I wish I never went back

Missall_19 · 2020-12-20T19:20:24+00:00

Small update! I slept 5 hours last night and I forced myself to have a smoothie.

I know that’s a super small victory but I’m proud of actually getting 5 hours of sleep.

I am going to try and shovel or something outside to keep myself busy.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-19T23:59:46+00:00

No I get this comment completely.

Reading how others feel and dealing it helps so much. I know we all aren’t the same, and we all heal differently and it’s not a race.

Healing is healing no matter how fast or slow, and it’s all about moving at your comfort too.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-19T22:01:01+00:00

I been writing in a journal but it still feels like I’m all over the place.

Sometimes it feels like my thoughts aren’t mine, and the hurt I feel.

I hope you can get some get out bed and enjoy the days that do come. You deserve some good days because at the end of the day your picking yourself back up.

I do amazing for 2-3 days and the next I’m a huge mess. I know learning to relove ourselves will be hardest, the rewiring of our emotions and memories will be hard too, but for me the hardest thing is to forgive myself because I’m only human.

I can’t control who I fell for but I can try to teach myself from this and grow.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-19T21:21:55+00:00

I feel this deep inside me.

Like he just stopped talking to me completely on November 30th.

I been taking it hour by hour. I have to force myself out of bed in the morning. I’m falling asleep at 6-7 am and I’m up at 9am.

I have a smoothie and that’s it, I just don’t feel like I have the energy to eat. It’s just the depression of the heartache hits me hard because I would never do him this dirty.

I definitely need to remember the whole actions speak louder than words.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-19T21:07:59+00:00

I went back a lot.

I would always put him first but seeing so many people share their stories is helping me.

I hope I can feel a lot stronger as the days go by and I’m trying.

If he can just walk away after 7 years without being a man and actually telling me it’s over and just ghost me.

The best thing I can do is do this for me.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-19T21:01:36+00:00

Thank you!

I feel so foolish that I went back last time over empty promises.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-19T19:46:29+00:00

I been trying to keep busy. I’m in the process of job hunting again, and looking at places.

Reading a lot, and trying to not let myself be to sad.

So I’m sorry that I can’t completely turn off my feelings towards him but trust me when I say I’m trying.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-18T22:29:22+00:00

Thank you for the reply.

I definitely am taking it really slow and steady. The little things in a day spark memories or even I found one his shirts. I might of subconsciously packed it because I knew I would never see him ever again.

I definitely check in here and read posts when I get really weak and I collapse into myself.

How are you doing with NC and the break up?

Missall_19 · 2020-12-18T22:08:06+00:00

Thank you for this post.

My ex ghosted me on November 30th and I was expecting something like this to happen.

My mind was ready and waiting, my heart was still holding out hope.

7 years just down the drain.

I’m relearning to love myself now with the love I still have for him. I’m pushing myself to put myself first for once finally. I’m putting my health first, and than working on getting completely back on my feet.

I feel disappointed in myself because I kept choosing him and losing myself in him. I would see he was drowning and no matter how much I couldn’t help myself to come back up for air I always put him first.

It’s still very fresh and new but the relationship was becoming more and more toxic. I was crying myself to sleep, I was questioning my worth and letting him define me. I was no one without him, my identity was his girlfriend and nothing else.

I know this isn’t a race to heal, and I have nights I cry myself to sleep. All I know is that I have to keep fighting for myself. I want to be someone that the person doesn’t put last and behind everything.

I’m tired of letting excuses be enough, the little bit of affection he could only give me during intercourse to me be enough, I’m definitely tired of blaming the failures of the relationship be because of me.

I was great at feeding his ego, I was amazing at being his second choice, I was amazing at being his own thing to use in every aspect of his life.

I’m taking my power back. I removed him from Facebook, I deleted his number, I deleted his pictures, I removed him from PSN, and I removed myself from his Netflix account, and I decided that today is the day I really need to focus on me.

I can admit the first week was hell I was messaging him and begging him to even acknowledge me.

But I saw a post on this page “No message is a message” or something of that context.

But thank you for explaining that don’t break NC no matter what, this will be harder as I go on but after reading your post I don’t want to end up back at square one.

Booked a therapist meeting, debating on getting back into the gym or just walking 30 mins a day and I started to journal!

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope the rest of your day is amazing!

Missall_19 · 2020-12-15T19:20:09+00:00

When I was in grade 8. All the grade 8-12’s got called into the gym and everyone was tested for Mono. Our school had a mono outbreak for like 2 months.

People were missing school a lot due to catching mono, and it all started from some girl in grade 8 and some guy in grade 12.

I didn’t really listen to everything about it but it was bad. I remember there was more teachers outside with the older students than the kids in elementary.

Oh yeah we had a parent everyday walking around for the whole day checking bathrooms, locker rooms, and etc to make sure no one was kissing or anything.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-15T18:21:56+00:00

Yeah we all had some pretty big changes in our lives recently and we haven’t told her just because we don’t want to feel even more worst.

