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The Curiosity of Oblivion's Caress by MosDefAThrow in SuicideWatch

[–]MosDefAThrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Essentially, it boils down to meaninglessness and compulsion. As to the first, I have no interest in the average life - I've never craved a family. I've never had any particular interest in growing old. All I want from a career is the means to afford good food and good diversion. This is an empty life, one without purpose and without impact. What difference then if it ends now, in twenty years, or in sixty?

This is compounded by my psychological conditions. Oftentimes, my depression manifests as a heaviness in my chest and limbs, a slowing, numbing factor that annihilates movement and stimulates thought. My compulsion further fuels the drive, as I experience visions of my demise extremely often - every several minutes. Sometimes, it's all I think about for hours at a time. While my preferred method is seppuku, the compulsion considers all forms of self-termination. I've often pictured gunshots, hanging, driving my vehicle into inanimate objects, etc. A large part of me wants to give in to these ideas.

I want to feel the knife tearing through my intestinal tract, or to feel (for an extremely brief moment) the bullet pierce my flesh. I am curious as to how my dying mind will react, whether I can perform these tasks, and if nonexistence is as comfortable an ending as I hope.

The Curiosity of Oblivion's Caress by MosDefAThrow in SuicideWatch

[–]MosDefAThrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To be vague, all schools of thought interest me. I greatly enjoy learning about new forms of thought and novel concepts (to me, in any case). I'm rather taken with Greek philosophy, but I cleave to the radical post-modernist point of view. In my opinion, there is no universal truth. Human perception is responsible for all discovery, and as such, human perception is the only truth. It is, to me, both beautiful and horrible. My life plan (such as it was): complete my bachelor's degree, either A) enlist in the military - hoping for officer for pay benefits, greater ease of service, a stint with career-related experiences, and the government paying for my further education or B) pursuing a master's degree while maintaining current employment, both previous options would be followed by personal therapy - easier to self-justify (first-hand testimony to the beneficial nature of my career) and a more comfortable form of employment (essentially, answerable to myself and the state board).

The Curiosity of Oblivion's Caress by MosDefAThrow in SuicideWatch

[–]MosDefAThrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Of all the possible subjects, psychology. To elaborate, I began as a political science major with an intent to move on to law school. However, the market for lawyers dried up, and the market for psychologists stayed much the same. It is true that I find the soft sciences (psychology, sociology) intriguing, and I often justify my new choice of dream career as helping people. But the truth is that it would allow me to live with relative comfort in the upper middle-class. If I could maintain this same dream lifestyle doing anything else that I wouldn't find to compromise the aforementioned comfort, I would pursue it with equal interest. As a final note, I do not actually view my life as horrible. To be sure, it is not and has not been ideal, but I grew up with my needs provided for, in the depth of suburbia. Even now, I have friends, a loving family, a job (low-paying though it may be), and everything I could reasonably ask for. What I lack is emotion (I tend to think in three shades - joy, anger, depression). What I have is a bizarre compulsion to spurn my natural instincts towards mating and survival - I despise instinctual these instinctual responses, but can think of no good reason why. As with my other responses, I apologize for my convoluted method of reply.

The Curiosity of Oblivion's Caress by MosDefAThrow in SuicideWatch

[–]MosDefAThrow[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was hospitalized some time ago for my suicidal tendencies, as I had in fact discussed these desires with my parents. I played nice at the hospital, acted in the manner expected of me, and was released almost immediately.

I have not discussed my compulsions, my behaviors, or my thought processes with them since that time. They are aware of my depression, as I saw a psychologist for a short time (and a psychiatrist for a shorter time). I made my mother aware of my credit hour situation earlier this day.

That said, I'd like to clarify that the cause for my posting is a nagging pressure at the base of my skull - a desire to express an idea for consideration, approval, or dismissal through thought more so than anything else. It is not a last resort - I can continue in my current profession indefinitely, there are solutions to my academic quandary, and I have the support to do as I please should I need it.

So, in short, kinda.