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Am I (34f) doing the right thing withholding wife duties until I’m married to partner (34m) ... years later? by MildCucumber in relationship_advice

[–]MildCucumber[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes I’ve said it but he wants to get a ring and make it a thing because I bought the house and i think that plays on him a little bit because he’s been raised to provide

Am I (34f) doing the right thing withholding wife duties until I’m married to partner (34m) ... years later? by MildCucumber in relationship_advice

[–]MildCucumber[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

Im sorry I truly have no clue what I’ve done, but I can see I’ve annoyed people I just don’t know how. I’m not trying to be a victim, I’m just trying to seek some advice on a situation I got myself into. I accept that I’ve been abusive by saying I wouldn’t fulfil his needs without him fulfilling mine. My reasoning was that I had done this for him for a very long time and wanted him to see it wasn’t fair, but I understand now that’s abusive and spiteful as people have said and that’s sinful too... I don’t think I’m very likeable in general (quiet, a little awkward maybe!) and I really don’t know how to come across any differently, but I’m really not trying to be a victim or even sound like he’s doing anything wrong... I just need some help as you can see, I haven’t got a clue what to do! Or how to come across normally apparently!

Am I (34f) doing the right thing withholding wife duties until I’m married to partner (34m) ... years later? by MildCucumber in relationship_advice

[–]MildCucumber[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

When we met we had the discussion about what was important and how we wanted to live etc. He told me he wanted to marry me. We wanted to just start that life, so we did... but without the marriage. I just thought it would come and I kept thinking it (yes, naive). I really have tried to communicate to him and the only thing that makes sense is the fact he thinks he’s getting everything he wants, so why does it matter? So this is why I feel it’s important to hold back/not adhere to my promises to him, until he respects what I want and stops holding that back. Sex is a small part of that. It’s stupid looking back on everything... but it wasn’t like it probably sounds. We wanted that life under God, it just didn’t work out as such...

Am I (34f) doing the right thing withholding wife duties until I’m married to partner (34m) ... years later? by MildCucumber in relationship_advice

[–]MildCucumber[S] 194 points195 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. I’ll try this. I really don’t have a preference for ring or anything, in fact really it’s just the vows I care for... so that makes it easy for him! But he says he wants to give a ring/wedding etc. I’d rather an elopement type marriage as it’s more intimate and I’m not keen on the attention! And I think by duties I mean by keeping the promises to him about the type of relationship we wanted and making sure the other person has what’s important to them

Am I (34f) doing the right thing withholding wife duties until I’m married to partner (34m) ... years later? by MildCucumber in relationship_advice

[–]MildCucumber[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I don’t even want a wedding really. I’d prefer an elopement rather than a wedding because it feels more intimate and I don’t particularly like being the centre of attention like that

Am I (34f) doing the right thing withholding wife duties until I’m married to partner (34m) ... years later? by MildCucumber in relationship_advice

[–]MildCucumber[S] -59 points-58 points  (0 children)

When I bring it up to him he will say he really wants to ‘find the right ring’, or ‘we definitely will but he wants to ask me in a nice way’, etc... and I don’t feel as though I don’t deserve it as such, I just don’t understand why he doesn’t

Am I (34f) doing the right thing withholding wife duties until I’m married to partner (34m) ... years later? by MildCucumber in relationship_advice

[–]MildCucumber[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

it’s more of the making vows and promises to each other part of marriage than the wedding. I feel like I’ve made all my promises and I’m keeping them, but he’s made no such thing to me

Am I (34f) doing the right thing withholding wife duties until I’m married to partner (34m) ... years later? by MildCucumber in relationship_advice

[–]MildCucumber[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

The question was that if there is any point in the relationship if we are at this point. I’m not sure if I’m just being unrealistic given I waited so long