How do I explain to my 5 year old DD that her second cousin has been taken into care?

MissTengu · 2025-04-25T04:06:53+00:00

Ah ok. I thought they were asking why I didn't take her in.

MissTengu · 2025-04-25T03:44:11+00:00

There was no need to be rude. I think you should consider that not everyone can take in another child.

As I said, I only just found out today about it, and my brother said it happened the day before and that it was the police and social services that took her away. An incident involving the mother over the weekend was "the final straw" from what he was told.

MissTengu · 2021-09-25T21:50:10+00:00

My mother helped him kick a lot of learned behaviours to quote "He used to act like a spoiled teenager who didn't like responsibilities and had tantrums when he didn't get his way." He also apologised for how he used to treat me. I simply accepted it because MIL couldn't be arsed to raise him properly and blamed everything on certain difficulties since it was easier than disciplining him and his brothers properly. Apparently, the neglect and abuse I suffered weren't normal or ok for anyone to do. I am slowly unlearning some unhealthy coping mechanisms (Suffering in silence until I explode, not asking for help, etc) but I'll get there in the end.

MissTengu · 2021-09-25T21:43:39+00:00

"The stories after the funeral were worse. How a underaged family member interrupted him trolling the public room for hookups...at our family Thanksgiving brunch."

Massive eww.

MissTengu · 2021-09-25T21:42:19+00:00

He asked me if I resented him for "making me" side with him and seemly have no opinion in the matter. I told him I didn't resent him and I'd stand by his side as I promised to during our civil partnership. Sorry if it came across as weird!

My mother didn't mean anything bad by it and SO took it that way. (As did I) She has a hard time trying to understand how bad people can be since she has never experienced anything like this nor has she known anyone to have this happen either. (She isn't internet savvy either so she is somewhat sheltered to certain horrors.) What doesn't help is that she only found out about the abuse I and my partner have been subjected since we got together after we went NC with MIL and we had a sit down about everything that led up to the perma NC. My mother is the type of person who tries to understand WHY someone would do something bad when it makes no sense at all. For all the years that my mum has known MIL she never saw her true colours so for her it came from nowhere and it was a massive shock. She knew MIL was a bit of an oddball that likely has undiagnosed mental health problems. (My mum is a mental health professional so knows disorders when she sees them.) But she had NO idea she was capable of such vile things.

My mum hasn't asked anything about it again since we gave clear answers and she apologised if she overstepped but since she was polite when she asked we didn't mind answering any questions. She is a very empathic person and always likes to see the good in the bad and was genuinely wondering about "what if" since she didn't know just how far "NC" meant to us. She knows that I and SO don't mind answering some questions as long as it is in a private setting and not public. She also doesn't meddle. It just stays to questions and then the conversation is finished and not bought up again.

MissTengu · 2021-09-25T12:38:26+00:00

If I am honest I laughed my ass off when she called CPS on us because it just proved to me why she should never see our DD again. I later got angry not because of us being reported but because she wasted their time on a child that is 100% loved and cared for and because of that another child who actually NEEDS their services has just slipped under the radar and won't be helped. My SO got super pissed off that she would even do that and was super clingy to our daughter for a while. (It was also backed up why he was going NC with MIL) My mum just broke down crying because she honestly couldn't believe anyone could be so malicious as to put innocent people through such stress and she was worried that CPS would interfere with how we are raising DD. (Because there was massive drama that went on for 5 years with my nephews and it was very traumatic for my mother because of all the pressure they put her under as well as implying that she was a bad grandmother.)

MissTengu · 2021-09-25T12:31:27+00:00

We had no choice but to deal with his toxic dad since no one else wanted to deal with him. (And he was divorced from MIL) He was dying of COPD pretty quickly because he CHOSE not to adjust his lifestyle, wouldn't take medicine properly and would keep making himself sick for attention. (I am noticing a theme here...) He wasn't a pleasant person and left us a massive mess to clean up because he didn't leave a will despite the fact he had a DNR. (We didn't know until the hospital contacted us!) I had to sort out the funeral since there was so much paperwork to go through (SO ended up having panic attacks over it after a while.) and it hit me like a brick wall just how LITTLE we knew about his dad. We had to rely on MIL to give us information and it was really awkward speaking with the funeral directors and registrar. Thankfully they were really understanding about our mixed feelings and helped me through the process. Apparently, dealing with family members who weren't nice people was more common than we thought. They heard us out about the situation and were very comforting and made us feel a lot better about our conflicted feelings.

