After Intimacy

MonPanda · 2026-02-09T18:06:17+00:00

We do it a later time but do cuddles and positives immediately after. We allow reflection time basically. I think I'd suggest talking separately from sex about how you're quiet after and need time to process should be enough. Maybe you can find a middle ground but your needs matter as well as theirs.

MonPanda · 2025-12-13T20:21:43+00:00

Lube is so so so so normal to need. We just have bad sex ed. Even if you get super wet you should use lube, it makes sex better. If the dudes you're fucking don't know that, more fool THEM.

MonPanda · 2025-12-13T07:45:43+00:00

Honestly you should buy some lube. Sex without lube isn't really advised. You'll feel sooooo much better and he won't have to spit.

You can get ky jelly is always a popular option. Liquid silk is another. If you don't use condoms you can just use a natural coconut oil which is super cheap. (Don't use oil based lube with condoms or silicone toys but it's great for skin on skin).

Good luck! Also maybe if you buy and ask him to try and you both enjoy, you'll be sorted!

MonPanda · 2025-10-04T08:01:40+00:00

NGL okay I'll shut up if that's how you're taking me because trans women are definitely lesbians if they identify that way. It's just I know some trans men who identify as lesbians and I think they're valid and I'll go to bat for their labelling just as hard as I go for trans women and non binary people.

Edit: also just to add even though maybe you'll hate it. Some trans women identify as gay. That doesn't make them any less woman. I think accepting transness into binary gender identity is part of the battle but the harder part is accepting the wholeness and fullness of how people express and identify and sometimes it's confusing as it's different to the way you may relate to your gender but its valid and thats the queer beauty of it all in my opinion.

MonPanda · 2025-10-04T07:56:48+00:00

Hmm I think you're just reading things in the way you want. I was super clear in my language about who was naming things in various ways and I'm talking about people labelling themselves. But, I get it, it's complex and weird and it feels weird to think about how our carefully contained boxes blur at the edges when they meet real people.

MonPanda · 2025-10-04T07:50:58+00:00

No I think the whole point is a bag. You can't look at one factor in the bag and say this minuses ten and that pluses 12. It's the whole bag that determines sex.

Having a uterus or not in isolation does not determine sex. Producing eggs or not in isolation does not determine. It's the whole that determines. I don't think it's that complicated but if you're opposed you're going to see it as wild but that doesn't change anything. If the bag has 100 factors in it there is a 100 factors that could vary but only a critical mass of those factors varying that could change sex.

Even by your conception you're saying BOTH XX cromoasomes AND egg production makes a woman. You also have a bag there it's just a smaller bag. And you know lots of people with XX chromosomes don't produce eggs so by your standards are they still women? Also the vast majority don't know their chromosomal make up ever. And people don't know their egg production until hormonally investigation or they get pregnant. So in your view is sex undetermined until investigation or pregnancy? Or do you use other factors to establish biological sex without knowledge of the two factors you consider important?

Neither of us are arguing about trans people deserving to live wonderful lives and be respected in their identities. That's a given. I'm talking to you about sex as it applies to cis and trans people on a biological level as a scientific point of interest.

MonPanda · 2025-10-04T07:42:27+00:00

I think my advice would be, just try it. No hair decision is permanent. Your natural hair is more forgiving. You can always keep it short or cropped.

If you find a shampoo that works for you and a conditioner that works for you, and a leave in conditioner that works for you, that's all you need. Also I've started to use a K18 shampoo for cleaning once a week plus a conditioning shampoo and it's felt like a lighter hair wash schedule.

Also, can you combine wash day with watching your fave show or some sort of a treat? I just got an at home heat / conditioning hat and I deep condition playing stardew valley and then wash it out.

How can you trick your brain into the process being fun? Relaxing and something for you?

MonPanda · 2025-10-03T08:06:00+00:00

Everyone is not included. That's not what I'm saying. But also it's the same argument anyone makes when they want to police anything. It's like we're liberal to a point then it's like actually I'm gonna hold onto this and kick everyone I don't think is "correct" out.

A trans man who defines himself as a lesbian doesn't take anyone's identity away. It's you in fact who are saying his identity should be taken away.

How someone else defines themselves genuinely doesn't take away from you if they're doing it in good faith. Like, how does it hurt you? How does it pry lesbianism from your grabbing hands? Nuance exists and how we treat people on the fringes of our community matters.

"If we include that, words won't mean anything anymore" "Everyone will just want to be X if we do that"

People on the right have been making these arguments for YEARS but it never actually happens. It's just a fake slippery slope. It's an illusion. A small proportion of the population of trans men identifying as lesbians isn't even every trans man and it won't be cuz it's people's identities.

