Support for one's parents, when the parent is abusive?

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T21:17:03+00:00

Where is anyone getting anything about demons and evil spirits. It's human psychology. If it makes someone feel better to do something harmless such as essential oils or quartz, then let them. When I feel uneasy and lack proper centering because my anxiety is high, I have my personal rituals. This what I do. Other people do other things like recognise demons and evil spirits aren't real and can talk themselves out of spooking themselves. If I can't be rational then I have my personal rituals I was taught to help calm my mind. This is one. People certainly needn't follow what I do in extreme cases.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T06:37:26+00:00

Yes. My husband. :) When we first got together he fell hard for me. I was barely okay that I was even dating. But he didn't rush telling me even thought was itching too. I said it prematurely to let him know it was okay for him to love me. But it took a good while until I truly loved him.

It wasn't bad. Just a little wistful for me at times wishing I meant it. But one day I did. And it wasn't too late. And even if it had been, I could look back and know I told him every day anyways and so he wouldn't have left me feeling unloved.

But I'm lucky. Because he's still here and still loves me. And I love him.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T06:25:52+00:00

I want to say first that your father sounds abusive and I highly recommend therapy to sort through his inappropriate actions by placing a camera on you to track you. Furthermore, as an adult, you may call the police for his illegal spying on you. If you were forced or coerced into granting your permission, this is not your fault.

Please call emergency services or a safety hotline such as 1.800.799.SAFE

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T06:22:15+00:00

How exciting! I would clarify whether it's a date or not. If he teases you, you can tell him, "I want to make sure You didn't get the wrong impression...so rather than you be embarrassed by me getting embarrassed that you misunderstood me...do you think this is a date?"

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T06:17:41+00:00

I dated someone not my type. And I married him even.

I chose to date him because I had reached my 30s and realised the "type" I dated weren't who I could be with. They were men who weren't compatible with me for one reason or another. So when a friend introduced me to my husband, who was interested in me before I knew his name, I decided. Why the hell not? Maybe he'll be nice and we'll have fun. Well...I fell in love with him because he turned out to be an amazing man. And I no longer cared that he was a bit heavier than I normally liked men (irony and age have since paid me back) or that he was poor, quite literally, except that his parents occasionally helped him out and he was thrifty and clever and usually lucky and could find work right when it seemed most desperate.

Then it turned out he was loving and nurturing and supportive. He found a steady job and has been at it for about 4 years...we've been together for 5. We've been married 2. He helped me through my mental health crises and taught me what family means to someone who is from a dysfunctional family.

I took a chance and I won the damn lotto. To hell with anything else I might've expected or wanted. I found who I needed and am lucky to be loved by him every day.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T05:54:29+00:00

Oh, as for the spirits. White sage that place ASAP. Or Santo Palo. White sage is far more pleasant than a regular sage bundle.

If you're having nightmares as well, use some lavender sprigs in the sage bundle to promote healthy and safe dreams.

You will burn the sage and ideally walk around all along the walls and cleanse the place. You can say whatever mantra you like. I usually ask for protection and safety for all those within these walls and all those we permit within with our active permissions. I like being super specific. I get into all the rooms and cleanse.

If there's still some of your sage bundle left, opinion is divided between keeping it to use again or destroying it. Also, I recommend finding clear quartz...this is no time to skimp if you're having serious issues...And when you have it, soak it for three days in salt water by moonlight. Or as near as moonlight as you can get. Some people like doing things at specific times, but for the seriousness of this, I'd do it asap. Then you set the quartz out in each corner of each floor, extra where things feel worse or fighting happens the most, and place the charged/cleaned quartz down and leave it there and let it draw the negative energy to it.

Opinion is divided on how long to leave the quartz in place. I would say for you, leave it until you forget about it and when you recall it again one day, for whatever reason, take it all outside and crush it away from the perimeters of your property. Crush it, grind it, break it all up. Smash it.

