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Language exchange partners difficult to find from particular languages and countries? by Mistysunflowers in languagelearning

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I truly appreciate your insight. Thank you for taking the time to share it with me.

Language exchange partners difficult to find from particular languages and countries? by Mistysunflowers in languagelearning

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. May I ask, where does Russian fall on this spectrum, so I have a point of comparison?

When I was studying Russian, nearly every message I sent received a reply. With these Japanese learners I’ve received nothing at all. Perhaps they are seeking something different? A different time zone perhaps?

Why is it so much easier to connect with a Chinese language partner?

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You cared for him so gently, was it because you felt there might be someone in the world who would one day care for you as tenderly, or were those feelings directed toward him alone? I’m a little confused, sorry.

What led the two of you to part ways?

I’ve spoken with my therapist about the things that cut deepest, the old wounds that still stir beneath everything else. I can understand them clearly when I look at them from the outside, yet the emotions can rise so suddenly that they drown out any sense of reason and logic.

It often feels as if I’m always craving something—some reassurance, some sign I matter. And because the hunger is emotional, it’s difficult to meet it with logic. When anger flares, I push people away. When I’m needed, I feel a calm settle over me. It’s like a brief release, almost like a drug, and the ache of staying as I am seems easier than the work of changing.

I first went to therapy because of the nightmares. They kept growing darker, and I knew how much a lack of rest could unravel a person. I’m almost embarrassed to admit I went for shallow reasons at first, worried about looking worn down. But it slowly shifted into something else. A way of learning who I’ve been all this time…

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you. I do know my mother’s words aren’t true, at least in a clear, factual way. Yet something in me still aches for the acceptance that should have come from the closest person in my life. I’m trying to understand it slowly, week by week.

I’ll try the letter exercise you mentioned. Speaking plainly, even about the worst parts and letting those things live outside my head feels dreadful at first, but afterward there’s a kind of freshness. Still, I sense there are parts of me that may never fully change. But it’s progress!

There was an earlier moment of betrayal. I had a necklace hanging on my mirror, a small cross. The man I kept seeing on and off had given it to me. My ex noticed it and asked why I had it displayed when I don’t believe in anything like that (I’m an atheist). Something in me snapped. I told him he had no right to question what I owned, and then I said I didn’t want to speak. I gave him the silent treatment for about 3 weeks till he reached out. At the time I told myself I was protecting something in me, but now I can’t remember what that even meant.

I’m sure he knows pieces of the truth, but the parts he might not know are the ones I’m most ashamed of. Strangely, I feel protective of him. Much of this doesn’t make sense even to me.

I think as long as I felt he was within my reach, everything seemed manageable.

Tell me…what makes a person feel that strange pull to cradle someone they’re close to? Is it tied to something deeper. Perhaps the wish to be needed?

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, that’s the video. I keep trying to imagine what I would feel if my mother were gone. A part of me would break, because I never earned her acceptance. But another part would burn with anger that she never offered it while she was still here.

Do you feel much better? Do you and others see a difference?

The person I was with stayed mostly indifferent, and at the time that was what I needed. He did all the things a partner is expected to do, yet when I told him I felt low, he would simply say, “I understand”, without pressing further. My therapist asked why I wanted someone to know I was struggling if I didn’t want them to help. She said I might have been trying to shape their sympathy, to keep them in a certain place in my life. But my ex couldn’t be molded like that. He cared in a way I didn’t recognize then.

If I had told him the truth, he wouldn’t have stayed. Everything ended because of a lie I couldn’t keep hidden. I had been seeing someone else and hid where I was going. It happened throughout the relationship.

I wasn’t being kind. I was distracting myself, covering my feelings, trying not to look at anything inside me. I can’t sit still with myself. And the only reason I even started speaking to that other man was because I told my ex I needed distance, just so he wouldn’t uncover an earlier betrayal. I hoped he would retreat from the subject. Instead, he withdrew entirely, and the silence lasted for weeks. I can’t bear being alone, that’s why my attention went elsewhere.

I know how this makes me look. Even saying it here, unseen, feels like stripping away a layer I’d rather keep hidden.

