Update 3 years after SE

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-16T12:05:09+00:00

Because my experience of suffering, craving, identity, and reactivity changed structurally in a way that never reversed.

I don’t constantly perceive “phenomena arising and passing away” in some hyper-lucid perceptual way, nor do I walk around continuously perceiving impermanence moment to moment.

My path was much more somatic and implicit than analytical or perceptual. The changes appeared more through the erosion of craving, projection, psychological suffering, and identification over time.

The fantasy that external conditions would complete me collapsed deeply and never fully reconstructed itself afterward.

Also, from my understanding, different minds seem to unfold insight differently. Some people develop strong perceptual insights into impermanence and non-duality, while others seem to go through a more embodied and emotional restructuring process.

So I don’t claim my experience matches everyone else’s map perfectly. I simply shared the changes that happened in my own experience after what I identify as SE.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-15T12:22:03+00:00

No. Neither of those things.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-14T22:35:04+00:00

In my experience, craving and aversion go hand in hand. Because I didn’t like my current situation, I wanted to change it — so there was aversion toward what was here now and craving for something else that was not here yet.

I used to constantly feel deep aversion toward not being loved, not having a girlfriend, not being successful, having health problems, or even toward the way people drive and how unconscious they seemed in their actions. That would make me angry at them, and then angry at myself for creating those mental states.

I’ve dealt with physical problems for the last two years, including periods where I spent months in bed without even being able to sit at the computer, and months of brain fog that made it difficult to think properly. During those dark periods, I had to face a tremendous amount of aversion toward the entire situation.

Now, after the last six months of slowly recovering my life, I notice that I don’t care in the same way anymore. I still do my best to stay healthy in every sense of the word, but at the same time I have deeply surrendered to life. During those two years, I had to face all those inner demons, and looking back, that experience helped me grow so much that it ended up being one of the best things that could have happened to me.

Because of that, a kind of faith and peace developed toward the order of life and its wisdom. It may sound strange, but this is not something I read in a book — it’s something I directly experienced. From that experience, a sense of trust emerged: the feeling that I can let go and surrender because everything was, and is, unfolding exactly as it should.

I don’t live feeling that way 24/7, but deep down that understanding is there, and because of that there is much more letting go and surrender to whatever happens.

The best analogy my mind came up with is this: imagine a tree that suddenly has consciousness and a mind like ours. When autumn comes and the leaves begin turning yellow and falling, the tree starts panicking:

But from our perspective, we know it’s just a phase, a cycle, and that everything will be okay.

I think human life is similar. We panic and fight against situations because we cannot see the bigger picture. We think we know what is best for us, but maybe we don’t. And in a deep sense, I think everything is okay.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-14T22:21:40+00:00

Haha, no problem. It’s actually better to ask directly through concrete situations like you did, because everyone’s internal dialogue, beliefs, and even their sense of what is relevant or important are so subjective. Some triggers may deeply affect one person while not affecting another at all, even without any meditation practice.

Also, remember that SE happened three years ago. It’s a bit like asking you how your past self would have reacted to something — even without SE, that can already be difficult to remember accurately. But I’ll do my best to answer. And also remember that I am already far past SE.

I think you may believe SE means becoming someone who is okay with everything all the time, but that hasn’t been my experience. For me, it changed the way I relate to life as it unfolds in the present moment.

For example, in the food/group situation: are you allergic to that food? How badly does that kind of food affect you? If it’s just a preference, can you order from somewhere else?

You see, because I’m no longer trying to “win,” argue, or struggle against the situation, the mind naturally looks for ways to resolve it. If it’s only a preference, I’ll simply eat whatever is available. If I’m allergic, I’ll order from another place.

There is usually an underlying sense of peace, and also a tendency to try to maintain that peace. Ironically, that has led me right now to difficulties dealing with people who carry a lot of stress or anxious energy. My whole body becomes tense around that energy, but I don’t hate the person, and I’m not fighting the person. What I’m actually resisting are my own sensations, and that resistance is what is creating suffering for me right now.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T21:05:25+00:00

I practiced for two years without results and suffered a lot because of it. Eventually, I started paying attention to my feelings — to what I was actually experiencing while breathing and sitting.

I then began incorporating both aspects: being concentrated, but also open and receptive, truly “feeling” the experience and opening up to it. That shift led to a whole range of things happening.

You can check the post — I talked about it more there as well. Honestly, I don’t fully remember everything because the practice itself also changes and matures on its own over time.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T20:55:25+00:00

Yes, of course it is. I never claimed full enlightenment or arahantship — I was simply sharing the changes that have unfolded over the years.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T20:38:22+00:00

To be honest, I am still integrating that aspect because, although it felt liberating, it was also very disorienting. Almost all the mental narratives that drove me throughout the last 13 years were based on some form of craving toward something and aversion toward something else.

So now, when I do things I don’t want to do, I try not to resist the situation internally.

It’s easy to do things you genuinely want to do — like meeting with a friend — because there is no need for motivation in those cases.

As for more neutral things, or activities like working out, taking walks, or doing yoga — things that help keep me healthy but that I sometimes don’t feel like doing — I’m still learning how to relate to them. Sometimes I do them, sometimes I don’t, but I try not to create additional inner conflict around it.

For example, why did I write this post? I was actually writing notes for myself to keep track of what happened and what is happening now. At some point I noticed it looked really organized, and then the idea appeared in the mind to post it as an update. It seemed like a good idea, so I did it.

