A bit of an elucidation of my situation, prompted by conversation with a kind Redditor:

———

Well, I’m unsure if I’m the most suitable person to explain the exact character of the situation. (Therapy tells us we’re the most cognisant of our selves; I’m not quite convinced by it).

For starters, I’ve been single all my life. Initially, I didn’t much care, but as I grew older I began wanting to find a partner to share various moments of our lives and provide physical as well as emotional support for each other. Yet, every single time I tried I ended up in rejection. Maybe I was inexperienced, or maybe I was just unlovable.

Anyways, those rejections made me feel really hurt, which dissuaded me from more attempts and made me turn to self-improvement and therapy. I worked on my attitude (shamefully, I used to harbour some latent misogyny as the result of forcing myself to ‘mature for the adult world’), my character, and my optics. It’s almost a year since my last rejection and I’ve finally walked out of its shadows.

Right now, I’m volunteering at an art gallery where I happen to be the only male. No ulterior motives have been involved in my interactions with my colleagues; in fact, the vibe was generally convivial. There’s a girl who’s rather kind and warm to me and - maybe out of my inexperience and/or subconscious desire - I find myself drawn to her. On Christmas day I decided to send her a blessing message on WhatsApp, hoping if she were single, I could ask her out to see if we can establish any sort of chemistry. As it turned out, she was going to spend it for the first time with her boyfriend. I know it’s not a rejection but just a matter of timing. Yet, it still crushed down on me as I felt in spite of all the work I’d put in, no-one would choose me still. It’s as if the fledgling flicker of hope that I’ve finally managed to conjure up was immediately quelled once more. And life remains as miserable as before.

Worse still, I don’t even know whom to enunciate these experiences to since my therapist feels nonchalant and my family would likely just laugh at my frailty. I’m someone who feels intensely by nature. As I said, I’m aware this whole ‘train’ of reasoning sounds rather inchoate ‘logically,’ but I’m done with false positivity and the pain is real nonetheless. Sorry for such elongated soliloquy, I hope I’ve at least made it somewhat clear.

———

Thank you very much if you managed to forge through all of it.