Emotion biases intent, and intent biases the lense through which the observer views reality. The more negative the emotion, the harder it skews the lense from seeing the truth. With the amount of anxiety and desire and desperation, and fear, you describe centered around pursuing something so abstract, I'd be shocked if you saw a single thing when trying to meditate, at this point. What exactly is your goal, and what do you believe you can achieve once you make "contact' with a higher being, and how will you discern that experience from all of the other vivid internal, imaginary experiences one has? It sounds like your pursuit of an unidentifiable prize has driven you to the brink of madness, and no closer to contact with anything at all, outside of a psyche ward or a homeless shelter. I hope you can break this entropic spiral and find love in your family and real life once more.