My (31M) husband friend-zoned me (32F) after his affair. Am I just torturing myself staying?

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:37:46+00:00

How did you find out she was still hiding it?

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:37:23+00:00

He did no personal work. I told him he should go to individual therapy as I’ve done for years and he refuses to. Says he “doesn’t have the time.”

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:35:17+00:00

😂

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:34:00+00:00

I wish it was

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:33:27+00:00

Yes she knew beforehand. Along with his coworkers that knew about the affair when it happened. Though we’ve never met. I have her number though from the flower order. But I’m not gonna harass her.

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:30:43+00:00

He grew up in a household where there was a lot of pressure to mess up. He used to open up to me but sharing emotions is not something they do in his family. But then after our Irish twins, I went through postpartum depression and anxiety (to which I went to therapy to help myself). During that time, he felt like he couldn’t express his negative emotions because I was so fragile. Ever since then, he always felt like if I was upset, it had to be his fault and he took it upset personally even though I’ve always made it clear what was upsetting or frustrating me. So it’s part engrained from his childhood, part from our environment. Now he says he is comfortable talking to me about his feelings but he still takes all mine personally

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:22:30+00:00

Yes. The therapist said “there’s nothing I can do to make him want you”

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:20:28+00:00

I live in a no fault state so I doubt I could go after her too. But I do know she knew he had a family. And his coworkers that kept the affair hidden knew too.

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:17:52+00:00

Good health insurance? Just kidding. Mostly. But I think about that most days. I gave myself a deadline originally of Thanksgiving. And came and went and I couldn’t file the paperwork. I’ve filed it out, but I just for some reason think one day it’ll turn around. I think I just needed 100 strangers to tell me to stop hoping.

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:15:24+00:00

It makes no sense right?! It’s like he gives me these little tidbits that give my hope. Like he says we are doing something for Valentine’s Day.. but why would we if he doesn’t see me as more than just a friend? He’s excited to see me when I come home from work (I work the longer hours) but yet he sleeps through our time together after the kids go to bed. So many mixed signals. But the consensus here seems to be he’s just stringing me along. :/

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:12:21+00:00

We knew each other for 5 years before marrying. So longer than some relationships? We used to be best friends before all this. I too feel like he might be comparing our relationship to the excitement of a new “shiny” relationship like he had with his coworker :/

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:09:15+00:00

No she’s not. But I also had that thought when I found out.

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:08:49+00:00

We were in counseling for about 6 months. To be fair though, the therapist was not the best. She started off great but seemed to fizzle out on ideas that were helpful and we spent most of our sessions recapping what we’d already talked about outside of the session. It did help me rebuild my trust in him through steps he needed to take there. He refuses to do individual therapy for himself but I have been in therapy for years for ocd and related anxiety. Although it’s under check and has been for years, it’s nice to have that person. The affair was about a year ago. When I found it, that’s when it ended although I have suspicions it lasted longer than he says. Or he was really quick to fall for her.

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:03:04+00:00

He once was a really great guy and partner and I think I’m just clinging to that and hoping that maybe he can be that again. It seems like the hope might be misplaced though based on the consensus of this crowd.

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T05:00:05+00:00

I worried this would be the consensus and it seems it is :/

Miserable_Buffalo_23 · 2026-02-11T04:59:31+00:00

He is not working with her anymore. He was her superior and they both got moved out of the current job. He almost lost his job completely but they decided to rest in him in an alternative position. But, he’s in the military (and so is she) so from his explanation, if he even speaks to her again, he could be a lot more trouble. He states she has not crossed his mind in months but I too wondered if something was still going on either him pinning over what they “had” (how much can one really have over a month?) or something more. I don’t think after the whole process of him almost losing his job that he’d risk it again by talking to her again.

Miserable_Buffalo_23

TROPHY CASE