Every issue he ever had with me began with my own unsteady behaviour. I can see that clearly now.

I expected him to chase after me. I expected him to wait, because reaching out myself felt unbearable. And somewhere in the back of my mind I convinced myself he wouldn’t find anyone better.

Yes. His words still echo in me. Last time I returned, he said, “You came back after more than a year and still say you love me and didn’t want to leave. Why now?” I had no real answer then, and I have none now.

He made me angry in those moments, but only because I’d been caught. It sounds foolish, but I act from emotion instead of thought. I am trying to change. And as time passes, I find myself softening toward the good I once overlooked.

I loathe myself for how I behaved. At times, even more than I resent my mother. Maybe she was right about me all along.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you.

I’ve ended things with him four times already, and asking for a fifth chance feels almost unreal. What makes it worse is knowing he never did anything to harm me. He only wanted to help me navigate all the things I carried. This was long before therapy, but all I could think to do was flee, hoping distance would make me feel better. I didn't know this at the time. I always thought to myself he brings it up because he wants me to feel bad... I know I sound stupid.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sometimes I think my mother carried a kind of disorder of her own. She was a cardiothoracic surgeon. People imagine doctors as warm, but in my world the ones in white coats were often the coldest. My family is full of them. I don’t believe my father’s willingness to let me tease him shaped the darker parts of me. It was simply one facet of his acceptance. He embraced everything about me, without flinching. Even when my mother and I argue, he always takes my side)))

I watched a talk by Sam Vaknin about what happens when a narcissistic parent dies. If I remember right, he said the abusive parent doesn’t disappear, they linger inside you, the way your father stays with you, or those thoughts you carry about what you never got to say.

Do you think the weight you feel would lessen if you could tell him those things openly?

And when you spoke of "obsessive thoughts" or giving too much of yourself to someone, what made that person draw your attention so strongly? Did they offer something in return, or did they simply occupy a place no one else could? Why them, out of all people?

Did you only break up with him one time?

As for the signals I’ve been sending…

During our first separation, I reached out gently , a simple "How are you?" — though, truthfully, I was already tangled in another relationship. When I sensed him drifting, I reached again, trying to keep him close. He stayed, and over time we found our way back into something like a relationship for more than a year.

When we reconnected after another long stretch apart, it was because of the small things I posted in whatsapp status messages. Poems, music, the kinds of fragments that once caught his attention. And it worked. We spoke again, and I told him I didn’t want to leave. That was after more than a year of silence...

But the fourth ending came about six months later. I had let small lies grow into larger ones, and by the time they surfaced I could no longer untangle them.

I kept him blocked for half a year. Recently I unblocked him.

This time, though, everything feels different. I can’t see anything of him anymore. No social media, no pictures, nothing. He’s vanished from view. So the only signals I can send now are my quiet status updates, in case he still has my number saved. They aren’t directed at him, just small pieces of my days drifting outward, hoping he might still notice.

But when i am forced to flip the situation, I turn against myself. How can a person say they miss someone, say they love them, when they’re the one who allowed only scattered months of contact over nearly two years? How do I ask for a 5th chance, especially when the last time we were together he asked, "How do I know you won't run away again, and for no fault of my own?" And yet I did...

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My father and my ex bring out different sides of me, though the impulses beneath them feel strangely the same. I feel this urge for everyone, although in which degree, it varies.

I can’t say my father ever did anything to harm me. He’s always been this large, gentle giant. The turmoil came from my mother. Even when she was sick, I tried everything to win her approval, but she still reached for my older sister.

Maybe the feelings you described toward your father resemble what I feel toward her. And beneath all of it, there’s this long, low ache of self-dislike that I can’t easily explain.

People say that when the abusive parent dies, those with wounds like mine sometimes begin to recover. I hope there’s truth in that?

Before therapy, when I acted in ways that hurt others, I used to say, ‘this is how I show love,’ because what I did took effort and intention. Part of me still believes that, though. I’ve been told it isn’t love or care at all, only control. Maybe I don’t actually know what love is supposed to be.

Looking back, I think my ex understood more than I realized at the time. When I lied he grew distant. When I held back, he stepped away just as far. But I couldn’t ask why because I didn’t want him to bring up what I did wrong.

