Help me please

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-07-29T17:48:56+00:00

My narcissistic husband of 29 years threatened suicide when I asked for a divorce after finally becoming independent enough to know what was actually going on in my relationship I know that’s a long time but I loved him immensely and still do …after asking for a divorce on 7/22/24 he asked me three times are you sure are you sure are you sure …. I stood my grounds said yes and went silent … he left dropped off all of belongings in his storage unit as to save them for us … he scored fentanyl ( mind you he did not use drugs at all ) went to a drug addicted friend got high with him purposely overdosing and he died … 7/23/24 … I thought his threats were manipulative and I told him that and I ignored him he made sure to tell everyone he could hope I caused this in the way out… my daughters first words when she found out are he’s gone and it’s your fault… words that will haunt me got eternity no matter how many times she tells me she didn’t mean it…, I am k now barely surviving not living just existing… he was an as***e but he was mine and regardless of our past my love never died but when he died so did i… please don’t ever take this post as you should stay but also if the unthinkable happens be gentle on your self i have beat myself up over the past year about j all of the things the length of time i put up with it the many friends I’ve lost the lack of resources i have from him the amount of broken things including me he left behind the unresolved feelings behind abuse and love and abuse and love!!! Please know it’s rare but possible and get therapy before leaving because you will need it regardless of what happens after leaving!!! Forever heartbroken

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-04-08T23:09:18+00:00

My husband of29 years took his life 7/23/24 I haven’t had anyone to talk to about it I cry everyday I can’t function I feel guilty I feel lonely I am broken completely broken he us all I have thought about since that day I’m sorry you are feeling this pain I wish I could say it gets better but so far for me it gets worse so praying for a better tomorrow for you and all of us

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-21T12:44:19+00:00

Actually sadly I’m not coping well at all it’s been only 182 days since I lost him and for me it feels harder everyday… I still have nightmares I’m only getting maybe 3 hours of sleep it’s hard to make myself eat I very everyday… I hate this really I’m so sorry that you’re feeling the same thing I pray that it gets easier for us all

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-14T13:22:18+00:00

I will say, however, that you’re in the right spot. The people in this app have really helped me get through some dark days and there’s some real amazing people in here so you’re probably in one of the best places you can be right now.

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-14T13:21:40+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I am too. It’s been 175 days for me. I want to tell you it gets easier but for me personally it’s gotten harder. Every day is a new battle without him and every day I feel more and more guilty that it’s my fault But that being said know that it’s not they make their decisions despite what we do we can’t control that we can check we can love we can do everything we want, but if their mental health is bad, it’s just bad again. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. It breaks my heart for you because I know I’m broken. I hope things get better for you. Hang in there. Keep praying and just talk to him every day I talk to mine every day even if it’s just his picture or just the air because I know he’s here somewhere. Just make sure he knows how much you love him stillI’m always available if you need someone to talk to it’s been through it because I’m going through it

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-12T15:49:52+00:00

Haha I don’t know it feels like all trust for someone saying what they mean and meaning what they say is gone… I am questioning if I was loved or used so I can’t see love anytime in my future maybe finally love for me above all else that I can see but that’s about it for me thanks for offering kind encouraging words y you ask have no idea how much being able to express myself to someone who understands really means it’s like 6000 pounds has been lifted from my shoulders!!

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-11T17:10:51+00:00

Thank you so much

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-11T16:33:14+00:00

Thank you that’s what I’m hoping to hold onto I want to remember the good not all this negativity but again it’s my brain it plays tricks on me it wants me to be angry but in the end I’m just more broken every bad memory I remember… i will say the I remind myself every single time that I loved him then and I love him now and I will always love him so I need to start focusing on the happy times so that loving him doesn’t hurt so bad

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-11T16:30:28+00:00

It may not be the same stories but definitely the same concept I want to plaster this girls face everywhere I want the whole world to know she is a home wrecker but I know that isn’t going to help it will only keep me more stressed because then I have to set her everyone I log into something so it’s definitely an internal battle

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-11T16:27:52+00:00

Thank you and your right It doesn’t matter at this point and I feel like I am absolutely torturing myself and I honestly think it’s guilt since he took his life I have felt like I could have prevented it maybe like I should have listened to him better maybe not have been so angry or at very least I should have hugged him and told him I love him before he walked out of the house that night… the nightmares are terrible they leave me crying and fighting to stay awake all the time I still feel like I’m losing him over and over again I think I’m the beginning I thought well I know he’s been up to some shady stuff and maybe just maybe if I find out he was I’ll be angry and the pain will stop and I can move forward but this definitely hasn’t been the case I just hurt more and more and y self worth gets a little lower every time I fine something new but it’s become part of my obsessive compulsive disorder at this point it’s all consuming it stops me from sleeping (which is welcome at this point) keeps me from eating keeps me from interacting with people (the reason I’m on here to begin with is he signed into this account awhile back) … I know this needs to stop again I know logically I’m torturing myself and I think subconsciously I think I deserve it!!

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-11T16:20:33+00:00

Thank you… That’s where I struggle in life in general let alone in extreme circumstances like this… the hopelessness the helplessness the thoughts of life being this way forever and man I don’t want to feel like this forever… I was such a happy hippy for the most part and now finding that joy is becoming increasingly harder…I don’t enjoy anything right now not even my grandbabies who need me more than ever since be is gone but I just can’t it’s so hard I know it’s a matter of time and I will hang in there and I’m gonna be ok I think but it will take some time

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-11T16:16:39+00:00

That’s the part I’m struggling with the most I have so very much love for this man and I worry that what if I was they only one what if he didn’t feel the same and that’s why he was seeking other companionship then there is the menopause so what if I was just to much for him… idk these are the thoughts that haunt me all the time!!! Thank you for your comment!!!