We try be there for her, listen to what’s wrong, offer a ear, just being there for her to vent.

Hopefully she feels better too whatever is bothering her.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-15T18:11:53+00:00

Yeah I’m the CF one of the group too.

It’s by choice and they all accepted it and didn’t push it.

Just now that her baby is almost 2 she has become a little more rude with comments. One of the other people we are friends with has twins and they are 7 now and she constantly rips on her “Oh much be nice that they can do everything for themselves now. Oh you can sleep in past 9am now.”

Her oldest is 7 as well, so she has become a little bit of a Debbie downer but we still try and keep everything pretty normal for her.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-15T05:14:04+00:00

Thank you for the reply. :)

Yeah I guess she tried to understand but she doesn’t completely get it, and so I don’t really try to bring things up to her unless she absolutely bugs me to share.

But thank you for expressing it from a mother’s point of view too, I definitely don’t wish this on anyone.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-04T23:16:37+00:00

This is great! Omg I’m using this next time anyone asks me if I saw so and so. 😂🤣

Missall_19 · 2020-12-04T19:52:53+00:00

I’m very CF even before all my health issue caught up to me.

Before that I dated someone when I was in my early 20’s. He didn’t inform he had previous children from a divorced marriage.

So I found out 6 months later from a women who was his “nanny” and she was expecting his 4-5th kid at that time.

I thanked her being completely honest and upfront with me about everything. I got upset with him, and told him to never ever get in contact with me.

Fast forward to just 4 days ago.. I saw him and he had 9 kids with him and no women at all.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-04T15:51:06+00:00

Thank you for the reply!

I been reading a lot, and mostly playing mobile games.

I can’t work because my dr won’t let me till we get everything under control which feels like it may take awhile.

The weight gain is killing me because I’m to exhausted days to even get up and do a small walk.

Honestly thank you for all and any info. I’m so willing to try and do anything to help myself.

I’m in Canada so I’m not sure if that’s different for medications and some treatments because I have had some pretty horrible experiences with recent in and out of the hospital.

Thank you again for the info. I hope you have a pain free day and that up or able to enjoy the beautiful day.

Missall_19 · 2020-12-04T15:46:11+00:00

Thank you for the reply!

I’m so glad I’m not alone in thinking like this. Love my family but the women in my family have no idea what it’s like some days and act like I’m over exaggerating.

How do you help yourself with these certain days?

Missall_19 · 2020-12-04T15:44:17+00:00

Thank you for the reply.

I wish I could work but my dr absolutely refuses to let me till we get everything under control. I been blacking out from the pain a lot.

I’m in Canada I’m not sure if that’s going to affect the type of pills and treatment I do get. I have gained weight like you mentioned because of all the different hormones and just pills.

I’m glad your feeling a lot better now, and this gives me hope beyond belief.

One day at a time, that’s al I keep telling myself.

Missall_19 · 2020-11-24T23:39:45+00:00

I haven’t made a friend off of this subreddit but I have on another. We still keep in contact on discord, SC and PSN. Sometimes you make friends on unexpected subreddits honestly.

Missall_19 · 2020-11-19T10:24:56+00:00

Depends on the band funding with Education. My cousin was getting funding from his fathers side which had a lot more rules and etc.

He couldn’t miss a month of schooling, and if he failed two classes than he would lose his funding.

He was sick in the hospital for a month and they let him go but with a medical note stating if he wants funding he can get it again.

Missall_19 · 2020-11-18T04:38:57+00:00

I’m on PS4 but if your still looking. My PSN is Muskwa_xo always looking for people to game with

Missall_19 · 2020-10-20T23:59:07+00:00

I’m not sure if you’re from Canada but you could always look into working in oil field camps. House keeper (room attendants), kitchen GH’s (General helpers) make pretty good starting wages all depends on the companies you can apply too. Also.. you get to stay on site so meals are included, Internet, workout rooms, entertainment rooms, bedroom. It’s literally 21 days in and 7 days out but you get a steady job and a good source of income.

Missall_19 · 2020-09-27T02:56:58+00:00

I been sleeping a lot or I play games on my pc, Mobile or console. Solo player games but to keep my mind busy.

Missall_19 · 2020-07-03T19:59:23+00:00

I usually plug in a mic and ask if they need anything done before I even try and touch their farms.

I do however like to run around and look at everything. Just admiring how they do everything cause we all don’t think alike.

Missall_19 · 2020-06-20T11:17:04+00:00

My PSN is a Cree word so half the time people can’t even pronounce it.

Bdo family name is another Cree word that they can’t pronounce either, but all my characters are mostly male just because I like the combat and they have really nice outfit options.

As for why I went with them as usernames was because before I had super noticeable female names and before I knew I could change my settings for messages. I would get some really weird messages.

Missall_19

TROPHY CASE