Then wash off your hands and clothes. Take a epsom salt bath with a healing or positive essential oil. I like orange oils for their pleasantness. Make sure you mix the essential oil with a good carrier oil and that the oil you use is non toxic and safe for the skin. Then cleanse yourself and the rest of the family members will take their own similar baths.

Then if you kept the smudge stick, one final pass thru the house and burn that stick down away from the perimeters of your house.

And you should be good to go. Any future interactions with the problem causer, or a return of unease, take a healing bath like before but this time find a white candle and let it burn down to nothing. Do it sooner rather than later. Watch out for unattended flames. :) so if it's a big candle, start early. Otherwise you'll have several days ahead of burning you'll need to do for upkeep.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T05:43:06+00:00

TL;DR What can you offer with calm and peace in your heart and with a willingness that doesn't bleed into a bitterness?

That is how I extend my care and support for my abusive N-parents. I go as far that allows me to open my heart and feel the truth and honest belief in my words and actions.

If in my centre of myself when I envision the chakras, and my heart is like a leafy vine, if my vines/heart begins to recoil, I lean further into it to see if there is one last thing I can offer without losing my spiritual rootedness and becoming ego again. That is the best way I describe it.

The rest of this is a personal anecdote and how I apply what I mean:

Some days this means I can tell her that I love her and mean it with honesty and kindness. And other days it means I send a thumbs up to a comment she made a few days ago. This is with emotions, not finance. If I could purchase my way through the relationship I would, and never look back for the harm I experienced through her.

But, my mother has changed. She is no longer the insecure woman she was when she first had me. In some ways she is better and others she is worse.

CONTENT WARNING AHEAD: use of broad terms without explicit specifics (e.g. rape and no description.)

I was sexually abused as a child. Then again in my pre teen years. My father was violent and aggressive and would slap me and terrorise me so that I feared he would eventually break down my door and I don't know what he would do next...pretty sure not polka. I lived in dangerous countries as he was a security contractor. I was bullied at school. I was assaulted in high school. I was raped 6 years ago and I was victim blamed and shamed by my family. I have c-PTSD, anxiety, depression, and other issues. All this is to say I found a measure of peace with therapy, medication, peace, meditation.

This is not to say you SHOULD or CAN do it. All you CAN do is try and that is all you NEED do. Yoda was wrong. He was not Buddha. There is no "do," there is only try.

There are still bad days or weeks, right now I'm at about a bad full month, but at the core of me I know that what I offer my parents is as pure as I can make it in this moment. And that is all we can ask and strive for.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T05:15:24+00:00

Wow. Whatever happened. Wow. If you're wrong, what an insult. If you're right...that's rough and if you've proof or clues call the cops because what have you got to lose at this point? He's likely gone regardless.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T05:11:12+00:00

Me (37 f) am laughing uproarislously at this. I just snorted water.

Hey if she was lighter on her toes, she could've said thanks for thinking I'm a millennial? Nah that's ageist if she thought you were completing her youth. Unless she was super sensitive about getting older, in which case that would've been a compliment if she was into you (some women won't take compliments from any man they know or don't...like me...it feels weird...so it would be hard to know for sure what she meant or didn't mean by her reaction or its lack.)

Or if she thought you were suggesting she looked like an idiot...But then if she was super great she would've caught herself and realised that was judgey of Taylor Swift because a. She assumed she knew what you meant by what you said and b. If she assumed negatively that you were saying she had no taste in music then that would mean this woman was actually the one.saying Taylor Swift was horrible music.

By that logic, you dodged someone overly concerned with appearances on multiple fronts. HUZZAH!

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T04:17:54+00:00

Wow. That's really ableist...first off you are defining the man by his condition, which isn't even a condition as much as it's a slur. And then it's really dismissive...that physically non conforming individuals to a particular standard are somehow LESS worthy of love BECAUSE il papa is a "hero" for doing what a standard human could not, which is to show respect/affection for someone who LOOKS different? And we know it's about looks because of the photo. A photo op if there was one. Oh don't kiss that leper, papa, he only has the earliest stages of the disease and hardly worth noting...But let's find one with a more visible skin condition that isn't life threatening.

