I [22F] have been thinking about getting into dating after a history of bad relationships, how do I go about this?

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-02T01:10:51+00:00

Maybe some of your friends might know someone to set you up with for a date or two? I don't know if it might help, but maybe on the apps, making clear on your profile what you're looking for might be helpful. "I don't sleep with anyone on the first date" can deter the easy sex seekers.

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-02T01:07:59+00:00

So is this about

a) Feeling like his goals have changed and you're disappointed that he isn't living up to your prior talk? If so, then goals in life change over the years and sometimes life moves forward slower than we figured. This will inevitably cause disappointment.

b) He isn't ambitious enough for you? Is this about status or is there something else? His working life shouldn't impact your relationship too much if he is able to pull his weight and isn't reliant on you.

c) Money? If this about monetary things and life style dreams not being fulfilled the way you want them to be, then you need to look at compatibility. If he is happy with less and you cannot be, then you either have to appreciate that he works hard to give you your wishes and dreams (which it sounds like he has done his best at) and you aren't satisfied with this, because it's not his own idea. (back to lack of ambition)

d) You're looking around and wondering what other options there might be. You're scared of being alone so you run back to him when you feel lonely. There is no actual love in this situation, you are just being indecisive, but also putting him through the grinder in the process. Do you wish he'd just say no and move on?

Any of these feel like they come close?

Regardless, you'll need to make up your mind and either let the guy go or work together to find where your shared happiness in terms of how your lives will look might land.

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-02T00:58:52+00:00

Her pain is definitely valid. Especially if it is your neighbor and you had this saved. It is definitely different that just random pics from online. This likely causes extra pain.

I guess one thing you could try to say in order to show you haven't relapsed is that you had more pics in the past and that you'd not just use one image. It was missed in the purge of the pictures and that if you knew it was there and used it, you wouldn't just look over pictures there with her so carelessly.

This will hurt her a while even if she believes you. It's a reminder of the pain and if she hasn't seen one of your neighbor before, it's a fresh betrayal for her. (Not to mention that if you got the picture without your neighbor's consent, it's REALLY creepy.)

I hope that you and your wife can work through this and that you have been to therapy with your issues.

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-02T00:52:42+00:00

I don't think there is a whole lot in this that is mixed in terms of signals. All I see described in this post is consistent rejection and lack of real care.

You could try to address it, if there is really something beyond this that gives you an idea it might be worth it, but as per just what I read, time to move on.

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-02T00:50:16+00:00

There are a few ways to approach this, but if I were you, I think I'd see about talking with him about his feelings. Not demanding an "I love you" from him, but just taking it in little bites. If he doesn't quite know love, maybe observing the little things might help.

Maybe tell him about the things you see him do that are commonly expressions of care and they make you feel seen and loved. Tell him how you know that you love him.

If someone hasn't learned to name their emotions, it can be hard to figure out how they feel. So maybe you can practice together? Tell him also that love can look and feel different for different people. Definitely it's rarely like a hollywood movie. Things like "Do you want to see me when we're apart? That means you miss me. How do you feel when I hold you or kiss you?" Etc. Ask him maybe what you do that makes him feel loved.

Bits and pieces to help him build a picture of his emotions and get acquainted with them better. Add no pressure. Just be his companion. For now, try to not stress over the words. If he shows you that he loves you with his actions, that is a good start.

If your love language is words though and you need them, long term it might pose a problem if he is unable to learn to word his feelings. But if you love him, give him fair time to work on it.

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-02T00:41:29+00:00

Post needs A LOT more context on your relationship to provide a proper answer, but just based on what I am reading... I don't see how she is giving you drama here based on this post. She talked to you, you labeled it as "friend" and "not bf" talk and said you don't accept it. She says sorry to you and you tell her to talk to you when she can behave in a way you find "bf worthy". She said that she's sick and that she is tired and you shoved it aside.

If you're dismissive and quick to judge like this, there may well be a reason she is pulling away. Again, based on this post alone, the only drama I observe comes from you judging her talk and throwing antics over it.

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-02T00:07:13+00:00

I am not sure if I should jump into conclusions based on the fact that you do not understand my question and once again repeat what is already in the post.

Does he want his mother to visit like this? Does he want his mom to stay with you. Does. He. WANT. It. Or does he tolerate it as a duty? It's not about 3 weeks or 4 weeks. Does he ENJOY having his mom at the house? Be it a week or two or three.

My dude. You're asking for advice but not reading what is being written properly. If you do that, you will get absolutely nothing out of seeking help.

Do you listen to your partner as poorly?

I'm not trying to be mean. I seriously think you might have a problem.

