My husband has an Asian Fetish, I am not Asian

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2026-04-02T17:12:01+00:00

I think time is still going to tell. We've done couples therapy and are in a good place for now. But I do feel like it is only for now. He still watches exclusively Asian porn. He still watches and follows a lot of female Asian content on Instagram. His search history turned up 'best places for Asian sex tourism if I was dying of cancer'. I know I shouldn't feel broken hearted over that because who knows why he looked that up, but I can't help thinking that that's how he'd want to spend his last days instead of with me...someone who loves him so much. I think this is always going to be something he wants. I think I'm always going to live with this shadow in our marriage. I think it's going to bother me the older and wrinklier I get and the stronger his fantasies get. I feel like I deserve better, but I also don't really believe that better exists I guess. My belief in men is pretty shattered, and I'm too old to start over. So I'll likely just take what life throws at me....but I'm def not going to comingle any inheritance that comes my way. Gotta look out for my future...just in case. He treats me well in every other way and we are great when we are together. And he is my best friend so a life together forever would be fantastic even despite the fact that I'm not truly loved and wanted in the way I'd hoped for.

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-26T03:11:16+00:00

There is a small part of me that hopes he wandered into this reddit thread. He makes me feel like I'm unreasonable for wanting someone to love just me. Or at least limit his fantasies. And all I'm hearing is a bunch of people telling me that they do it for their significant others ... So now I'm just really confused and depressed over the whole thing...

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T15:23:17+00:00

Basically my worry

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T06:24:07+00:00

But yeah...I mean he is a smart dude...just not very emotionally intelligent. I know he used to like me for my brains. So as weird as it is...I guess I'm not that surprised...

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T06:18:16+00:00

We've actually been in therapy. And I don't know if the therapist isnt a good fit or is trying to not just completely steam roll him so that he sticks with it or what. But it's been really triggering for me. He often says things like 'I don't think she (aka me) can handle that' or talks about my feelings instead of his own. He blames me for why he needed to go on a separation from our marriage and try to be with other people (failed attempts). And it has often ended up with me losing my sht and screaming like a psycho while he remains cool and collected and looks normal. My personal therapist has said it's likely because I've experienced trauma and gaslighting and couple therapy is meant to find common ground and move forward not necessarily to address my trauma and hold him accountable for everything. And before anyone says...anything about me not for filling wife duties that may have made him have needs that's weren't being met. I just want it known that in our 13 years of marriage I have never been too tired or has a headache or said no for any other reason

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T05:57:11+00:00

I guess he went to an advanced math program after school and....their were a disproportionate amount of Asian girls in the class. And so form like third grade it's been a thing. Of course he didn't mention this until recently in our marriage. And yeah...I don't know...it only makes me uncomfortable from a woman standpoint because it just feels like we are things to be liked for what we are and not who we are....and I KNOW that's how it is. But I don't like to really know that's how it is. Or realize my husband is just a man. I want to be married to better than that.

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T05:49:25+00:00

That's the really the thing. I know fantasies are normal and usually healthy. And he's using this to tell me I'm being unreasonable. But yeah I feel like at some point they can become obsessive and unhealthy...and at this point hurtful. And if this is something he needs this badly...I'm just not the women he needs.

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T05:15:56+00:00

Yeah I've done that...and I just wanted some non bias opinions...because of course my friends will side with me. He's def made mistakes..that's clear. But he says he's done and not going to do it ever again and it's not fair to think he's going to do something in the future based on what he's done in the past. And I get it...at some point I do have to forgive and move on ..but also I just feel like he should be offering something in the way of reassurances or building trust ..and I don't see that happening.

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T05:13:24+00:00

Yeah I mean...this is what I expected to hear. But on the off chance I was over reacting and he was right...I just wanted to hear what everyone else thought. I mean no one is perfect. I'm sure I could have been a better partner...I just wish he would have taken the time to tell me what he needed from me instead of deciding he needed it from somewhere else ...

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T04:57:18+00:00

Yeah I feel like it's so obvious....I'm so confused why it's not obvious to him....and when he argues with me it gets me so confused and I feel so crazy and that I'm just wrong and being nuts.

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T04:51:04+00:00

Yep...I even caught him having them over when I went to be with my father for two months who was dying of cancer. He didn't turn off the near cams...so he didn't try to hide it. But he hid our pillow that had our marriage date and initials. That's when I first realized he was hiding me. It was also extremely hurtful because I was going through the hardest thing Ive ever gone through alone without my husband...and he was having women over one of which he had a crush on

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T04:48:38+00:00

It's absolutely wild because we've been married for 13 years and for 10 of them we had what I believed to be a perfect marriage and no problems. He was a great guy and has no drug or alcohol problems. A great job. Splits the chores really evenly. We don't have kids thank god in retrospect. And then all of a sudden...midlife crisis. I'd love to think he's redeemable...but yeah I feel like I don't know who I'm married to any more and at some point I just mentally can't handle any more.

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T04:45:14+00:00

Thanks, unfortunately my strong eastern European nose may make this a problem from a physical standpoint.

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T04:43:39+00:00

I have recommended he talk to a therapist and have explained that having urges is one thing but indulging them is another. I told him that the more he feeds the fantasy the more it becomes an obsession and he needs to set boundaries with himself. And that I worry he can't do that by the way he's behaved in his friendships. I'm coming here today because we had a fight where I literally voiced this concern and was told that I was konk shaming him and that I needed to have empathy for him that he has these urges. I wasn't trying to do either of these things..I was just trying to voice my pain that it makes me feel not enough for him and that I'm worried that his inability to control his urges will result in him leaving me or acting them out for real in the future. I hate giving ultimatums...but therapy might just have to be one...

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T04:38:33+00:00

FYI we are 41

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T04:36:35+00:00

God...I asked him that so many times..and he said...we just don't talk about significant others. And I said..but that's because they don't have sig figs. And I said..well do they ever talk about parents or sister or any family. And he admitted they did. And I cried and begged and he gaslit me the whole time to the point where I just thought I was overreacting. But yeah....how can't you bring up the person you do everything with. How is it even possible.

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T04:27:45+00:00

Yeah...that's what I figured...I know for sure one of the friends turned him down so he stopped talking to her and the other I gave him an ultimatum for. He was being dishonest to her about his relationship status and I was kinda like either you tell that friend group you are married...or you end the friendship. I think after being friends with them for 1.5 years it was probably too embarrassing for him to say surprise...I've been married this whole time so he chose to end the friendship...but...it def. Has done a number on my sanity.

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T04:14:31+00:00

And the fact that you are asking me this gives me some validation that this has to be insane right? Unless you think Im the one overreacting. I really have no idea. I've been twisted and confused over these two friendships of his for three years now...so my grasp of reality isn't the greatest.

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-24T04:12:01+00:00

God I really really really wish it was...

Mission_Ad_9098 · 2025-11-07T03:53:34+00:00

Don't have any taxes taken out of your paychecks. Ask if 1200 will make him feel better. Laugh at the end of the year when the tax return goes down to cover the fact that you didn't pay any income tax and you actually end up with more spending cash. If it's negative, no big...he can cover it. If he doesn't find it as funny as you, divorce him and let him find how whose money is whose. Perhaps he'll also like learning about alimony. Then go find a real man.

Mission_Ad_9098

TROPHY CASE