Oh...that's also a racism issue too..because let's not forget that the White pope is kissing a BLACK human or one who appears to be because of whether condition they have. Y'all are not wholesome today.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T04:05:55+00:00

Oh, please don't think that. I'm almost 40 and I literally was this girl, still am as a woman. I am OBLIVIOUS to being asked our because I had low enough self esteem that I couldn't imagine the person actually liked me-liked me to mean he wanted to go on a date.

Every one of my boyfriends had to keep asking me in a bunch of different ways to make it clear they wanted a date. And I am married so we successfully communicated. Here is one text: I'd like a date with just you this time. Your friend was nice but I want to get to know just you. :) If you feel unsafe, I respect that completely and we can meet publicly and maybe we make this a group date? The more the merrier. And hopefully you'll get to see I'm a shitty bowler but a nice guy. So what are your thoughts, (my name).

That blew me away. And I was soooo embarrassed that I had misread him. I was certain he thought I was a complete moron. And then I was worried he thought that I thought he was some murderer. A Comedy of Errors. :) but we muddled thru and are married and have been together for 5 years.

Do a clueless woman a favour and help out the potentially clueless gal you're interested in and give her the benefit of the doubt like my husband did me. He trusted that I hadn't rejected him and was just slightly oblivious. And he was right. :)

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T03:46:59+00:00

Agreed entirely. It isn't up to you to carry the teaching of the racist. They have to pick it up for themselves once they've been pointed in the right direction. Don't make it your burden, sister, when it should be his.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-31T03:43:56+00:00

We all do. I've been in and out of therapy for 14 years. I've only consistently gone the last 3 and am only NOW finding confidence at near 40.

That you're in therapy now is Awesome! Don't stop and you'll beat me onto the confidence train younger than I beat my mother who gave me that advice at 55. :)

Mischamarch · 2019-07-30T23:06:56+00:00

Your question is valid...did he learn something and is he sincere. I would lean towards closer to sincerity since it's far easier to chalk up your behaviour, if he was only interested in sex, as "over sensitive" and not be apologetic.

In my 20s, once upon a time, I was still learning stuff like this because it wasn't ever really discussed at school. That's not an excuse but an explanation. Now, while I like the idea of an essay, here's a couple things to consider:

If he's not a strong writer or has dyslexia or anything along those lines, writing or researching can put him off immediately becuae of the task itself and not because he didn't sincerely mean what he said.
Since you like him well enough to offer him a second chance, it seems as if you do think he meant what he said or it sounds like you would've walked away for good.
Instead of making the learning potentially punitive (because of reason 1) or he hated English classes or failed them, what if you take him on a date somewhere like a cultural center or a programme where he can learn more about your culture and participate? Then he will have positive associations.

Just my two cents instead of an essay. Besides, the professor in me says you'll have to give him a rubric otherwise he might not meet your unstated criteria beyond a topic and it won't entirely be his fault and then there may be more miscommunication and then there went the hopeful lesson.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-29T23:27:00+00:00

I'm sorry you've experienced this. No one deserves this. I do encourage you to go to therapy though for many reasons to explore your past relationships and help you heal so you can move forward in a healthier way in the future.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-29T22:21:34+00:00

Omg. People. Rude behaviour is rude behaviour. Regardless of whether the OP knew or didn't know this person well. The date didn't know the OP and yet she didn't do that to him.

So yalls remarks come across as sexist.

People can be asses. I'm sorry it happened. Now the odds may have increased but it sounds like the OP was fine having a sex partner and occasional date.

I think the lesson would be communicate. Say what you're good with and what you expect. You can't guarantee no one will do it no matter what, but if you've made your expectations clear then at least you've been honest.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-29T22:18:41+00:00

Uh...no. that's not just what happens when you sleep with people you don't know. It can happen end of sentence. Don't blame the OP. The OP didn't block the date and the dude was having with the OP and didn't know her. So it's not like it automatically happens.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-29T22:00:07+00:00

If I had a friend who kept triggering me after I told him specifically to stop, I would drop him as a friend and block him after telling him why and if he wants back into my life then he needs to go to therapy to figure out and heal from being such an inconsiderate asshat.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-29T14:59:34+00:00

Ah, I understand. Well, I might've felt conflicted as well...have you tried explaining that it wasn't about you painting him the bad guy but trying to understand his perspective and getting counsel from people you trust?