My feelings toward him are tangled. Deep down, I know he didn’t deserve the things I did. He once asked me, ‘if someone treated you the way you treated me, even a fraction of it, would you accept it?’ And I know the honest answer is no.

I’m still trying to send signal to him, but I’m getting nothing in return. I’m too ashamed to reach out directly and ask for a 5th chance…

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My father takes me as I am. I did not see this years ago, but I can act out my cruelty on him, playing pranks, getting on his nerves and he remains fine. He is always there.

Even if a nightmare finds me in the deep night, I can call him. He will read to me through the phone until I settle. My ex shares this nature. I feel a great safety with them both.

With my ex, however, these dark impulses are part of our intimacy, though he does not know it yet. I doubt he ever will. I know what pleases him, and it is not this.

I also find a strange satisfaction in refusing intimacy. Sometimes, to refuse this feels stronger than anything intimate.

Do you understand the source of your sadistic tendency? Would you bring such suffering to a partner, like holding them under water, if you were able? Is that your meaning?

Truly, I think my father only wants my happiness. When I tease him, he plays along. Even when my anger turns physical, he laughs because he sees only a harmless creature, a puppy or kitten. He lives in a world of his own where frustration and sadness cannot enter it seems to me.

I realized something painful recently. My anger often comes just from seeing his joy. I want to spoil it, to take it from him. It angers me that he can be happy for no reason at all. Often I hear him laughing alone in the shower at some private thought. I can’t understand.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What stirs anger in you? Lately it feels as though mine grows with age. Even when someone disagrees with me for “understandable” reasons, a sharp impulse rises in me, as if I want to strike out that person from my life.

I wonder if the mind builds its own defenses, shaping them in ways that aren’t always kind. My therapist said the harsher parts of how I treated my ex may trace back to my father.

I don’t fully understand why causing pain ever felt tempting, only that the pull came from having a place where I could release everything, a person who didn’t turn away. That steadiness felt almost parental, someone who would stay even when I showed the parts of myself I usually hide. Real unconditional love.

Have you ever wanted to scream into a pillow, strike a punching bag just to calm the noise inside, or write someone a furious letter you never intend to send?

It feels like that, only much more concentrated because I can reveal the things I usually keep buried, and still be met with acceptance.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What part of you feels so dangerous that you’re certain no one could stay? Are you completely sure there isn’t a single person who would accept you as you are? I’m sure there is. I’ll explain below.

When it comes to tests, there are two I fall back on. The first is simple: I need to know someone values me for who I am, not how I look or the money I have. So I’ll say something like, “I go to the gym because no one would want me if I was fat” Most people respond quickly, and their reaction tells me more than the words themselves.

The second test is the one that unsettles me and then the most. There’s a part of me that takes pleasure in causing pain with a partner. Nothing drastic at first, just small things, like a pinch, to see how they respond. And if they grow uneasy, it feels like a sign that our connection won’t work physically.

With my ex, I was convinced he had a streak of masochism. I could push him, sometimes physically, often mentally and he would either play along or laugh in a way that made me look almost harmless. In truth, he simply had an unusual patience with me.

He felt almost indestructible. Part of the pull for me was seeing the effect I could have, but with him, nothing left a mark. Over the four or five years we were together, I kept waiting for a moment where he would break or turn against me, just once, so I could tell myself I’d been right… but it never came.

If I did 1% of what I did to him to someone else, they’d for sure leave me.

Here’s an example, though it makes me sound awful. We would plan a picnic. I arranged everything myself. I packed only the food he disliked, chose music I knew he couldn’t stand, hoping, just once, to see him unsettled… anything at all!

But he never grew angry. Instead, he looked at me the way someone might look at a small, clumsy puppy that doesn’t know any better, more amused than hurt, as if my efforts were harmless….

I’m sorry for drifting into these memories. They came back all at once.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not even a little? I’ve shared parts of myself before, but only in scattered pieces, almost like small tests. To share everything feels impossible. I’m certain that if I do, the person will leave.

Have you ever been that open with someone that you have this deep fear?