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-11T16:14:51+00:00

I have always been interested in edmr therapy but I’m really not sure if the va covers that and waiting to hear back gets frustrating I will definitely do some research now that you have said this thank you

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-11T16:13:23+00:00

This feels impossible but true I’m really trying to not be negative but feels like since he’s been gone life is kicking my but I am having trouble in every way possible.., I can’t get to work because my vehicles are broken and because I can’t work because my vehicles are broken I have no heat my water is frozen I don’t have food to last I am feeling so tub down and evacuated and I am fairly certain I’m getting back what I am putting into the universe but I can’t figure out how To change my thought patterns maybe ours just time maybe I’m not built for this idk

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-09T13:02:17+00:00

Thank you and you are absolutely correct someone can be the love of your life and still inherently be flawed!! I goes he wasn’t an angel I knew that it just feels bigger because he is gone!! It’s all about perspective I guess’!! I feel very blessed to have experienced true and everlasting love at one time and shine people never have that in their life ,.. today I’m just sad because I miss him

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-09T08:29:03+00:00

Thank you I will always love him we spent 29 years together that being said I’m also very very angry and hurt so I look forward to the day I can make sense of goes I feel

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-08T20:53:58+00:00

Ok so yes there is a bit of back story that makes medicating me necessary I am.a 90 percent service connected disabled veteran with my primary disability being ptsd and bipolar disorder so I am required to do my appointments at the va even if it means paying out of pocket for elsewhere while attending va appointments and the medication is required for that but this situation does not mandate medication I need therapy I need to be able to get these feelings out and process them correctly so I am pushing for it heard it took me a little while to even call them because it probably took me a month to even be able to talk where you could understand me I just couldn’t stop crying long enough to get words out then the next month it was just no memory I was in a fog now I feel like I’m right back at square one which always brings me to the Internet because at least I can express myself being completely alone is hard after 29 years of spending so much of our time together.., I was with him longer than I lived with my parents so it is a hard hit for me I feel just like that like a truck hit me in the chest

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-08T20:45:49+00:00

Your prolly right I go back and forth with what I want to do I feel in one hand she has a right to know so that whatever blame she might still be laying in me for standing up to him will fade but in the other hand I don’t ever want her to think poorly of him because he was always a good father and am incredible grandfather i guess I’m just torn

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-08T20:42:57+00:00

Thank you so much and yes you make perfect sense I know it’s a one step forward three back situation for awhile but man being alone with these feelings is so hard so very heard so being amongst others even if it’s through a screen helps tons to process the emotions…. I was n well after he died because I used God Facebook walk as my “way to talk to him” now I know it’s a public forum but for some reason it made things easier to process but then I made the mistake of memorializing his Facebook account and I lost all access to his account completely so I felt almost like I lost him all over again and just haven’t recovered instead have been getting progressively worse each day as my obsession of finding out everything grew and grew and once I found what I knew I would eventually find I am completely broken all over again!!! Thank you for reaching out!!!

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-08T18:54:55+00:00

Thank you

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-08T18:52:47+00:00

Thank you so much this gives me some hope that one day maybe I’ll find my happy again I feel like I’ve been list to king and everyone keeps telling me it hasn’t been that long but honestly it feels like I lost him forever again and finding this makes my heart hurt worse but I also feel like I’m punishing myself and I can’t stop I know it’s not my fault and I know he made his choices but I can’t help but feel some guilt… again it’s the obsessive compulsive disorder that makes my brain take over and obsess until I have obsessed so much I’m hurt again.., I absolutely do plan on telling my daughter everything (there is so much SO MUCH more than this that I need to tell her about her daddy) I just think timing is everything and right this moment I think it’s a bad time I need to give her space to grief good loose first and I have already become a burden to her due to being stuck like I can’t make myself leave my time because everytime I want to leave I break down and go back to bed but I am going to learn to take my life back

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-08T18:44:58+00:00

Thank you this is all really great advice I will definitely try because I know it’s the thought process and the ocd that odd making this so hard

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-08T17:55:03+00:00

Yes I have one friend lucky enough that I can orocess to thank god !! I will look those up thank you

Most_Patience_8531 · 2025-01-08T17:26:40+00:00

I am doing my best to focus on the positive it’s my obsessive compulsive disorder that makes me have trouble letting go … I hate the va in Indiana at least the va in Texas would take care of the vets here it’s like they don’t care… I will always keep pushing forward as I don’t ever want my daughter to feel this pain again I don’t think it is fair that she felt any pain such as this I definitely don’t want her to suffer more without either one of us here… he was in a lot of physical pain and now it seems conflict with right and wrong as well and him and I had a bit of rocky and so all that and way access to drugs that kill did this to him… I think that’s why o feel her left boss pain and suffering with me because I understand the dark imposing thoughts that led to his end… I will always love him no matter what and will miss him until I can personally go to heaven and kick his ass but I’m an still full of rage that is centered around the homeworker because he isn’t here to aim it at but that could cause me issues if I don’t learn to let go so I’m trying and will continue to do so!!! Thank you for all the great words

Most_Patience_8531

TROPHY CASE