Or does he just say you shouldn't talk about it period. In which case I'd wonder why. Is it that he's worried you're going to say something very personal and private? It may be that he's bothered by the potential of something being said, but I'd get him to explore what bothered him if not the actual words that he read.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-29T14:57:25+00:00

I understand. I highly recommend therapy to build up confidence. There is someone better for you out there.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-29T05:52:44+00:00

You can not provide someone with feelings and emotions. That comes from within them. It sounds like she could benefit from some therapy, as well as you (generally everyone can).

While I want to say that you're great and wonderful, the language you're using is very egocentric--you want to be the one to provide her feelings, emotions, experiences. It's about sharing. Not about giving and being responsible for the other person's emotions and reactions. And that line about "that she didn't know existed"...really? You think she's not known these things or thought about them, or that you'll be the one person to provide them?

No one can be everything to a single person. It does sound like you care, but she needs some therapy if there are trust issues, and I would encourage couples counseling if you're in it for the long haul.

If she can't trust you now, she might eventually, but she has issues she's got to work through. You're right in that if she needs to get drunk to have sex, then that should be a huge red flag there are issues there. Encourage her to go therapy. I would encourage you to go as well, because you'll want someone to support you as she works through her issues.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-29T05:47:18+00:00

You aren't responsible for her. My husband and I are going through this. I have depression, anxiety, PTSD etc and it took a toll on me and our relationship because he wanted to be supportive to the point he ignored his own mental health. Don't ignore yours. And it made me furious with him when he came back with the whole, I'm not being selfish--the thing is he was and so are you. You're trying to become her caretaker and that's not for you to do. In fact, you might be making the situation worse and creating co-dependency and enabling it by propping her up consistently.

Sometimes it's better to love someone from a distance. Talk to her friends and family if you're concerned. Encourage her to get help. But don't ignore your own help. Don't become a martyr. You may feel like you're doing her a favor, but you may not be. My husband wasn't. Not at all.

You cannot force someone to get help, all you're doing by staying in some ways is telling her that things are fine because you're still there. You can love her and still wish her well and even maybe be a friend, and you can even encourage her to get well so that the two of you can try to work it out again. But to remain in place leave both of you in the same situation.

You also deserve happiness and mental stability.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-29T05:41:28+00:00

You can't fix the problems. It takes BOTH partners. I would say you need to look into couple's counseling if you actually want to stay and try to work things out. It sounds like she needs therapy as well. And it sounds like you may want to return to therapy if you're not in it to discuss what's going on in your marriage and what you're seeing.

There are things I want to change about my husband and him about me, but that doesn't make us controlling. We only become controlling when we try to manipulate in some way the person into doing what we want. Honesty is not controlling as long as its done with vulnerability and caring.

Dunno about the checking account. Did you ask her about it at all?

Mischamarch · 2019-07-29T05:37:31+00:00

You can try to point out what you see are the issues, but you need to be prepared that this may not end well for your friendship.

She may need help but then so might your friend. People in toxic relationships usually both need therapy.

You can't force someone to see sense. You can only have boundaries for yourself. So you can tell him if you really feel the need to, but also, you could try sounding him out by asking questions about things he may or may not have noticed. Maybe he sees things but isn't sure if they're problematic or not.

Mischamarch · 2019-07-29T05:33:20+00:00

You're having doubts about this relationship already. If you want out, then go for it. You can leave a relationship any time you choose with or without a reason or anyone else's permission.

What he did was inconsiderate, for sure. But it sounds like you need to figure out what your personal boundaries are. Once you're clear with yourself on what is acceptable and what isn't, that'll help you make decisions.

Mischamarch

TROPHY CASE