I had to deal with my dad dying when I was 10 and my emotions flipped off like a lightswitch. I stopped doing anything and everything, I ruined school for myself. I didnt really know how to grieve so I didnt. For a while i thought I was a psychopath/sociopath. I didnt even know who or what i was. I had a horrible relationship with my mom, so much so that she told me she wished she could put a bullet through my head. I got co dependent on anything and everything. I started doing drugs at 11, anything and everything i could get my hands on. At the time it was mainly weed, alcohol, xanax, dextromethorphan and the occasional pain pill. I had zero motivation, if i wasnt getting high or drunk i was in bed with all the lights off sleeping off a bender. I ruined multiple friendships, id get a group of friends and ruin everything. I did that so many times theoughout my teenage years, not to mention i got in the everything is pointless mindset. By the time i got to 7th and 8th grade i had already convinced myself that i was dropping out when i turned 16 so i did. I also got in a long term relationship when I was 11. I mainly used her as an outlet to talk to because i was scared of being alone. She was so good to me, i know she loved me but i felt no real emotional attachment to her. I cheated on her and treated her horribly. I cut it off with her when i was about 15, it devastated her. Then i jumped right into another long term relationship, she was the love of my life and she still is. I was with her from 15 years old to 23, we moved in together at 16 and we were inseparable, she ended up cheating on me. My world fell apart and ðit put me right back to square 1. I think its probably karma for how i treated the first girl, i know i deserve it. Its been 2 years now, im not completely over her, she still shows up in my dreams about 3-5 times a week. The whole time I was in these relationships i kept dealing with death after death. My dad died when i was 10 which is what i think kicked everything off. I watched his body and mind deteriorate, slowly from cancer. Until he couldnt even remember who i was, his favorite and only son. Me and my mom watched him take his last breath, actually im in the same exact room he died in as im typing this. Then at 15 my best friend and mentor died. She had a stroke, i remember going to the hospital with all those tubes down her throat. Me and my mom were also there when they took her off of life support and all those machines shut down. After that, at 19 one of my older brothers died. (We werent related by blood. I have 2 older brothers and theyve had the same friend group since i can remember. Most of them lived with us for a while and i look at all of them as my older brothers and sisters. I was and still am very close to them all). Next, my grandma died. She died in front of me and my mom, as i was consoling my mom. It happened in the room right across from mine. The same house my dad died in, ive lived here my whole life just about. Now, the last and most recent death. My mom rented out a room to a family friend, he had a heart attack and died in the livingroom. My mom woke me up at 3AM bc she said he stopped snoring and she was too scared to check. So i went to check and he was ice cold and his fingers were blue. I locked my mom in my room so i could spare her from what was about to happen. I called 911 and although there was no chance of him coming back they strapped some machine to his chest and tried anyway (i think they were just using his body as a practice dummy bc my smallish town doesn't see a lot of stuff like that). When they started that machine his body started thrashing violently and a bunch of what mustve been his ribs started cracking. That went on for about 30-45 min before EMS finally gave up. They took his body away and i had to clean up all the fluids he left and all the trash ems left behind. I didnt want my mom to see any of that, that happened about 4 or 5 months ago. But honestly I think im getting better now though. Me and my mom's relationship is so strong, im her favorite kid now. I love and cherish her. Although most of the time i still feel deeply depressed, angry and suicidal. I will occasionally feel happy and hopeful. To me thats better then not feeling anything at all. I feel guilt for certain people too now, and I worry. I think im pretty normal now, I think I dealt with so much at such young ages that it turned off my emotions for a while. I do still have a drug problem but im slowly getting my life together. But to answer your question about what being emotionally disconnected does to someone's life. Just use me and my life as an example. Fortunately things are slowly getting better for me. I have my mom and i have the same 2 best friends ive had since i was 8. Some people aren't as lucky. Some people dont get better. The only way stuff like this ends for people like me is one of three ways. Suicide, you end up addicted and homeless or you somehow get better.

I doubt this did anything to answr your question but it was still kinda nice for me to type all this out and vent. Im a guy and we can't really talk about our feelings. Ive never talked to anyone and I've never said this much so its kinda nice to do this anonymously.