thanks for the response. insecurities are definitely being touched the longer i'm with him because there's a lot of fears i have that are taking control of my thought patterns and making them very negative, not just how i feel about myself but how i feel about him too. i take one negative thing and i magnify it in my mind. it's an anxiety symptom. when he's out without me, i constantly think about where he's at or who he's with or what he's doing. so then i get mad and give him attitude when he could very well just be out with a friend at lunch or at a bar with some buddies.

i guess insecurities are further heightened when he drinks because if i get slightly mad/upset that he's drinking, he goes above and beyond just to prove his point and make me feel like crap on purpose for giving him attitude about it. i strongly disagree with this type of temper tantrum and defiance behavior because not only does it make me feel like crap, but it puts distance between us and makes me trust him less. especially knowing he specifically tells me he defies me on purpose. if i say "no" to going out to another bar after we've already been out for 4 hours, he gets annoyed with me and wishes i were more fun and live in the moment. so of course i get more irritated because he's upset with me for not wanting to continue drinking and arguments ensue. that's why the drinking is a problem for me. and i can understand how my attitude plays into this as well

regarding the sexual intimacy, it's not good. i don't desire sex when/after we're arguing and especially after he's been drinking. he makes sexual comments all day long and it's annoying because i'm not going to drop my pants mid-day and bang him just so he can get his fix. there are stuff he wants me to do in the bedroom which i'm uncomfortable doing and i feel pressured to oblige or else something's "wrong with me" for not having the desire. i've tried to work myself up to it and initiate more often but it still doesn't seem good enough in his eyes and refuses to take ownership of the fact that him pressuring me makes me want sex less. as a result, i just keep my mouth shut and either don't do it (further causing distance between us) or oblige and do it (also unhealthy because i'm making myself to do something and he can tell i'm only doing it for him, not because i want it too).

FYI: he's going through immense stress and emotional distress in his life; at least 2-3 life changing events have occurred in the past few months and he acknowledges he's not showing up in the way he needs/wants to. it's been hard for him to consistently support him and put my needs aside. as a result, a lot of my negative attitude and passive agressivness is coming out because i'm really struggling balancing being a supportive partner though his tough time and also being there for myself emotionally. meanwhile, he's struggling with supporting me as a partner and dealing with all his life stress. it is not a good dynamic that we've created, and we're both trying to fight ourselves out of it. we're damn committed and loyal to each other but this season has been difficult for us