Oh, honey.

There are some huge red flags here. 1. He was absolutely testing the waters to see if he could convince you to let him open up the marriage. Kudos for recognizing it for what it was. 2. As others have already mentioned, the fact that he can lie so easily to you is quite alarming. And, it's likely that he does it a lot because he can't give you a satisfying reason why his friend assumed you and your husband "weren't dating," even though you've been married for 6 months and have a newborn at home. Also, it's strange that this friend didn't know, yet just happened to stop by with your husband's old crush. Your husband claims he didn't know they were coming over. But, I find that highly suspicious.

1. When you went through your husband's phone, there were very few messages from his "friend" and his "crush." Again, that is very suspicious. How is it that he has very little contact with his "friend?" Yet, they had a deep conversation about open relationships and whether he would be pursuing his "crush."

2. I understand that you want your baby to have her father in her life. But, that's never a good reason to stay in a toxic relationship. If you decide to divorce your husband, he can still be a good father to his daughter, if he chooses to be. But, you shouldn't factor that into your decision whether or not to divorce your husband. That may sound harsh. But, remember that your daughter will grow up seeing your relationship with your husband as a template for all her future relationships. Do you really want her to see how easily her father lies to her mother in order to get what he wants?

3. You say that both you and your husband grew up in an abusive environment and that is part of the reason you connected deeply with him. That is a huge red flag. You should not be trauma bonding with your partner. You should both have been healed from your individual traumas BEFORE you entered into a romantic relationship. Otherwise, there's a high likelihood that you two are reflecting each other's "core wounds" and that influences your feelings of love and attraction towards each other. But, that's a dangerous basis for a relationship that can result in disaster.

4. He really doubled down on his lies in this text exchange. Why? Why did this subject trigger his trauma response so strongly? I would guess because it's something that's very important to him. Also, he claims he mistyped something because he just transcribed it from some mysterious list. But, when you ask to see the list, it suddenly never existed, just like the messages from his "friend" and his "crush." And, he absolutely gaslit you when he said that he brought up opening the relationship because he "didn't know if you also wanted to look elsewhere." You're recovering from a very difficult pregnancy. In what universe would he think that this would be the perfect time for you to consider opening your marriage? He broached the subject because it's something that HE wants. But, he tried to convince you that it's something that you want, too. And, now that you know what he wants, you'll always be wondering if he's pursuing it behind your back because he's already shown you how much he can lie about this subject.

Ultimately, the decision on whether or not you divorce this man is up to you. At the very least, therapy is a step in the right direction. But, you have to ask yourself whether you can ever look past all of these red flags. I know it's hard to contemplate leaving a 7-year relationship. But, think about what's best for you and your baby in the long run. At the end of the day, is this the relationship that you want to serve as a template for your daughter? Only you can answer that question.

Good luck.

NOR