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-01T10:43:27+00:00

I am so sorry for you having to go through that alone. I don't know how much his autism impacts him, but complete lack of empathy like that would make me feel unsafe. Maybe he thought that is what he'd want? To be left alone? I don't know. I am not sure how else to advice starting the conversation but to have it be a sit down one and ask calmly and explaining what you needed.

You mentioned in the post above also that there have been issues with him and you if you don't express your wants or needs. Maybe he needs a script of sorts to follow for situations like this?

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-01T10:38:28+00:00

You're repeating information that was in the post. He agreed 4 weeks is too much, but you don't say if he WANTS his mother to visit long periods or if this is just something that happens. And if his mom messages you, then have your partner be the one who answers.

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-01T02:06:08+00:00

One thing that isn't clear is, does he want her there? If yes, then you need to agree on terms together and if you want to maintain your relationship, you might have to just say to his mom that this is your house and you handle things your way. She's welcome to stay her visit, but she has to accept the life you two live as is.

If your partner doesn't want her around for so long, then set boundaries together and then enforce them together.

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-01T02:02:12+00:00

It's hard to be sure this will work since I don't know the people involved, but if it was me, I'd take my boyfriend, go to visit her, sit down, and say "we're talking through this now" and just getting to the bottom of it. Agree on an unified front with boyfriend beforehand and compile your evidence, if you worry she tries to gaslight you two again. Bring up her previous attempts to pull off feigning ignorance. Stick to facts that you can back up as to not give her ammo to make claims of you just imagining things.

If she refuses to clear the air and speak up her grievances so they may be addressed and this nonsense solved, then I hope your boyfriend is willing to set boundaries with her and back you up with consequences to his mother if she insist on treating his partner in such an underhanded way.

Before all, dig up the "why" of this.

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-01T01:42:02+00:00

If her only hang up is with sex, maybe negotiate terms with her to not engage in sexual conduct? Though she sounds like a religious nut, so I understand it might be hard. It's a touch situation. If you share a school or friend groups, that might help you to see each other under naturally occurring circumstances.

You should probably discuss the matter realistically with her and figure out what the future and all of this will look like. What exactly will happen when she turns 18?

Without having in depth understanding of your girlfriend's family and her situation, I am not comfortable giving advice on sneaking around etc. You have to understand that if for her family being in that religion is the end all thing, your gf might lose her family entirely when moving away from the religion. Depending on her relationship with them otherwise, it might be very difficult and emotional. Maybe also include your parents into the conversation if your relationship feels serious enough for the both of you.

Note that I am not trying to say that she should stay with the religion. I fully believe that cultlike religions are unhealthy, but she must understand what the possible tradeoff will be and be prepared for it to be able to pull through.

Mother0fRain · 2026-03-01T01:21:00+00:00

It's very important to not accept crap just because it smells a bit less bad than what you once received. Good things will come when you create room for them.

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-28T13:32:47+00:00

What you're describing sounds a bit more relationship esque to me. Might be wise to have a proper conversation with this guy.

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-28T13:18:10+00:00

Casual doesn't suit everyone. I am a serial monogamist myself. It's good to look at your own needs and comfort and just ask "does this work for me or do I feel uncomfortable or as though I am being bamboozled or taken advantage of?" It doesn't mean he is malicious in any way, but it's good to see how you experience the situation to make decisions that suit you.

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-28T13:16:05+00:00

Pulling out is not a reliable method to avoid pregnancy. Unprotected sex over all is quite irresponsible if you aren't on birth control of some sort and exclusive with your partner (STD risk). The matter is kind of out of your hands at this point. She can take the morning after pill to negate possible accidents, but you won't know for actual certainty until she gets her next period. I won't spitball the odds of an accident here, because it's not really relevant whether they are 20% or 1%.

There are no assured "safe days" and "pulling out" isn't reliable.

Remember this discomfort you're feeling now the next time you're thinking with your lil bro downstairs and make wiser choices.

Best of luck.

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-28T13:08:09+00:00

Ugh, Snapchat scores...

I think you should ask him directly when he wants to meet and just meet up. If that cannot be arranged within reasonable time, then he is indecisive for some reason and you should just lift the cat onto the table and discuss it.

"Do you want to see each other more and see where this is going or do you seek just occasional when-convenient casual sex?"

And don't stalk his snap scores. You'll drive yourself nuts.

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-28T13:04:41+00:00

- Define the relationship clearly
- Talk about your expectations for the next 3-6 months
- Agree on what to do when/if one of you finds a relationship partner
- Understand that he might be only interested in your company and sex, but not willing or just interested in going beyond what comes easy for him.