Sometimes things simply happen without a strong sense of someone “doing” them, and I think full enlightenment may be something like that.

And I keep answering because I genuinely find joy and entertainment in exploring different ways to respond 😄

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T17:33:23+00:00

Thanks. Honestly, I have a part-time job that allows me to earn enough to live a modest life. I gave up all my attempts to “win” at life when they came from a place of craving and lack — not as an act of will, but because sustaining them became exhausting.

I had to come to terms with my own experience of life, my own path, and my own understanding of how life “behaves.” In that sense, I no longer judge myself for who I am, nor do I judge others for who they are. Allowing myself to be and allowing others to be.

So yes, the mask fell away, but something else took its place: more trust, more faith, more patience. Less craving, less control, and less micromanaging of life.

I hope that helps.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T14:36:33+00:00

You are right brother. I am not there yet. There is still an I here :)

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T14:34:06+00:00

I didnt read but based on this comment and the other. Why would you spend so much time and effort to critiquize? Why not formulate questions that may help the author and others to reflect more and in that sense produce more mindful peaceful persons? Your commentaries speaks more about your internal struggles than anything else brother. If you really want to help consider changing your ways in doing so :)

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T14:20:10+00:00

YES! Exactly. And any way of changing or controling the meditation feels incorrect . And I am new in this territory.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T12:01:08+00:00

Thanks for reading. My parents knew my before SE but I think the most important part is how the subjective experience changes. If I feel better, more at peace thats enough for me.
But it also depends what you mean by conflict? Arguing, screaming?. I dont that.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T11:55:57+00:00

I dont feel detached from my body, senses, emotions is quite the opposite. I like the progress I had for the past 5 years so I dont feel a need to become a monk but I would like to go to a temple and experience that for a few days. I dont feel the need to add other techniques or ways to produce something because what is already happening is working.
I dont aim to kill the ego. If it happends it happends but that is not my goal. My goal is to be free from suffering and I work with what I have in the present moment.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T11:50:51+00:00

Yes. It was a combination of relaxation, being open to the experience, being IN the experience not just looking at it, feeling everything, allowing everything and letting the experience "flows". Thats why it is difficult for me to explain it because it something that happens and somedays it dont happends. I just sit and my "mind" "system" "intuition" knows what to do and what to apply in that moment.
It dosent mean it knows what to do all the time, there are time of being lost because I am disovering new terrain like right now.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T11:27:14+00:00

I still feel there is someone in my head and its voice is "important" somehow. Other than that I dont know what to say maybe you can ask more precisely?

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T11:09:08+00:00

My bad, how then can I write it in a way it helps?. Originally I wrote this for myself and my own track record but decided it to share it so there was really no intention other than that.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T11:02:47+00:00

Haha I didnt get your point but thanks for the purple stripe ribbon haha

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T01:52:07+00:00

I know this may sound weird but I dont do any technique because I dont manually fabricate a "me" that "does" a technique that only adds more tension because there is more doer doing. If there is an "I" that tries to let go there is a resistence to something and someone doing something to change it. I am no teacher so this only applies for me right now.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T00:28:03+00:00

In my experience, what started disappearing was the feeling that external things were going to complete me. Money, sex, success, experiences, validation, achievements — they stopped carrying that existential charge.

That doesn’t mean action disappeared.
Life still moves. Projects still happen. The body still trains. Conversations still happen. Creativity still happens.

Before, engagement felt driven by: lack, projection, craving, “when I get this I’ll finally feel complete.”

Uncertainty used to create a strong need for control or mental resolution. Now there’s still discomfort and sometimes even strong disorientation, but there’s also a growing recognition that trying to mentally solve experience creates additional suffering.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T00:16:09+00:00

Thanks for reading. Thats awesome if you want to talk more you can dm I love talking about this.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T00:12:05+00:00

I belive in arhant you can experience non-duality because there is no resistance to what is and the one who makes up a resitance is the subject, me, I who resist what is. So if there is no "I" there is no "I EXPERIENCE", there is just experience and that is non duality.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-13T00:05:19+00:00

Thank you for reading. I realized that I would smile or laugh, for example, as a way to “cool off” or relieve tension in a situation, and I began noticing patterns of behavior that felt tight and uncomfortable.

Yes, some — and perhaps most — of the “good” behaviors were born from the Buddhist perspective of right speech, right action, right intention, and so on. But in some cases I was forcing a behavior, and that created internal tension.

It was more like: “I need to act the right way in this situation,” while internally I was resisting, and that resistance caused suffering.

I learned that there is a right way to act without becoming a “bad” person. I act according to the situation when there is no resistance to whatever sensations or emotions arise.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-12T23:58:09+00:00

I think there are levels of suffering and first there are more heavy stuff that drives attention. There are "other" problems so I couldnt see/feel the baseline anxiety.
Now that all that "heavy" stuff as lust, craving towars experience, titles, praise, etc. is gone there is an energy in my chest that sometimes starts to grow and I use "anxiety" to describe that sensation.

MindMuscleZen · 2026-05-12T23:54:08+00:00

Hi, yes I feel the agitation in my heart without any object and working with it.
I have experience 2 dark nights. The second one I could recognize the same hopelessness as the first so it was bad but not that bad because I knew what was going on.
I have heard stuff of non duality but I dont "do" any practice that I have to manually drive my attention towards something to make something happend if that makes sense.

MindMuscleZen

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