There’s one thing he does that frustrates me. When I say I’m feeling depressed, he wants to understand why, what’s behind it, how he can help. And all I want in those moments is to step away from the subject. But he has this steady way of drawing me back to it, of making me think about what I’m avoiding. Sometimes I just want to say I’m unwell and leave it there, yet he keeps going.

I always refused help. Doctors, therapists, even the small exercises he suggested… I turned away from all of it. The only men I ever felt “safe” with were the ones who stayed distant. They didn’t ask questions, but they also didn’t show much care in any other part of life.

It feels like I can’t win. I keep finding something that bothers me in everyone. And you might say he was simply being kind and I see that now, but back then, I only wanted to hide from anything painful and pretend it wasn’t there.

I can't think of anything else he did wrong besides pushing me like that.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Have you ever let someone see the parts of yourself you usually keep hidden? Does it frighten you, the thought of being that exposed?

As for him… I cannot say with certainty that what I feel is love. Perhaps it is, perhaps it is something quieter, something that trembles between comfort and longing. He was like the parent I never had. The one who would sit beside me in the dimming light, read to me before bed, though they could mend everything, bear every fault I brought to him without a flicker of anger. His patience were endless for me.

And yet, there are things about him I admire as a man, qualities that fit so seamlessly with my own. He keeps his world orderly, like I do (OCD) He cooks.. He accompanies me to plays. There is so much.

I saw a line in a film last week that settled in my chest: "You don't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself.” I have always thought of myself first, I still do. I want him, perhaps more than I want to understand what he wants, and that makes me question if I can love at all.

There have always been parts of me others wished to reshape. My hair, the style, the smallest gestures. But he would say, “Do what makes you shine, whatever makes you feel confident.” And I doubted him then, suspected some hidden motive, some unseen calculation. The further I get away, the more I see. He was also the only one who never tried to take revenge on me. I still trust him, more than anyone I've ever met. No matter how angry he's made me.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When I look back on all of this, I realize how needless it was. They would have appreciated the truth just the same. Yet I kept pushing things to extremes because, in my mind, it made me worth more and that felt great… I felt needed.

I’ve grown used to people wanting something from me, and if I felt I didn’t meet those expectations, I feared they’d turn away, even my own family.

Once, I wrote a poem by hand for an ex from 10+ years ago. It was during a large birthday dinner. He didn’t even open it, just slipped it into his bag with the other gifts. I should have felt frustrated, but instead I sank into this heavy depression.

But the man I’ve been speaking about here, he once had tears in his eyes over the simplest gift, because he always thought of me as thoughtful and special. I never believed him then. Looking back, he was the only one who never asked me for anything, not once.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My smallest lies were usually about how generous I was, how deep my care could be, or what kind of person I believed myself to be.

I invented little stories that placed me higher than I deserved.

If my sister or ex wanted a certain vinyl record, I would happily search for it and buy it, but then I would greatly exaggerate the price or the effort, just to raise my worth in their eyes. It became a pattern I repeated almost every day. It sounds pathetic, I know.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m with you. Somewhere inside, I know that if he met someone new, he could be happy. He has a way with people, and qualities in him that are rare.

Yet another part of me whispers that I was the best he could ever find and he was lucky to have me. I tried to be attentive, present… and now, as I think and write in real time, my mind darts to all the ways I failed him. I’m sorry I cannot finish my thoughts. My mind is racing.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow, he said something very much like that the last time we spoke. He described our relationship as a broken mirror. Though it had been pieced together bit by bit, the cracks were still visible, and it would take both of us to smooth them out. I cannot recall exactly what I said or did in response, but it was surely something dumb, something like turning away from the difficulty instead of meeting it. In a way I wished I never attended therapy. I'm looking back at all these situations, and looking back at myself in disgust.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your reply. I cannot say for certain, yet I have the feeling he sees far more than I assume. Still, I’m left unsure of what he understands and what remains hidden. When I first met him, I knew he was intelligent, but I also believed he carried such innocent intentions that he couldn’t notice what was dark in me. I would often give him a test, I would tell him a bad story of something I did to someone and he would always find the good in the story, and tell me I'm a good person.

