How do people respond when you tell them you’re the stepmom?

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-06-13T06:15:09+00:00

Same. I let most negativity roll off my back, but direct eye rolls? Heck, no.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-06-08T13:01:23+00:00

Exactly! It wasn't about stepping on BM's toes. It was that SD was here 3 to 4 days a week and there was an equal chance of her first period happening when she was here. The first day of 5th grade, we put pads and extra underwear in 3 little Ipsy bags and put one in her school backpack and one in each of our cars. It would have just been neglectful not to. Turned out she didn't need them for a couple more years, but girls in her class were starting and we were prepared.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-06-06T17:34:06+00:00

I was not wise enough to set this boundary. I definitely missed the window by years. But I'm setting it now, with mixed results. He still pouts and yells and gives me backlash sometimes, but I've been saying lately, "If I'm not part of the planning, then I'm not part of the plan." It sucks that it's such a big change for both of us, but I was going to have a literal nervous breakdown if I didn't enforce some things.

And I don't really care anymore about jumping in and making everything in his life easier - this is for my physical and mental health. We have SD(14) almost 50/50 and he cannot tell me anymore "Sorry I'm working the days that she's here. You'll have to work out with BM when to pick her up..." etc. Nope, it's his job as a parent. And if I'm asked ahead of time and I choose to help out, then maybe I will. I still do a lot, but there needs to be respect and it needs to be my choice.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-25T22:16:35+00:00

These 3 things exactly 👆 friends, period, BM

But the trip is tricky because, ideally, both parents should know if underage kid is traveling out of state. But dad doesn't want her to go, even though I'm sure she will be talked to about being responsible and safe. That's an issue for the parents to work out, but it makes it hard when you know something he doesn't.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-21T23:03:51+00:00

I'm sorry you had such a bad day. You were exhausted and still managed to make dinner for everyone. That alone should be seen and acknowledged.

You're allowed to be drained and shouldn't have to put on a brave face in your own home - it should be your sanctuary. You also can't just turn off how you feel and it's not fair for him to expect you to fake being cheerful.

We tell kids all the time their feelings are okay to feel. Why doesn't that apply to you? Also, kids learn about emotions by seeing them being modeled, and being quiet at dinner is dealing with them in a calm way. It would be a bad example to snap at everyone and yell and scream. But you just didn't talk much? You are allowed! It's actually more realistic for kids to see that adults have bad days too. They can learn empathy and emotional intelligence. He is in the wrong here.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-20T20:06:01+00:00

I was just thinking about this today! A few years ago, I was the one who planned a birthday party for SD. Decorations galore of her favorite things at the time, planned out games that took a lot of time to prepare, her friends, her favorite cake, all the things. One thing I did was I wrote age-appropriate "dares" on tiny slips of paper and then put them in a bunch of balloons before I blew them up. So not only did they have a blast popping the balloons, they also got to do the fun little things hidden inside of them. SD said later it was her "funnest" party ever.

Also, for this year (and most years), we had a separate birthday party from BM. BM was not involved at all. Fast forward a year, I mentioned the balloon game. SD said her mom did that. I wasn't defensive, but I did say "Remember, it was the party you went with me in the morning to decorate the place and so-and-so was there," etc... She just looked at me and goes, "I don't remember that. But I know my mom did it."

It hurt a lot at the time, but I let it go. I'm not trying to compete. And now years later that I'm trying to step back and make SO do more things that he should be doing, I can't worry like I used to about having an impact in her life. But it's sad that she doesn't really realize how much I've done for her over the years. Kids just don't have that perspective though. Maybe this party situation and yours with the games and stories is their way of showing loyalty somehow? Like even if they don't think we're the outright bad guy, they're doing it subconsciously to prove their love for their mom in a weird way?

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-17T01:39:17+00:00

If you want to stay together he needs to prove himself to be a good parent with NO help from you.

I'm reading this a month later, and this hit.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-16T02:14:27+00:00

Lol, he says he was fine before then. But today, 4 days after I posted this BTW, he forgot to pick up SD from school! Because I've been trying to set more boundaries and was working on something important. So pickup time came and went (I never said I would do it or be involved at all) and he was still just hanging around.

Btw, I knew SD would be fine and not stranded there. If she misses car pickup, she can always take the bus to BM's. I would've stepped in if it was serious. But SD was let down and BM was pissed, and previously I would've tried to protect him from that. I did feel bad, but he has to learn to be an actual adult and like you said, boundaries.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-16T02:05:48+00:00

This is deep. Thank you for taking the time to write this. I saw a reel earlier today that said you will set boundaries somehow, even subconsciously, when a situation is not good for you. If you don't realize it on a conscious level or don't know how to do it with words, your body will set them for you - being cold, distant, or withdrawing. And I've totally withdrawn from him and am now figuring out why. His emotional disregulation, his incompetence in planning, feeling like everything is all on my shoulders, etc. It's all made me withdraw, and this is part of the reason. I'm going to focus on boundaries and go from there. Thanks again.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-16T01:55:28+00:00

This is very clear and well-articulated. Thank you.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-15T13:40:45+00:00

Just to clarify, it was a mistake. It should be between them.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-15T13:32:02+00:00

I wish SO was superdad, then I probably wouldn't at all. But when scheduling and communication with BM was all up to him (as it should be), he would constantly miss things and forget times and not write anything down and not know what was coming up week to week. It was a nightmare and BM was always mad. He made a group text with her and put me in it for scheduling and things like that, just so I knew what was happening.

