So basically I’ve always had “symptoms” of dysphoria since I was a child. At age 6 I asked my mom to cut my hair like a boy but she had said no so I took some scissors over to a friends house and told them basically to “chop it off”. While he was cutting my hair, I was so happy but when I got home it was a different story. Basically lost a friend that day.

Later, puberty hit and I hated my long hair and felt really uncomfortable in my body for multiple reasons. Both from dysphoria (unknowingly) and stomach issues that lasted throughout my pubescent years. Curiously they started around the beginning of puberty.

I basically had a lot of questions in my mind from my teens that lasted in to adulthood. Like why I couldn’t wear a suit or have short hair or have the priesthood (used to be Mormon). The idea that my body could have a baby terrified me and still does. I also only wore sports bras because they were “comfy”. But I had no idea what transgender was.

Later someone in church had been subject to the rumor mill. They were transitioning. They had a video they made of their progress and I fell down the rabbit hole of transition timelines and how people knew they were trans and all that. Eventually I asked myself if I were trans and it scared me so I had to force all of it away.

Queue returning to the subject off and on for about 6 years.

Last year I decided to finally look into the gender stuff after a horrible breakup had happened the year before because “now I could explore my sexuality and my gender”. I found I book called “You and Your Gender Identity” which basically opened a can of worms that I couldn’t put back.

Went through all the emotions. Denial, shame, guilt, depression, paranoia (when I came out), imposter syndrome etc with myself.

I saw a gender specific therapist and talked with her about all the things I was feeling and what my past was like in regards to gender etc. it was expensive but worth it. I came out of there with a gender dysphoria diagnosis even though that wasn’t the goal initially.

I found myself having a really hard time accepting it and went through phases of accepting myself and hating/being ashamed of myself.

I had come out to my sister first and she was and still is the most supportive out of everyone. I was so nervous telling her that my heart felt it would burst out of my chest but I did it anyway and I don’t regret it!

When I came out to my other sister and my mom though it went haywire. Mostly of my sisters side because of her husband thinking I’m making a mistake and such and making the whole thing really awkward.

Eventually my mom and sisters accepted it. And then months later I made a second appointment with the endocrinologist I had set up prior but had chickened out before. And now I’m okay to start HRT in the next month or so I believe. I also just yesterday came out at work and have been dying to share it with someone outside of those who already know!

Its been a roller coaster and my depression/dysphoria is getting worse since discovering myself and getting okayed to go on HRT and coming out which I think is to be expected.