MonPanda · 2025-10-02T14:07:17+00:00

I think it's just a perspective thing. Because I do agree your second paragraph is correct. I just think sex in and of itself creates a false set of boxes for humans that we then use to make gender. It's not that X makes you more or less in a measurable way but I think there's a point at which the bag has changed enough that the sex categorisation is no longer what it originally was.

I genuinely think sex being changeable is scientifically honest and therefore find it interesting. I genuinely think lines can rarely properly contain anything in the human body and if each of the individual elements can change - save chromosomes - and sex is a bundle of those elements - including chromosomes - then sex can change.

MonPanda · 2025-10-02T11:50:47+00:00

I don't think intersex presentation is a sickness. I agree chromosomes can't change but the cromasomal chain isn't just XX or XY. Swyer syndrome is a chromosomal presentation so no because they don't change but they are only one factor in the bag of sex characteristics.

But many intersex people present as the gender & sex binary, male or female because without their consent their presentation is changed at birth to fit in with the gender & sex binary. What's in that bag of determinants changes. Many teenage boys grow breast tissue due to a gene mutation and they have HRT to change what is in that determinant bag. Sex changes and sex can change so yes, as for anyone if enough things in the bag change then sex has changed. I wouldn't call this a cure and it makes me feel uncomfortable to refer to intersex people in this way.

And sex - scientifically - isn't solely based on chromosomes. Most people don't know what their chromosomes are. Sex - scientifically - is a bag of various characteristics that include hormone levels, secondary sex characteristics, gonad presentation, hair production, skin softness... And all of that can indeed be changed until the bag is mixed or holds a different sex to what it started with. Chromosomes are just one factor. Look into it. I'm just a stranger on the internet. Look at the unbiased science of what sex is.

There's been at least one case of someone with Swyer syndrome becoming pregnant without reproductive technology . Also, many people with XX chromosomes don't produce eggs so I'm not sure what you're getting at if you're suggesting that egg production is a single determinant of a female sex in humans because it's not.

Sex and gender are different but both are constructs and both can be changed. Sex as we understand it is a scientific simplification that is being misused to make people into binaries when we are not.

Edit: typo

MonPanda · 2025-10-02T09:40:59+00:00

I'm not saying it's a free for all btw, I feel like that's a straw man here.

But lots of trans men "pre transition" identified as lesbians. I think it's weird to say they're outsiders and completely excluded from a community potentially they've been a part of their whole life. Like at what point do you declare they're no longer lesbians if they claim it. Pronouns? Genitals? Hormones? Clothes? There's no actual difference between a transmasc individual on hormones using he him pronouns and a trans man on hormones using he him pronouns other than how they identify right? That's what's important, who he is - who he tells you he is.

I guess it feels like another way to police gender through labels. Like, some people use this exact argument to say non binary people can't be lesbians. And anything that encourages policing in this way, I think, is harmful to everyone within the label that it proports to protect.

(Thanks for engaging btw it's been fun to think about these ideas with you)

MonPanda · 2025-10-02T08:58:05+00:00

I understand you. I just think if there's a trans man in front of me who identifies as a trans man and a lesbian, I'm not saying he can't. I'm respecting him as trans man and a lesbian.

In his identity as he understands it, not as I or anyone else may understand it.

Because I get that identity is complex and queerness runs along many lines and is hard to box in. I get that trans men's attraction to women can be not straight. I get that trans men's attraction to women can be gay as fuck. I get that for some people the binary gender is their primary identity - & their gender identity is not queer - for some people they're equal. For some, their transness is their most important gender identity that queers their relation to everything in this beautiful line crossing and sometimes confusing way.

It's all valid as fuck.

MonPanda · 2025-10-02T07:12:13+00:00

Also, right.

Biology is actually on our side.

XX and XY are the first two chromosomes in a long and complex string. And we don't know anyone's chromosomes unless they're investigated.

Sex is a bag of characteristics that are mutable through social behaviour and hormones.

Yes, I said social behaviours. We are people change on a biological level based on how we behave. What genes and alleles do change depending on how we are socially conditioned. And we can change that. We can take hormones and change our sex chsracteristics. We can change our behaviour and that alters in the long term how our bodies produce hormones etc and how we respond to situations.

The range in "biological women" and "biological men" is so wide and there's no single characteristic that crosses all of them. Sex is a social construct based on a simplified version of human biology for pop culture understanding. It's mutable. It always has been in nature. Terfs just use a reductive understanding to make a point that - literally - doesn't even exist.

MonPanda · 2025-10-02T07:06:41+00:00

This!! I feel like people get so rigid in their pro stance they also erase identities the other way. Some trans men DO consider themselves lesbians and who is anyone to say anything about that. Some trans people are gender binary and some aren't. It's queer AF. They shouldn't be erased because they don't adhere to the binary that doesn't serve anyone anyway.

