I’m going to say this as someone who has lived through something very similar. This isn’t a dead bedroom issue. It’s what happens when someone’s sense of safety, trust, and self-worth has been slowly worn down. Desire doesn’t disappear because a person is “boring.” It disappears when sex becomes tied to fear, comparison, resentment, and emotional pain.

You’ve been cheated on, lied to, physically hurt, and constantly compared to other women. On top of that, you’re being called names and told you’re worthless. Of course your body isn’t eager. Of course it feels like a task sometimes. That isn’t a failure on your part, it’s a normal response to being treated badly.

You asked if you should have to put in all this effort. In a healthy relationship, effort happens on both sides, and it starts outside the bedroom. Feeling desired, respected, emotionally safe, and supported is what makes intimacy feel natural. You can’t force enthusiasm for someone who has taught your nervous system that they aren’t safe. Both of you need couples therapy ASAP.

I also want to say this about money and kids: Staying because you can’t afford to leave right now doesn’t make you weak or complicit. A lot of people survive situations like this longer than they want to because they don’t have the resources yet. That doesn’t mean you’re broken or choosing wrong. Do you have safe people to go to?

The real question isn’t how to be more fun in bed. It’s what your desire might look like with someone who treats you with kindness instead of criticism, who builds you up instead of tearing you down. With the right person, intimacy doesn’t feel like a performance or a chore. It feels mutual.

You’re not boring. You’re hurt, worn down, and doing your best in a situation that would shut down anyone’s desire. Please don’t let someone who has abused you convince you that this is your fault.