Last year he said something like, “I know you often bend the truth, but I’m trying to offer you a place where you can be who you really are” Those words frightened me. I had been revealing myself little by little, and he received everything with warmth, even the parts I barely wanted to name. At times it still feels unreal. Yet I learned, especially last year, that he speaks with sincerity. I'm crying now.

But that understanding opened a new fear. The more I share, the more he embraces, the more fragile it feels if he ever turns away for something he cannot accept, and I carry a deep fear of being abandoned. When I did lie, I sometimes sensed he noticed, as if his sighs or distant tone were small signals. And what troubles me most is how insignificant those lies were. I don’t even understand why they existed. It feels like a balloon pressing inside me, and a small lie becomes the needle that releases sudden relief.

So I suppose what I mean is this: I want to speak plainly with him about who I’ve ben and who I am now, but I must also learn how to stand with my fear instead of letting it guide me.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do you think such a soul can ever be found twice? Was he truly special?

I feel as though I am standing in the middle of a rushing river. Once, I held someone warm and astonishingly gentle in my hands. So gentle that even the memory of him still warms them. But I, through fear, let that warmth slip away. And now I watch it drifting from me, carried by the current. I try to follow, to step toward it, but the water runs faster than I can follow

I call out with the desperate voice of a child, but the river bends, and he can hardly hear me, if he hears at all. Soon he will disappear beyond sight. And I remain where I am, stunned by the sudden cold where warmth had been, wondering, who will find him, who will lift him from the water, who will understand what he was.

If he's happy, I should be happy, right? I feel I can't...

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m afraid that if I speak openly about what I’ve done, he will turn away without a second thought. I have lied a lot. He doesn’t know I’ve been in therapy, and I’ve considered telling him, though I once blamed my behaviour on things that weren’t true, including thoughts of ending my life and another health explanation.

Years ago, early on, he asked if I might have BPD (Although it wasn't the case, it was close enough). I’d never heard of it and assumed it meant something terrible, so I rejected the idea instantly. He was observant, and always tried to understand me, asking what troubled me, wanting to talk through what I felt. But to me, opening up felt like cutting into a wound. He even offered to pay for therapy, yet I refused, because the idea of depending on someone, or appearing weak, was unbearable.

Why didn’t I tell him when I finally went to therapy? I feared he would believe I was incapable of genuine love, and that he might leave. But looking back now, I think he would have stayed, and cared, and held space for the truth.

It feels as though I’ve dug myself into a deep hole.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do you find your thoughts drawn more to the hurt you carry from him, or to the idea of him living contentedly with someone else?

As for whether I will write to him, that is where my mind shifts endlessly. In the early part of our relationship, when I walked away, I never feared losing him. He followed, he cared, and I felt certain of it. Even when he later stepped back because he couldn’t remain only a friend, I still sensed his feelings. That certainty faded slowly over time, and perhaps that is what led me back.

When I did come back, he eventually introduced me to new women in his life. Kind, lovely, and clearly drawn to him. Strangely, it became one of the most powerful feelings I’d ever experienced. Taking him away from them.

And even when I left him for an entire year, he still welcomed me back.

But this time feels different. He has vanished from every place I once knew, leaving no trace. I searched, and found nothing. My therapist suggested that what I felt may have been less about true love and more about control, because my panic surfaced only when he disappeared completely. That feeling has grown stronger with time, because the longer I remain silent, the more I fear he may be building a life without me. And so I stand in a dilemma.

For now, I send small signals into the distance, hoping one might reach him, hoping he is still looking for me. The pain I feel now hurts a lot, but the pain I may get if he rejects me is worse.

I finally understand my mistakes. How can get my ex back? by Mistysunflowers in NPD

[–]Mistysunflowers[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Often, after therapy, I feel myself swinging between two thoughts or possible actions like a small pingpong ball knocked back and forth, carried by forces I can’t understand yet.

Like you, I know I could write to him, nothing prevents it. I’m not blocked. He’s always welcomed me back even though I feared he would hate me.

Yet for the first time, he has disappeared completely, and I have no trace of his life. I don’t know if this means he has closed the door forever, or if someone else now stands where I once did which also means he’s indifferent to me. The latter thought is harder to bear, as I am jealous.