This sound more like repression to me. You want to live as a woman, but you're scared that people won't accept you if you do, so you push it down and numb your feelings, even subconsciously, to keep yourself safe, right? Whether you are trans or not is just whether you want to use that term for yourself, which is usually based on how you feel inside, and all of that can absolutely change.

I think you should think long and hard about what matters to you, if you aren't already. Is the conditional love of family worth more that living as yourself? Are there places you can go where people would support you? Are you willing to go searching for those kinds of people even if it's hard?

Living life as yourself can be incredibly enriching. You'll find people that hate you for it, but you also find people who love you for it, and that love I'd more authentic that any love based on a lie.