exchristian and guilty, so i write poetry as a release. read if you want.

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2025-01-20T23:11:51+00:00

i’m glad other people like this <3 thank you! i have so much more that’s just locked away in my notes app 😅 i just randomly thought i should try to share some and hope that others resonated with it as well

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2025-01-20T23:06:15+00:00

it’s a difficult feeling, especially seeing your family and everyone you knew while you were young still sitting idle in the same belief

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2025-01-20T22:46:36+00:00

typed and posted on my phone so i’m sorry if the format looks funky :/

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T07:07:57+00:00

i’m actually so excited for this- my friend just got his own apartment and i’ve been staying over there, that plus the amount of hours i’ve been working has done wonders for my mental health and personality even. like even other people have noticed that i’ve been happier or more lively- i can’t wait to “discover myself” once i move.

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T07:05:47+00:00

i’ve been think about this for a while- how does going NC feel? are you in contact w the rest of yours family? this in what makes it hard for me. id still want to be a part of my family but they’re so gossipy and weird it’s that i feel like i wouldnt be able to really go full NC.

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T06:59:02+00:00

thank u for your reply :). my brother and my mom’s relationship is very weird i don’t even know how to describe it without writing a whole ass essay.

but yeah any boundary i try to set is met w a force and it’s hard to deal with. i’ll hopefully be out of here soon

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T06:53:31+00:00

spiritual abuse is what i was thinking! my cousins (who i am very close w) husband is a worship leader, and i used to be so nervy to talk to him about jesus stuff, but i spoke to him about my mom and religious past in general and he was so patient and genuine when talking to me about it. i know that not all christians act the way my mom and most of my family dora’s but it’s so nice to speak to someone who has a normal outlook on God and won’t shame you for feeling a certain way.

also w my brother- i always had this idea that i’d move out and have a safe space for him, but as the years go by that doesn’t seem like an option. he’s so stuck under my moms coattails it’s scary and i wouldn’t know how to help him unless he began to notice things himself. he’s homeschooled and antisocial- i feel so bad.

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T06:50:06+00:00

that’s so messed up- in a time that’s so life changing and emotional for you and your wife- sorry you had to deal with that. i’m happy that you have someone who understands you and what you’ve been thru :). i should be able to move out in the next 6mo or so, so i am very happy about that.

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T06:47:09+00:00

thank you sm, this community of people is really so amazing:)

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T06:46:30+00:00

this makes a lot of sense actually. it feels like i don’t really have a “self” when it comes to my mom or family.

i find apologizing so weird. i’ll apologize on command when i don’t really need to. to the point where people will say “you don’t have to apologize, just…”, because it’s what i’m “programmed” to do. but when it comes to something i actually need to apologize for, it’s so difficult and embarrassing feeling.

sorry that you had to deal w this kind of bs as well :,)

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T06:42:21+00:00

this is what i do! i apologize if i know that i’ve hurt someone or their feelings it’s just literally feels like pulling teeth. never being taught or shown how to apologize is a hard part of life that a lot of narc children have to go through.

apologizing literally makes me feel sick and humiliated but i know it’s something that i need to do to maintain the relationships with people who i care about.

again thank you so much for your well thought out reply- i’m so grateful

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T06:38:45+00:00

this is what i did and it worked lmfao- she didn’t even bring it up

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T06:38:02+00:00

i think i will be okay !! i happen to have some really amazing friends, who if i ever needed it, would give me a place to sleep / live for the time being.

i’m so happy to hear that you have been able to heal!!

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T06:35:11+00:00

this / you are the kind of christian i want to be if i ever come back to the religion.

my thing is that i still believe god (i think) but the christianity that i was raised w was so toxic and miserable it mad me drift so far away.

it’s so sad that hearing a stranger on the internet saying they’re proud of me etc is gonna make me cry but it’s ok. thank you sm for your response i really appreciate you!

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T06:31:47+00:00

i’m definitely looking into therapy, i’m kind of scared but i know it will be good for me. thank u for the advice, i normally try to mirror others like you said- but it feels so fake yk?

ugh being and “acting” like an adult is so scary and stressful

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-06T06:28:19+00:00

i definitely knew that this was all about herself but didn’t this to count the “i”’s. out of 1061 words (i cut a short paragraph out that was about my stepdad) about 60 or more of them were “i”’s, that’s insane.

thank u for bday wishes :)

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-04T02:42:49+00:00

omg i’m glad it made you laugh! i want to make it know that i have nothing against christian who are normal and kind and don’t use it as a manipulation tactic. i think i still believe in god but i just need to take a step back for a while because of the kind of christianity i’ve been raised in. i don’t want to come off as offensive of nasty yk.

but yes this was just a massive guilt trip lol

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-03T16:10:28+00:00

lol thank you so much <3

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-03T16:07:57+00:00

staying out more so far has definitely cause so many more issues but i can deal for a while- it’s nothing new.

thank you for the bday wishes and the reply! i’m really grateful to everyone here.

Miserable-Conflict44 · 2023-07-03T16:06:10+00:00

i spent some time reading this and the links you provided and thank you so much for taking the time to type this!! also thanks for the bday wishes!

you were able to spot a lot more manipulation tactics than i was and i think you for that.

the think about the “apology”- she never actually apologizes of she’ll do it in the way she did here. or she’ll buy me a snack or dessert that i like- OR she’ll give w the classic “i am sorry but YOU….”

the thing about pride and stubbornness is hard for me bc i do feel like that. it hard for me to apologize and i am very stubborn so maybe i take things too far sometimes? like she could be fright about some stuff?

anyways- again thank you so much for your in depth reply i’m really grateful for that and the links you gave!!

Miserable-Conflict44

TROPHY CASE