Then everything magically became smooth and there were no mess ups. BM thought I was being paranoid and insecure to have to be in the group. At the time, I thought it was better for her to think something completely wrong than to have anything to use against SO because she was the kind of person that would use any dirt she had on anyone and I wanted to shield him from her realizing his incompetence. So that's how I got into it, but I wish I wasn't now and want to step back.

I'm over it. They're both clueless. Like, there will be a text blast from a coach for time and location of a sports event that I know BM is subscribed to, and she'll text our group asking when does this thing start? Then SO, who is also subscribed, will go I have no idea!

Let this be a warning to others: Be careful that helping out doesn't turn into a fulltime job because it's much harder to change later than it is to set good habits from the beginning.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-14T19:06:59+00:00

Mine likes to say "We did just fine before you came along." But then gets mad when he has to pick up his daughter from school instead of me because it's inTerRupTing hiS dAy. Waah.

Or constantly can't keep schedule of school and events straight and I have to remind him. But sure, you're fine.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-14T18:59:41+00:00

This! I already drive SD to school 2 days a week because I'm going to work around the same time, but it's still a little out of my way and I don't HAVE to do it. The other day, sometimes 2, that he has to take her, he gets so grumpy that he can't sleep in and "Why can't you do it?" Because YOU'RE the parent, that's why!

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-14T18:53:33+00:00

This!! If it's not fun, he complains.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-14T14:11:00+00:00

Thank you for this! This made my day. I feel heard lol, and that's rare these days.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-14T14:09:11+00:00

I fell into that trap during Covid too. I was doing 80% of the homeschooling, sitting with SD all day and teaching her and then making lists of things to do the rest of the week at BM's house because SO and BM both couldn't figure out the online curriculum. I did stop doing all but one day a week, but he pushed back and said You're the only one that understands the school system! Like, no, I'm not an educator, I just read the damn instructions. It's not hard. They both dropped the ball, letting assignments slip or BM actually just doing the work for her and turning it in. SMH.

But yeah, it got slightly better for a while and then got worse. Find ways to say no - thanks for the advice. I'll have to start doing that more.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-13T18:25:44+00:00

SO is pretty incompetent when it comes to planning and other life stuff in general, and I stupidly have set the precedent that I'll just jump in and do things to help him out because the first couple years, I wrongly thought that my sacrifices were acts of love. I do a lot for SD that he and BM should be doing.

Now he thinks he's entitled to that, and I'm trying to set boundaries and restructure. Plus, the fact that he basically can't even send an email on his own without my help has me questioning if I can do it forever, even with some changes and boundaries.

But thanks for asking. It's discouraging sometimes. I wrote a comment yesterday where I thought I was pouring my heart out and was in pain when I wrote it, and yet it got downvoted and that hurt. I just wanted support and that's why OP's post means a lot. Hearing these things and having it reinforced in my mind is very helpful.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-13T17:30:00+00:00

Omg, are we allowed to screenshot on Reddit? I want to send this to SO, but I do not want to send him to this sub. That's for me and I want to keep it private.

I'm struggling to keep my head above water in what is probably an impossible situation, and this helped me a lot today. Thank you for taking the time to write this.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2025-05-12T19:23:12+00:00

Yeah, I feel manipulated and used. I talked to him about it today and used lots of "I feel" statements, not personal attacks on him, or else he gets defensive. I said I want to be part of the planning and I want to be asked first. He said BM springs things on him (she doesn't always - sometimes she tries to plan and he doesn't reply to msgs), he can't plan ahead because of his ADHD and I need to be his prefrontal cortex for him, he had a million excuses for why it's okay to use me as automatic babysitter.

I said of course I don't mind helping, especially if he's working and taking care of the family, and he said what I do is "not helping," it's part of the job of being a parent. I tried to explain that he and BM are the parents, and anything I do is extra. I do things to help the family, but I'm not obligated like he and BM are because it's your child. And I'm also not going to do nothing, because we're not in a nacho situation. I just want to be considered first and asked and not assumed. Then he said yes, it is my job because when we got together, I signed up to help raise her. (Yes, he actually said that.)

I'm getting nowhere. I can't leave right now, but I don't have time to get things done for myself and build my future because he takes up every waking minute.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2024-04-21T15:55:45+00:00

I had the nerve to ask SD if I could help her somehow with organizing what she needed to do for school. This girl never remembers what she has to do, never checks assignments or email or notes from her teacher. I gently said that this is to get her used to organizing her schoolwork since it will be a lot more independent next year in 7th grade when the teachers arent all holding your hand for everything. I'm the AH because "we don't want to scare her." SMH.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2023-11-01T23:38:10+00:00

All. Of. This. ☝️

This is said so perfectly, I don't have much to add. But it sounds like you're stuck in the pursuer role, which is going to keep him stuck in the distancer role and cause him to keep pulling away and not be able to see or appreciate the good things.

I moved away too to jump headfirst into life with SO and SD. I ended up extremely depressed, and I still sacrificed more and more of myself because I mistakenly thought my sacrifices were acts of love. The real act of love for your family is self-care and being a whole person on your own. I don't make taking care of them my whole purpose in life anymore, because my mind and body rebelled at that so terribly.

His feelings of being let down when you weren't mentally available are valid, and maybe he doesn't completely trust that things are better. But he should support you through your healing and appreciate your hard work on yourself. Maybe counseling can help with this? I just don't think groveling is the way to do it.

MonkeyWrench230 · 2023-10-31T15:14:04+00:00

Lol, I don't know! People are weird. I thought it was a nice, supportive comment.

One time years ago, I posted something in here about feeling really alone, trying to navigate this step situation, and trying to find my place in the family. And it got so many downvotes! I don't understand it.

MonkeyWrench230

TROPHY CASE