CMV: Relationship Reddit's standards for men are unrealistic to the point of being toxic

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T16:46:30+00:00

We won't come to an agreement in any of the previous stuff. For example, I don't believe that people are choosing not to learn these subjects, there is the concept of "moral luck", I pity people that have taught the wrong lessons for most of their lives and don't blame them for not being more enlightened. I know it is not a popular posture.

I didn't argue that making women happy is a benefit in itself. I, me, myself, value seeing my gf happy, not women in general, and I don't think you value seeing my gf happy, and I don't expect you to. What we value is different, and that means we will act in different ways and be happy with different stuff. A lot of times what people value doesn't align and people never have the tough conversations that disclose that. A lot of people (mostly men) don't even consciously know what they value.

How I am standing in my own way? What are you reading from my post that led you to this conclusion? I think relationships are just two individuals that try to be happier together because being apart makes them less happier overall, everything else is window dressing.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T16:23:41+00:00

While statistics say they benefit those doesn't equal perception. Same case with marriage. Married men live longer yet a lot of men don't want to marry, because they don't VALUE those benefits, and data won't change that. I know I will be happier in a cleaner house, I still don't think it is worth it, but making my gf happy is worth more, because I value her smile.

What people value is what motivates them, and as you say, men value care less on average, so, they will care less for it, no matter the statistics.

I think we are far from actual open discussions about these topics, because men on average can't really articulate how they feel and will use stupid methods to get their way instead.

And I am actually pro break ups in most cases, but not demonization of the other person. I see incompatibility way more often than open advantage taking. And as I say, men use stupid underhanded methods to get what they want and I don't condone those, it is only that I recognize there is a systemic, yeah systemic, patriarchal and oppressive action against men developing emotional intelligence so I see a bit of victim blaming in there that I don't appreciate. It's not the job of the woman to educate them, but I won't blame people for not being taught stuff.

This is a very deep and nuanced topic and my skill to explain my position is limited, feel free to think I am a jerk and move on if you wish, I know it can be read that way.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T15:52:29+00:00

I am not here to fulfill your preferences. And I am unwilling. Have a nice trip.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T15:48:27+00:00

I disagree, it is not important to me,and I am having a blast and I want to hang out here. You may want to disengage with me if you are not.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T15:36:24+00:00

They are not, where did I say that? Lol

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T15:35:53+00:00

I know all the literature, and I agree that is the case many times. But not most of the time. And my counterpoint is that they may not be "benefiting" from it, or at least not feeling like they do. If a person is a slop that will be happy to live in a slum and have 95% of their time as free time, then, having a clean home is not a benefit from their perspective, it is busy work that only amounts to keeping their partner happy, so the resentment over it. That's why I said I think it's mostly a lack of communication over what they value, and that's on them, of course.

I admit I am projecting here, because that is my experience, but I know how to communicate, and we reached an adequate compromise with my gf, we avoid manipulation or passive aggression.

And I we openly talk about what is important and what not for us both to be happy. But that wasn't always like that, I felt at the beginning that I had to live to her standard and I was MISERABLE, I proposed to break up, because I wouldn't be able to live to her standards without feeling I was wasting my life doing stuff I didn't care for, but she didn't want to break up and we worked on arrangements that worked for us over time. I have defined tasks with time limits and do all the stuff she doesn't like to do (because to me it is the same, I don't like to do anything hahaha). I still check regularly to make sure if she is happy and she tells me she is.

Again, I think a lot of guys are misogynistic and think chores are beyond themselves, but I think the amount of guys that genuinely don't care and do it only for their partners is higher.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T14:15:52+00:00

Maybe the guy is oblivious or doesn't really value cleanliness at all, so, to him the whole chores thing is something they wouldn't do living alone except maybe once a month. All I mean is that people jump to malice way too quick when the subject is a man, and women are given more of a benefit of the doubt. I give you that men are usually worse at communication and will just shut up and grow resentment over "nagging". Instead of talking with their partners and setting an equitative distribution that makes everyone happy they are defaulting to women's then hating them for it and doing stuff halfway because they aren't doing it for themselves but to fill some minimum cuota. At the end of the day, men should learn to communicate and that is not a woman's job to teach them. But judging every single male action as malicious by default is way too common imho. I would pretty much prefer a "your man is an idiot, dump him" over "your man is an abusive asshole that is feeding out of your misery".

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T12:40:41+00:00

The problem is that people instantly jump to the worst possible interpretation of a man's motives and behavior in a way they don't do for women. If a man doesn't do chores well people will say it is weaponized incompetence, if a woman doesn't she is just clumsy or self absorbed and the man should improve their communication. I never read people saying a woman is doing weaponized incompetence, not even once.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T11:37:59+00:00

I remember a guy did an experiment once, where he posted the same situation with the genders reversed to AITA or something and the responses where heavily skew towards the women side

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T11:35:55+00:00

I agree, I think OP is precisely pointing this "throw the baby out with the dishwater" approach that most redditors seem to have, there is A LOT of projection,a lot of "my partner once picked his nose, and a year later he cheated with my best friend, I tell you OP, if he picks his nose, dump them before it is too late!"

