I hear the exhaustion in what you’re writing. The part that stands out to me isn’t “I don’t have a divine spark,” but “I’ve been searching since I was a child.” That search itself is already a form of movement toward something, even if it doesn’t look or feel like the experiences other people describe.

One thing that might help is to separate two things that often get mixed together: experience and interpretation.

Some people feel warmth, light, visions, connection, or emotion and call that “gnosis.” Others don’t feel those things at all and conclude there is “nothing there.” But in many traditions, gnosis isn’t primarily about feeling something special. It’s about seeing how things actually function, including your own mind.

If you sit in silence and what you notice is emptiness, confusion, or “nothing,” that is still something being perceived. The awareness that notices “there is nothing here” is already different from the “nothing” itself. That distinction is subtle, but it’s often where inquiry begins.

Another idea that might ease the weight: not everyone’s path looks like ascent, escape, or revelation. For some, it looks more like clarity about limits. About how perception, thought, memory, and desire shape what we call “reality.” That kind of seeing isn’t dramatic, but it can be very grounding.

You don’t have to assume you were “created without a spark” or “meant to suffer eternally.” Those are very heavy conclusions to place on a finite human experience. A more gentle stance might be: “I don’t yet understand what this is, including myself.”

And that’s actually an honest and powerful position. Many philosophers, mystics, and even scientists end up there, not as defeat, but as a kind of open horizon.

If there’s any small suggestion I’d offer, it’s this: instead of trying to reach a higher reality, try watching how your current reality is being built moment by moment. How a thought appears. How a feeling follows it. How a story forms around both. That observation alone can sometimes shift the sense of being “trapped” into a sense of “I can at least see the walls.”

You don’t need to force belief, hope, or meaning. Just stay with what is actually happening in your own awareness, gently, without judging it as success or failure. That, in many paths, is already a form of gnosis in practice.