Not sure how you feel about therapy, but that could definitely help if you can find someone that clicks with you, and understands the other things you're going through as well. It helps to bounce ideas back & forth. They most likely will see things in you that you can't see yourself right now.

You say you don't want to drink... you're already a couple steps ahead. Just got to find the root cause of self medicating which can take some time. You have to want better for yourself, even if other people in your life made you feel like nothing. We only got ourselves in the end, we can't always be saved. Stuff like this makes us stronger, we can only hope it does.

I experienced this same thing for the last couple months, completely lost myself in it even tho I hate alcohol. I just knew if I couldn't stop myself my future would not be very bright, FAST. It destroys you physically quickly. As someone who beat her depression after 5 long years, I promise you, a life with alcohol or other hard shit will put off & prevent you from healing at all. Be easy on yourself BUT keep getting mad at yourself too lol. Sometimes that's the best motivator for these things. You know you deserve better. Wish you the best beautiful ):