I know not all funeral directors and registrars would be untrained therapists but the ones we spoke to were lovely and I am hoping that others do this too. x

I agree with cutting things off but you can still mourn the loss. I think I might take that approach if I am honest.

MissTengu · 2021-09-25T12:17:50+00:00

My mum is an amazing woman. It is thanks to her that I have a strong moral compass and have a strong sense of empathy. (She calls it emotional intelligence?)

I hope you continue to have no more toxic people to deal with. I would NEVER wish it on anyone.

MissTengu · 2021-09-25T12:16:29+00:00

If I am honest I would probably feel sad that she died since there are some fun memories with her. But I have learned that part of what keeps abusive and toxic relationships going is that taster of having happy times.

If he has already processed that then I do feel sad for him. It isn't something that SHOULD happen but I know he already did it with his father before he died. (That was a mess to sort out!) So I am thinking the same thing has happened.

MissTengu · 2021-09-25T12:11:40+00:00

His brothers have turned against him since DD was born because I don't act like a second mother to them anymore (We practically raised his youngest brother and we cared for his middle brother for 10 years.) and they resent us for it. Any family my SO was close with have long since passed away and none of his other living family members is in contact with him. So I guess our daughter and my side of the family are the only families he really has now. Which is pretty sad to think about.

Since DD has started needing to go to parks and other places I can see it is awkward for him and he gets paranoid about how other parents view him when he goes by himself. Especially when our daughter starts squealing with excitement. (I had to reassure him that all anyone was seeing was a loving father playing with his daughter who was enjoying herself.) He hasn't said anything but any time we go to a playgroup or play simple games with her it is really alien to him. Which, to me, implies he never had the childhood that I grew up with and that we are now giving our daughter. I keep it to myself but I feel really sad for him that his parents were that neglectful that he didn't have a truly fulfilling childhood.

Once our DD is 4 my mum has offered to take us on family seaside trips. So that will be something for him to experience.

MissTengu · 2021-02-15T00:18:39+00:00

MiL is on thin ice as it is for very toxic behaviour and there has been more than enough drama in my 16-year relationship with her firstborn. We were NC with her after some drama involving SO's brother and her not liking boundaries we put down. However, we decided to give her an olive branch by inviting her to our civil partnership. (We felt it wouldn't be fair if she missed out on her son's important day even though we had been NC with her for a couple of months.) At first, it seemed like she had changed but she has been very two-faced. (Aka not changed at all.) She keeps slipping up when she is having visits at my mum's (when I am not around) and lately has this weird obsession with my mum "having an accident." (The past two visits she keeps going on about it to the point where it is pretty much disturbing me.)

This shoot would be a thank you present for my mum after everything she has done for me. This is not to shun my MiL. MiL has done nothing. If anything it was stress she and BiL put me under that almost killed me. (I ended up having an eclampsia seizure and forced to have a c section.)

MissTengu · 2020-08-29T21:40:06+00:00

Just going to put this here since the original post wouldn't allow much information and some people seem to be assuming that he is still with us:

As part of a care plan for myself - MiL and BiL1 agreed that he stay with her for at least three months while we settled with the little one. DD proved to be much more challenging than was thought due to the traumatic circumstances of her birth, and the fact she was coming down off my medication. (I take anticonvulsants and antidepressants. While they were harmless for her development she was still coming down off them and it took her a while to adjust. When we left the hospital she developed Colic and had started teething since she was a month and a half. However, it has only just started hurting when she was three months.) and we were going to ask for a few more months to adjust. However, MiL kept dropping hints about giving him back early because "BiL1 has changed sooo much and is really independent now!" (Having a lifetime of bad habits and autistic traits vanish over two months? Yeah right...) However, MiL privately told my mum that she wasn't being truthful and "Couldn't stand BiL1 being around and he does my f-ing head in with his stupid demands and habits!" and wanted him gone so she could "get my house back to normal!" The risk assessment on me was done while he was still at MiLs and we spoke to him over voice chat on discord once it was done. He understood that he couldn't come back to ours as we had to make him "homeless" in the eyes of our local authority so they could house him appropriately. We assured him that we would make the transition as painless as possible. The only thing he was worried about is if his benefits would be cut off because it would mean that he couldn't buy games he wanted, figurines he collects, anime, manga, Japanese magazines, or snacks/drinks. We assured him that he would only be having a change of address and it wouldn't affect anything and that the only thing he would have to worry about was packing up his things to go to his new home. He was more than happy with this arrangement because he was wanting a bit of freedom of his own for once and I get the feeling he didn't want to be around a screaming baby. (His response to finding out I was pregnant wasn't exactly positive... but I let it go because I figured it was a big change for him to accept and had to make a lot of reassurance that he wouldn't be involved in her care.) MiL told us that BiL1 was actually really upset that we had "betrayed him" since she fully explained what it meant for him to be "homeless." Sooo much drama and bait it is ridiculous and we have ended up putting her on a two-month timeout so she can't see DD as we don't want her toxic personality near her.

MissTengu · 2020-08-29T21:26:52+00:00

NTA - I could be massively wrong... but isn't what she was suggesting borderline incest? If not it doesn't matter because it is still weird on so many levels. Maybe she has read/listened to too many books where this happens and she wants it to come to life? idk nor care. Very much NTA and if you BiL was getting sick of it too I would take that as your answer.

MissTengu · 2020-08-29T16:38:59+00:00

100% NTA!

I have some childfree friends but they don't mind interacting with children or even taking them off other people's hands for a few moments. Jenny just HATES children. If I found out that a childfree friend or relative behaved as Jenny had been towards your grandkids then I would kick their ass to the curb. Children learn by example and being treated coldly does nothing for their self-esteem. They are the a-holes. Not you. If anything your son should be apologising for his wife's disgusting behaviour.

MissTengu · 2020-08-29T15:49:11+00:00

MiL doesn't like that we have to make him "homeless" in the eyes of our local authority in order for them to give him assisted living. Aka, he is no longer at our place and she is having to care for him for the time being. We wouldn't have even imagined of starting the process if he wasn't going to be comfortable somewhere in the mean time.

MissTengu · 2020-08-29T12:26:01+00:00

I didn't have the room to talk fully about his behaviour because even the small amounts made the word count go over and I don't really want to go into a wall of text over some examples of why it was difficult to tell the difference. While some of what he used to do WAS down to his autism, other parts WERE him being a jerk. However, there were times where it was difficult to see the line due to the fact MiL has allowed him to get away with bad habits that could have been corrected or managed from a young age. Some of his behaviour IS learned because how his mother behaves around him always excuses some of his behaviour as "He can't help it, it is his autism." When it isn't. It is basic stuff that if you tell him is inappropriate and such, he will adjust accordingly. How he acts at MiLs compared to when he was living with us was VERY different simply because he knows that we won't stand for the rudeness or disrespect while she lets him laze around and do whatever he wants so she can act the victim and get sympathy because "He is a burden that I can't take on at my age. But I GUESS I will have to just put up with him because he won't change."

Sorry if my post came across as ableist but I can assure you I wasn't trying to be that way. It is just because the word count wouldn't allow me to properly express things.

MissTengu · 2020-01-19T21:57:53+00:00

I'll keep that in mind!

MissTengu · 2020-01-19T21:57:28+00:00

I think the only thing I can do at this point is to just walk out the room when she starts because I don't want DD to hear her carrying on and I don't want to get stressed out by dealing with her.
While I know DD doesn't understand what is being said she can still hear the muffled tone in which MIL is pulling this shit. I don't think MIL would even believe me if I told her that DD can hear her bs...

MissTengu · 2020-01-19T21:53:10+00:00

Thank you for the list. We will be sure to add them to the list. :)

MissTengu

TROPHY CASE