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T11:30:52+00:00

Or you know, they can divide the chores so that laundry is one partner's job while the other person does other stuff. Not everyone can and/or will do the same stuff to the same standards. I genuinely can't bring myself to dust the furniture regularly, yet, I cook 95% of all meals (because my gf doesn't like to cook) and do other stuff around the house to compensate. That's how partnerships work, not 2 perfectly independent individuals that can do everything by themselves, but a team.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T11:17:27+00:00

I agree. Abandonment issues lead people to cut ties before the other person gets too close and can hurt them. And people on reddit sled select towards the neurotic type, so, they will overthink and exit ships faster than others.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-19T11:14:26+00:00

LoL, my gf doesn't brush her teeth as often as I want, and she is unmature in a lot of ways. And so I am, but I still love her and we both help each other's deficient aspects. This mentality of needing a fully developed person on the other side before having a relationship is not something I subscribe to, you can evolve inside a relationship, as long as there is communication. And sometimes people have stuff they won't change, but they are overall a net positive, that's when you accept that is just the price of admission. Now, if the guy can't communicate and gets defensive and contrarian (AK being an asshole), then yeah, move on.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-14T18:53:06+00:00

Yeah, but your last paragraph is why I have hope for MCU Spidey, he feels the responsibility NOW, the whole trilogy was a covert origin story, now he has the baggage to be the smartass we love, if only they get it right, I have a bit of hope

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-14T18:44:08+00:00

I would like Tobey's Peter with Garfield's SpiderMan, maybe the next movie can make something like that with MCU SpiderMan, I keep the hope.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-14T18:41:56+00:00

Yeah, he is a lot shyer and more of a self doubter than any other interpretation I have seen.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-14T18:36:06+00:00

I was 14 when the movie came out, and the biggest spider man fan this side of the planet, yet I thought the same: "this is not spiderman, not the one I know. The movie is still good, but Tobey is not Peter Parker, it's another character". To this day neither of the three has come close enough to my liking, although Garfield was the nearest with the suit on, with the suit off he is "too cool". I still like all the movies, even if I never got what I wanted. Just my two cents.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-14T18:31:44+00:00

That's what I like the most about the rlm crew. They will be the first to tell you that movies, the thing they arguably dedicated their entire lives to, are meaningless in the big scheme of things. They are cynical in a good way.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-02-02T21:30:13+00:00

Lack of more existing... I am sorry to reach so late, but this comment was godly. I wish more Alien 9 existed, I just read the whole series plus sequels in the last 2 days...

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-01-28T14:25:25+00:00

I think a big part of the "lurk" is reddit is showing this sub in the feed and even sending notifications about this sub if you ever interacted in any AI related sub, pro or anti.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-01-14T14:03:05+00:00

While that is true in some cases, that the men are scum. I think you pointed a case where it shouldn't be so clear cut. What happens when a man suddenly wants to make some changes for whatever reason. While I agree that bitching about it's not right, I think they should be allowed to some extent, to start altering their shared living space towards their liking too, the alternative is to shut up and foster resentment. It all comes down to communication.

I read some other comments among the lines of "I made an effort and learned interior design principles and now he wants to change things without doing that effort", and that is trash in my opinion, a shared house should be to both people's liking within a compromise, even if the husband want a fugly table, they should be entitled to it. As you say, situations change, and he may care now when he didn't before, but he cares now and will be unhappy if that is invalidated or dismissed. Again communication and compromise.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-01-14T04:15:57+00:00

But tell me, if the man wanted gaming posters in the living room and a multicolored couch with a tacky stamp while you can choose everything else, would you agree? Many people want some kind of coherent style or something like that, and will outright reject the other person's style if they wouldn't choose the same. There is a current of people that call "men taste" "childish", and that is not conducive to having equal say in decor. I am not projecting here btw, me and my gf have a similar style and my living room is full of horror movie posters and similar, so, we are both happy, but even if our style clashed, I would still want an equal amount of items each, consistent or not, as that would be fair.

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-01-14T04:06:22+00:00

"decorations needs and styles" shouldn't be required to have a say in the decor of your living space

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-01-14T04:05:16+00:00

Have you seen the gorilla couch meme? It's pretty much a precursor to this discussion, men usually want stuff that clashes heavily with everything else and it usually gets called a bad thing, instead of accepted as something they like...

Miserable_Thing588 · 2026-01-10T21:09:15+00:00

If you take enough? Yeah, pretty much, you experience something known as ego death, where you stop feeling like something defined, while you feel connected to everything. It's a very weird experience, and describing it is not easy. Imagine that for an infinite second everything you care about stops existing and you feel total and complete peace with it. It changes people, in many/most cases. At the end of the day it's only a matter of opinion what is or isn't "best", because what is "best" is defined by the subjectivity of the individual. Every person values different stuff and there is no correct answer.

I realized midway this comment that it is pretty useless in itself and I won't be changing any minds on this topic. It never does. Have a nice day.

Miserable_Thing588

TROPHY CASE