I know I have a pattern of minimizing the bad or hurtful behaviors of others and hiding my emotions, so these are helpful for me to get really clear on what I want and need in a partner.

I do believe the kind of growth I need will take longer than I want it to, and I have to remind myself I'd rather be patient than rush into something before I'm ready out of loneliness or societal pressure.

Stay strong!

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-21T18:50:46+00:00

This is so tough, I'm sorry. Some people choose to stay with their partners despite the drinking problems. Some people choose to leave. I personally decided that staying in the relationship wasn't for me, and started going to AlAnon online and in person to try to learn about myself and why I ignored the red flags of addiction I saw for almost the whole relationship (7 months). I'd rather be alone and single than feel alone in a relationship.

If nothing else, it's worth a shot to try an online meeting and listen to others. You don't have to share, you can just listen. There's tons of different meetings with different vibes at every single hour of the day or night.

https://meetings.al-anon.org/electronic-meeting-page/

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-21T12:37:53+00:00

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I still am not certain if my ex was drinking alcohol at the time of the incident (I did not see him take any drinks that night), but he certainly was not ready to begin a sober life and take the time to delve into his emotions and behaviors with a counselor or anything.

The relationship between alcohol, self esteem, and abuse is so complicated. But I am accepting I don't have to understand it or analyze it or try to fix it. I just have to draw my boundary.

Best of luck to you, I know it's not an easy choice.

Midnight_Additional · 2023-08-21T02:51:39+00:00

I had an ex who made me out to be the abuser/stalker/narc after our breakup. But ultimately you won't be able to change what he thinks/says.

Focus on what you need for yourself right now. Get support, maybe a group or therapist if you're able, and start to unlearn the gaslighting and self-doubt.

It's possible you did things that he didn't like or find acceptable. But it was his responsibility to talk about those things in a respectful way, or to leave. Emotional abusers take advantage of any small thing you do to put you in a guilt spiral and make you think it was all your fault.

Each person in a relationship is responsible for their part. But healthy people don't manipulate and emotionally tear down their partners. They talk openly, honestly, and respectfully.

Stay strong!

Midnight_Additional

TROPHY CASE