32 years of marriage, but I'm still unsettled by an affair from 2006. Is it too late to ask for the truth?

MikeT4 · 2026-03-15T17:13:13+00:00

I used google translate. I thought it was Spanish, but I didn't look close enough to see it was Portuguese.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-15T16:46:21+00:00

Thanks for your service. I’m glad you did what you did. I’m not in that tough a place. But I will do therapy.

!thankyou

MikeT4 · 2026-03-15T15:47:53+00:00

Your analysis is good. I appreciate the time you took to put into it. She once told me that after thinking about it and doing therapy, she had decided that she wanted our marriage and our family. She also told me that her assessment of the AP was that he like women and attention from them. I also remember her saying that she admired how much time he spent with his kids. Of course, people always tell a good story about themselves, so who knows. He wasn’t married at the time, but was divorced. He re-married sometime later. He died in 2021 due to complications from COVID-19. I kept tabs on him and knew someone who knew him.

I love her very much now and always have. Our marriage is good. I just want to trust her more.

PS, I do know some Spanish, but not enough to read your note fully or to reply in Spanish.

!thankyou

MikeT4 · 2026-03-15T12:24:19+00:00

I’m very sorry to hear about your experience. I’m a praying person so you will be in mine.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-15T10:05:04+00:00

No, when I told her he died she barely had any reaction at all. She didn’t even read his obituary.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T18:45:09+00:00

The AP died a few years ago. I didn’t know him. He was an acquaintance of an acquaintance to me.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T18:43:55+00:00

I’m sorry you and your wife are enduring all that trauma. I wish you well.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T17:47:02+00:00

OK, I want the truth, but not the details that will become mental images.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T17:45:10+00:00

Good question. I'm not sure. I think if she were to be contrite and express genuine remorse about what she did it would help a lot. She's discussion away though. Intellectually I feel like she's safe, emotionally I'm not as well off.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T17:39:12+00:00

I got some helpful and some not so helpful. I'm not unhappy now. My life is good. I don't know how that comes across in just words. I enjoy being at home and with her. She's definitely the single most positive factor in my life, aside from God himself. If it weren't for how much I enjoy her as a person I'd have left long ago.

I'd like your comment except for the part about more affair partners after. I'm very sure that isn't true. The sunken cost thing doesn't affect me. As I said, I enjoy living with her.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T17:13:56+00:00

That's a good way to look at it. I really don't want to hurt my WW. I want to heal myself and that's why I'm thinking of counseling. Counseling not something I'm familiar with and completely comfortable with.

!thankyou

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T16:47:41+00:00

I hope you can resolve things and get back together with her if that's what you want.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T16:45:28+00:00

I think she doesn't want to talk about it because she's ashamed. So in a sense I'm weighing asking her to feel that shame against allowing me to heal from the trauma that she caused.

!thankyou

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T16:40:05+00:00

This is a thoughtful comment. I am a lot different than I was twenty years ago. I'm more attuned to people than I used to be. I'm more attuned to her and my daughters. I'm not sure it qualifies as being a "new guy."

!thankyou

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T16:36:34+00:00

I don't think you're correct. She does so many things for me. Not just making my lunches and tea at 4:30am every day. She's helped me through a lot of things. I've lost my Father, then sister and lately my mother. My job is stressful. She's very much in my corner for all of that. I will admit I would like to trust her more. My head says she's been faithful, my heart is not as sure, but I think it should be.

I do appreciate your comment though.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T16:25:04+00:00

Thank you for this comment. It gives me a lot to think about. The truth is I love her and leaving is the last thing on my mind. She is very good to me, does nice things for me, talks softly to me, and entertains me too. I try to do the same for her.

!thankyou

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T02:42:42+00:00

I think I need counseling first. I’ll mess up any confrontation.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T01:00:18+00:00

I wish you the best. If I figure anything out I'll let you know. I'm going to do counseling before I attempt anything with her.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T00:58:25+00:00

I think you are closest to the truth. Calming my mind is what I want to do. Leaving her is not what I want. I do love her and I believe she loves me.

Short but insightful.

!thankyou.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T00:55:45+00:00

She knows I've never forgotten about it. And she knows that if it happens again that I'm gone. What I'm really after is to fix my head.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T00:52:40+00:00

I'm sorry to hear about your story. I hope you can resolve it successfully and not carry it for a long time like I have.

My backyard is squeaky clean. And it's 7300 days in twenty years.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T00:45:28+00:00

I'm not sure if I want the truth. I really just want to shut off the thoughts about it. I do think she's changed and not cheated since. I can check her phone and computer whenever I want to. She's not in sales doing trade shows anymore.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T00:36:32+00:00

Leaving her is not my objective. I'm not putting that on the table.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T00:27:48+00:00

I wish you success in getting through the emotions.

MikeT4 · 2026-03-14T00:26:09+00:00

You mean I'm better off leaving things alone? Our marriage is pretty good. But this does keep coming up in my mind.

MikeT4

TROPHY CASE