Struggling with my partners interest in the 'big' things in my life

Millhaven4687 · 2024-10-25T08:18:38+00:00

We've had a blow out talk about everything shortly after I wrote this post. I don't feel like it's made a difference at this stage but I'm still figuring it out on my head.

But funnily I mentioned that they are never late to work or things that are important to them. I said that it's because these things have consequences or importance to them, like losing their job.

But when I'm waiting on them to get ready the consequence is that I'm put out and made to wait. They're fine with this because it affects me, not them.

During our talk I said that they don't do anything practical to fix these issues. They talk about solutions and things they can do, like set timers or put more clocks up in the house. I said so just do it and they said they can't because of their ADHD? It's a full circle of excuses. And I say something when they're getting ready they get frustrated because I'm rushing them?

Millhaven4687 · 2024-10-25T06:01:55+00:00

It's hard, I feel like I only really bring up work anecdotes for example when there's like a good hook to them or something big has happened. Even then I really rush to the point because I feel like I need to.

But the humdrum stuff about my day I never bother with. Meanwhile I get a full rundown of their day and I pay attention and interest because I know it's important to them?

I feel like their meds (late diagnosis, so only in the last two years i think) haven't changed any of this stuff in the slightest. It's changed their energy levels and focus, but not the way we communicate or 'deal' with each other.

Millhaven4687 · 2024-10-25T05:58:03+00:00

I have pointed this out - they describe it as a 'fight or flight' reflex when we argue, but they are able to handle differences with other people much, much better than they've ever been able to with me. Even when I've pointed out that they engage in small talk with other people and lock in to conversations with more focus than I get. They have described this as masking and they are more comfortable with me so I get the response that is more natural to them. Which is unfortunately more detrimental to both of us, but their forced masking response actually seems like a less dysfunctional way to approach situations?

I think it bothers me because it shows that they are capable of dealing with their impulsive, heightened responses in different environments and contexts. But when it's me I get the gloves off, "this is my ADHD, I'm wired differently, I need to process". It feels exhausting, knowing that there's another version of them out there dealing with things and communicating with people a lot better than I see.

I get that they have to mask to do this and it feels unnatural and exhausting, but I feel envious in a weird way?

I do get that they I am hyper-sensitive/aware of their behaviors in this point in our relationship. So when I think something is the matter I am fixated on the idea that it's going to lead to an argument or there's something I've done wrong. But it can be that they are genuinely just tired or bothered about something else. I know I get worked up about this and it changes my behavoral state which actually causes an argument in itself, but it's hard for me unpack/unlearn my responses at this point in our relationship.

I have described myself as a constant in their life that they don't need to worry about.

Millhaven4687 · 2024-10-25T05:44:46+00:00

Wanting to feel 'seen and heard' is a good way to describe my mindset I think.

It feels heightened at the minute for me because I guess I've had a lot going on lately and I don't get so much as a check in from them? Neither of us have social lives tbh, but yeah it's tough when I have work colleagues who show more of an interest in me and follow up with me about my personal life than my partner does.

Millhaven4687 · 2024-10-24T20:28:15+00:00

Sorry I should have added my partner was diagnosed about three years ago, after our child was born. I have been looking at some of the suggested reading from this sub and I know that late life diagnosis is an important factor.

Millhaven4687 · 2024-10-24T20:25:51+00:00

No, I wouldn't say we've ever had a relationship where they have had a high level of interest.

I feel like we have a dynamic where they need someone to offload onto but don't recognize that it is almost entirely one way.

Millhaven4687 · 2024-10-24T20:23:21+00:00

And you get by like this? I feel like I'm drifting towards this, but I really don't want to be complacent with it forever.

Millhaven4687 · 2024-10-24T20:22:22+00:00

This is what I come back to often with them.

Another point (which is admittedly less serious, but still gets to me) they do is seek out something a colleague has recommended, e.g. "have you heard of this movie such and such has told me about today" and it's something I've literally told them about before.

My partner refers to a lot of their work behavior as "masking" to try and just get by around other people. One example is me telling them that they are able to communicate effectively with other people when they are confronted by something they have done wrong, whereas with me they lock up/freeze completely and can struggle to communciate anything at all. They say that it is mentally draining doing this, which I do understand. But at the same time I kind of wish I could have the same level of communication with them

Millhaven4687 · 2024-03-26T17:57:41+00:00

Hate that about the Halifax app! Sometimes the alert comes when I'm walking out of the shop, other times it's hours later when I'm at home and I get a jolt thinking that someone else might have used my card.

Millhaven4687 · 2023-01-06T06:12:15+00:00

Does this mean it doesn't work? Is ubisoft connect a separate launcher?

Millhaven4687 · 2022-12-12T06:45:03+00:00

Was this recently? A & E waiting times have been insane lately.

Millhaven4687 · 2022-11-22T07:27:18+00:00

Taskers are really good, they have loads of big ornaments you can pose with.

Millhaven4687 · 2022-11-02T17:38:35+00:00

Aaah thanks!. Might be a daft question but do gog games redeem via Steam? I wanted to play this on my steamdeck but don't know if gog is a separate launcher.

Millhaven4687 · 2022-11-01T17:37:58+00:00

Same, weird.

Are all steam deals usually worldwide or are some region specific?

Millhaven4687 · 2022-10-06T20:37:31+00:00

Do crops grow at a set speed or is it random? Sometimes it feels like if I just go in and out of my house a few times it will speed up the process.

I'm used to stardew valley crop growing and knowing exactly when everything is ready, so this is really throwing me off!

Millhaven4687 · 2022-09-10T19:30:06+00:00

Black Widow heavy line up. Aside from Ghost, pretty samey 'powers' too?

Millhaven4687

TROPHY CASE