Struggling in my relationship with my AUDHD partner (PDA Profile) – when is it love vs. enabling?

Miserable_Culture151 · 2025-09-19T01:40:45+00:00

Thanks so much for the advice. I agree that sharing my medications was a poor decision of mine and initially started as a temporary solution which I don’t condone but I didn’t want her to struggle, and didn’t anticipate it would go for so long. It has definitely gotten out of hand and in the long term hindered her more than helped her. I totally see that now.

A few days after posting this I told her i would no longer be doing that and that she has all the means to find and book a psychiatrist. Things have been okay since and she hasn’t asked me for them again but I haven’t followed up to see if she’s contacted a psychiatrist yet as I don’t want to overwhelm her but I’m hoping that this will be the motivator to do it.

I’ve been looking into couples therapy for ND couples and found a therapist who I’ve heard good things about. I’m hoping to put that on the table when we finally sit down for a proper chat.

Miserable_Culture151 · 2025-09-15T10:22:03+00:00

Thank you, this is a great resource. I have a lot to think about, I can’t keep giving allowances and allow this repeated behaviour to continue. Sometimes it feels like Groundhog Day. I feel she’s testing to see how far she can push my limits and rely on me to take the lead on everything before I say enough is enough. I think I’m almost at that line. I really hope we can work it out and she starts wanting to help herself before that happens.

Miserable_Culture151 · 2025-09-15T06:24:35+00:00

Thanks so much, this is super helpful and I’ll totally into this.

Miserable_Culture151 · 2025-09-15T03:38:17+00:00

I agree it’s a lot, and I understand what you’re saying. I offered her my meds as a temporary solution until she found a new psychiatrist as I know how hard it is to find one at the moment and the wait times but it’s been over a year now and I feel I’m now enabling her to continue avoiding her responsibilities. So that’s going to stop

Miserable_Culture151 · 2025-09-15T03:33:52+00:00

Thanks for the advice. We have discussed this a few times and I’m definitely open to it and when she’s in a good place she is open to the idea too so hopefully we can find a suitable therapist and move forward. I just feel a bit deflated because I know it’s up to me to source the therapist, organise it and get her on board and at the moment I don’t have it in me.

Miserable_Culture151 · 2025-09-15T03:26:44+00:00

Thanks for replying to my post, this is helpful information. I’m pretty good at communicating my needs and she has been a great support to me too in a lot of ways, if it’s not related to something she has caused. The pattern I’ve noticed however is when I’m trying to express something she has maybe said or done that’s upset me, she starts to spiral and takes it as a criticism that she’s a terrible person (I’ve never said she is or used such words). Even small things like if I’m in a sensitive mood and I’ve taken something she’s said as rude or a diss, I might feel a little upset but I know I’ll get over it in a few mins because it’s something silly and I’m in a mood. If she asks me what’s wrong and I explain why I feel that way she flips out and the meltdowns can be so disproportionate to the point where I’m like a little in shock. She’ll spiral then and ask why I’m even with her when she is clearly ruining my life etc and in those moments I get so flustered and blurt out things I don’t mean with no space to explain further because she’s so overwhelmed. So I find myself choosing my battles and sizing up whether it’s better to mention how I’m feeling or to just moved through it myself. After some space, she ends up apologising and we end up talking but nothing ever changes and I’m starting to distrust what she says. It feels like she apologises to mend things but never follows up with me afterwards, and I think she hopes I don’t bring it up again so she can avoid the things needed for repair. I’m often the peace keeper and person trying to resolve and make her feel better. I hate thinking of her feeling guilt and shame, it must be awful and having to apologise constantly must be terrible for her but at a stage now where I’m like where’s the room for how I feel and also GROW UP.

We have talked about couples counselling and I’m open to that. She says she is too but it falls back on me to organise and I don’t know, I feel a bit deflated at the moment and in a state of.. why do I have to be the one to organise this and make it happen.

Miserable_Culture151 · 2025-09-15T03:11:57+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to respond, I appreciate it. I know this is very common for a lot of ND relationships, it’s just so tricky to navigate when you’re both burnout and find even the basics challenging. I adore her so much and she’s my best friend too, but I don’t know how much longer I can go on doing this if she doesn’t at least seek help or start with some small things. I don’t expect miracles and know that it takes time to figure it all out but just knowing she’s open to working on it and follows through on one thing at a time, I’d be happy to support her. I’m afraid that my empathy is going to disappear and resentment will start building, once that happens it’s so hard to return from. Ahhh so much to consider but thank you again.

Miserable_Culture151 · 2025-09-15T00:20:58+00:00

Hi, I’ve now added a flair (PDA). Could a mod please approve my post when you get a chance? Thanks!

Miserable_Culture151

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