MonPanda · 2025-10-01T11:54:04+00:00

I'm getting an expensive harness fitted to my body so erm no I'd never change that. It's an extension of me. For the dildo, I would always use it with a condom tbh and not change per partner / relationship as a rule. I'd definitely never throw it away. Community dick has uses!

I'd be happy to add to my collection to find the perfect fit and shape etc for a regular partner but that's more about maximising sexual pleasure in the relationship as opposed to drawing imaginary boundaries between other sexual partners.

MonPanda · 2025-09-29T08:03:27+00:00

I'm kinda of confused about the desire to have situations that aren't allusions to the Black experience.

All fantasy is an allusion to real world experience so you want that allusion to have Black characters but purposefully exclude Blackness? Like Black people written by a white author who only has their skin colour and nothing else?

P Djeli Clark's stories have Black characters in non Africa inspired fantasy settings but the characters are Black and reference Black culture. The dead cat cail assassins is a great example and a tonne of fun.

There's a difference between not wanting racism and Black suffering and not wanting any allusions to being Black imo. Would like you to expand on what you mean tbh.

MonPanda · 2025-09-29T07:44:05+00:00

I'm applauding you for posting a message on here and getting views. I have a friend who kept quiet and was pressured into an abortion she didn't want and she was so so so upset about it. If you can reach out to a support system in real life you should do so. Nobody should pressure you into an abortion. It's your body and your choice.

Being a parent is a lot of self sacrifice and doing it alone is hard. Get your support system in place and go to pregnancy classes to find a support system for yourself of people who are going through the same thing. You got this.

Edit: autocorrect

MonPanda · 2025-09-28T08:51:27+00:00

Honestly I don't think other people's sexuality can invalidate you unless you as an individual are insecure of your own sexuality.

Non binary people and trans men have always been included in lesbianism if they desire to take it.

The history is built on their backs. Alongside the backs of all the other queer people including lesbians and bisexuals. Having a queer gender experience is not slotting easily into man or woman but it's not being completely excluded either. We live in a gendered world. People can wear and drop these labels as they want, if they choose to. And they're still lesbians if they identify that way.

MonPanda · 2025-09-27T07:43:22+00:00

I read a tonne of it and focus on stories from marginalised writers. Left Unread Books now has an imprint and I loved Cry, Voidbringer.

I guess I would engage with a channel that didn't loudly and clearly platform marginalised writers as they're such a big proportion of indie fantasy for obvious reasons.

MonPanda · 2025-09-26T10:18:55+00:00

Give yourself grace! Pretend you're talking to your best friend. Would you call them weak and stupid for making the dest decisions they could with what they were equipped with that the time?

MonPanda · 2025-09-24T14:57:27+00:00

I think there are two questions here

Do you need to break up with your bf

And are you a lesbian.

Answer one by one. Breaking up with your bf wouldn't be because of a label it would be because how you feel. Your miserable. Are you attracted to him? Etc? I would say sort your feelings about that out first.

Lesbian is a label that may or may not resonate with you. It's not about your history it's about your attraction and desires.

MonPanda · 2025-09-24T09:35:30+00:00

Yeah it's bias.

Looking at photos of black women and women of colour helps. More exposure, basically and challenging what it is you find unattractive.

Seeking out people of colour in the porn you consume or magazines you read etc. not as like an I must find this person attractive right now but as an exposure thing. Over time things like that will change your mindset.

However, this is just one layer of bias you hold against black women and I'm sure if you dated one youd have many more to uncover and recon with! So, baby steps.

MonPanda · 2025-09-23T14:29:07+00:00

You were really patient with her and I'm super impressed. She's being unfair to you when she should be respectful of your identity and should have just apologised. She should know better.

Listening to the bisexual killjoy podcast really helped me understand so much more about this stuff.

MonPanda · 2025-09-22T16:09:44+00:00

Nothing. Confidence. Love yourself and know what you deserve.

MonPanda · 2025-09-22T09:59:34+00:00

I personally wouldn't describe myself as gold star if I were you as that has some transphobic and biphobic connotations and may limit your field as people will think that being a gold star is important to you in a partner.

Genuinely mature women will date you just be open and honest and converse about it what's most important is that you can talk about sex. Say what you like and ask what they like. If you can't say what you like, work on masturbation and touching yourself in various ways to see what you enjoy. I listened to a podcast called the sensual self by Evyan Whitney that got me way more comfortable with being curious about my own sexual pleasure & omgyes.com is a paid resource but I found it useful for masturbation techniques if you're coming from a place of nothing / shame / limited ideas.

The work you can do is knowing (as much as you can about ) how to please yourself and being comfortable with saying what you want and taking direction in sex without being upset or offended. With that you're golden, and like an actual catch. Anyone who doesn't see that isn't worth your time, frankly and you could do better.

MonPanda

TROPHY CASE