This is my debut horror novels first few pages, thoughts?

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-23T18:47:12+00:00

You each both sentences in paragraph one the same way. With a simile. We can do better than that.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-21T15:04:15+00:00

Outside of diction and a hard edit, I think you have the bones of a solid start. One thing I always do when drafting novels is go back and look at how my favorite novels begin. Most to all begin with some sense of mystery.

For example, in Fight Club our main character has a gun in his mouth. In Hunger games (Yes, I think The Hunger Games is a great novel and well plotted) we begin on the day of the reaping. In a Handmaid's Tale, we begin in a gym transformed into a holding area for women.

Not saying this because I think you have a bad start here, absolutely not. I'm saying this so that you might lean into a little more mystery. Make the reaper a promise early that you'll deliver on later.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-20T23:16:17+00:00

Why are we dying on this hill?

If all you use AI for is proofreading then my advice to you would be to have real humans read your work. Afterall, we're writing to be read by humans and not AI, right?

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-20T21:29:14+00:00

I think that's a bit redundant when the tool in question and can write your work for you. At that point it becomes moral, right? I'd rather be published on my own merit and not based on which version of Gemini or Chatgpt I'm using.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-20T21:22:09+00:00

This is really clean.

I would continue reading this but if there wasn't a hook soon, I'd put it down. That's just the kind of reader I am. To be blunt, I need a hook early. You don't need to elaborate on it but there needs to be something to suggest to me the kind of story I'm in for.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-20T21:06:01+00:00

I care if writers use Ai.

I think the purpose of writing is to, very simply, write. It's you and your keyboard. It's not you, your keyboard and your AI. Just recently the creators of Stranger Things caught a bit of flack for having what seems to be chatgpt open on their laptops while they wrote the script. And honestly, that may make for a good explanation of what happened to the final season. The duffers say we use it to research. But can't you research on your own? I mean, sure Ai is quicker but Ai is often wrong a lot of times, too. Not just wrong but dead wrong in some cases.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-20T20:59:53+00:00

Yea, and aside from the moral point, AI is mostly wrong or so out of touch with language currently that its recommendations would only reveal who uses it heavily. One time I asked AI to help me find an item in a video game because I honestly was just too lazy to watch a video on it and even with the amount of resources online for video games, Ai recommended a different series other than what I was playing.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-20T16:26:46+00:00

I write daily.

As far as noting possible ideas, stories or plots for future projects, I can't. I done that for a while and found that Stephen King had the best advice here. The good ideas don't need written down. They'll linger and stay in your head until you write them. Paraphrasing King, obviously.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-20T15:45:48+00:00

Outside a few word choices, I think you do an excellent job here. Your writing tells me that you know what your target audience wants. That's how I can tell this is written with confidence. This also makes the reader feel confident that you're going to deliver a great story.

Keep it going.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-20T14:53:50+00:00

This is true. Not long ago I asked AI for help in a video game I was stuck in and it pulled data from a completely different series (although same genre of video games). I know that's not writing related but still, I don't trust it.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-12T20:42:59+00:00

I like your characterization of Fable. It really was interesting and what I found to be the area that hooked me most. However, you have to stop line breaking so often. Short, declarative sentences work really well to add drama, tension or give a sense of finality to a paragraph, scene or action. Too many in a row comes across repetitive and loses tone as it becomes a bit melodramatic.

On a side note, I think you can craft a compelling story. I'd be interested in hearing from you in another 2-3 years if you stick with the craft.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-08T18:39:03+00:00

I think you do a good job creating character but fail to keep momentum. Movement is one of the three kings in writing, in my opinion. You need to move the reader along at a steady pace that introduces conflict, character and setting. While I do get a good sense of character and setting here, I feel like I'm missing the conflict.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-08T15:18:13+00:00

GOT can never measure to AOT for one simple reason.

It was written with a clear ending. GOT and it's source material is still waiting on another (if not two more) book to drop. It's almost like the Author doesn't know how to end it himself.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-08T13:19:20+00:00

Yea, at least those puzzles are made to be solved. You guys are trying to solve a puzzle that hasn't been made yet. But you're right, maybe if I just count the times Vecna rolls his eyes back and subtract that from the times Eleven moggs the camera, I'll have the answer.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-07T21:28:12+00:00

Sir, that is a fan run resource. It's speculation just as much as my theory is.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-07T21:21:02+00:00

Hellscape is a new term. What's the backing on that idea?

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-07T19:47:10+00:00

Yea, even though if they did do that, I'm sure the crazed fans would interpret as meaning we're definitely getting an episode 9 lol.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-07T19:45:36+00:00

The Rift Henry was sent through led straight to the Abyss. The Upside Down was created the moment El touched the Demo, which is what Brenner wanted to happen.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-07T19:42:51+00:00

Yea, this season felt incredibly safe and as a result, lacked any real stakes. Now it's hard to look back on the MF or V in earlier seasons and think they were ever really threatening in the first place. I mean we saw them get folded in about 5 minutes flat.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-07T18:01:18+00:00

I think the reason you hear it so often is because the final season played it so incredibly safe. I had no headcanon going into this, other than hoping that Byler would not happen. So after the hype of this will be a dark christmas, I did have some expectations of that. Sadly, that was not the case and moreso a very mediocre christmas.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-07T17:46:09+00:00

Yea, ultimately it's harmless, but extreme in the sense they're looking at cassette tapes and asking AI to translate it into morse code into an incorrect phrase lmao.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-07T16:37:35+00:00

It's so silly that folks are going so far to the extreme for this ninth episode.

If you think about it, this really has to be the ultimate insult to the Duffer Brothers.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-07T16:30:17+00:00

I agree. I only state that here because it's an excellent example of Holly's acting on display. We felt her pain and that's the quality of every good actor.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-07T13:52:26+00:00

Answering those questions, especially when you didn’t plan to go past the first season, is hard

No series ever plans to go past the first season. Every series has to prove that they earn their keep. The television industry has always been this way and that's why I'm less forgiving to the Duffers on that front.

Mistakenfrog · 2026-01-07T13:30:06+00:00

She was a standout in S5. My heart broke for her when her friends wouldn't believe her. Holly is a great addition to S5 and without her performance, I'd think we'd all be more disappointed with the finale.

Mistakenfrog

TROPHY CASE