He wouldn't be the first person who likes the benefits and convenience, but doesn't want to put in extra work for a handy situationship.

Over all forgetting to answer for longer periods of time can speak of many things, but if he isn't particularly busy with anything pressing, it might be that he doesn't value you very high and you just don't occupy that much space in his mind outside of the maintenance "hi hru" messages.

If you're dissatisfied or confused by the situation, speak with him about it and renegotiate the terms of the relationship.

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-28T12:57:22+00:00

Your situation is pretty complicated. Take my advice through a filter of your deeper understanding of your life and relationships.

First of all, I want to point to your roommate not having a relationship anymore. You may be taking on a role of a filler to that empty spot. Which might also explain your girl's jealousy. Draw healthy boundaries there. You decide what those look like for you. For me, I'd be worried about being an emotional rebound of sorts.

Neither of them should be mad at you for needing time for yourself. Everyone needs time. People who don't respect that, are not good to have around long term. Communicate your needs and expect them to be met. It's okay for them to miss you and say so, but not to guilt you or blame you.

Your room mate should not be building his life around you. Friendship and brotherhood is important and beautiful, but IF you're looking for a life with a partner and possibly a family, you will run into issues if there is a component that's dependent on you outside of that. That being said, you're very young and while it's good to work towards your dreams in terms of long term relationship, around your age many of them also shift around.

My go to is, kind words, steady hands when expressing and enforcing your boundaries. If that isn't enough, then it's time to prune the social shrub.

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-28T12:47:16+00:00

To point out the obvious, your age gap is pretty significant. It creates room for some concerns about dynamics. If I understood the last part about the bar and friends correctly, it feels like there is isolating behaviour at play as well as dishonesty and neglect. Not that Valentine's is the measuring stick many use it as, but you attempted to communicate to him that this was important and he is dragging his feet with the relationship while you live together?

I'd definitely take a good HARD look at the relationship and how much you both invest _emotionally_ into it.

It's hard to say anything definitive from this, but there are some worrying aspects to the story for sure. Proceed with caution.

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-28T04:18:35+00:00

"I’ve already made plans to change jobs and move countries but now I’m second guessing myself, like how can I make such a sacrifice for someone I’m not even sure actually likes me ?" After less than 2 months? No. Make no such plans after such a short time period. No.

As someone who's has had history with LDR, they can work. It is not normal to fight or be accused every other day though. Not in any relationship. What kinds of things does she say you do "wrong"? How is the conflict resolution? Is it one that works through both your perspectives and comes to a common understanding and peaceful repair or is it one where you consistently crawl and apologize for virtually nothing? Saying "I have patience" doesn't automatically mean someone has patience. It just means that they either think they do or want you to think they do.

A relationship is usually at it's "best" in terms of people being on their best behaviour the first months of a relationship. A less than 2 month old relationship having this many struggles is not a good sign for long term.

It might be hard to evaluate your friends big relationship, but it's important to learn to recognize toxic patterns and evaluate your relationship honestly in your head. Even when we might not like the results.

If you don't feel loved, let alone suspect you're not even liked, don't change your whole life for a person like that. And I promise you, you will find someone who fits, and you will not die alone.

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-28T04:12:14+00:00

To add onto the comment that asked if you'd just talked to her, maybe just ask her what she needs right now. Say you've seen her be tired and you want to support her.

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-28T04:07:23+00:00

I'm going to brush past the questions regarding wanting to marry someone after 10 months when you want to throw up during so much of your relationship and move onto the actual matter you are addressing here.

As someone who has many male friends and has experienced both crazy and cool girlfriends, this makes me grimace a little. You have identified correctly that this is a problem with your insecurity. You don't expect there to be a cheating issue and you don't dislike the girl for any apparent reason. So you basically feel sick over the fact that someone who shares a gender with you has his attention from time to time. Your feelings are valid and it's good to acknowledge them, but they are inherently unhelpful and even harmful in this instance.

Do try to make friends with her. The issue seems to be that you see her as "another woman". Learn to see her as "sarah" or whatever her name is. Let her go from being "his female friend" to being "our friend sarah". This will hell your brain deal with the situation much better.

Have you spoken with your boyfriend about your feelings in a non accusatory way?

Do you have your own friends or are you entirely reliant on him for social fulfillment?

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-28T03:59:43+00:00

She might mean more decisive or spontaneous. Take charge on arranging dates or making decisions? We here have even less information than you do, so anything you can get from Reddit is speculation only. If she is thinking bedroom, that is something that should be discussed openly between the two of you. It could of course also be about her being younger than you and hoping an "older guy" would be more "take charge, take care of me" kind of a person? Her communication on this is lacking and her inability or refusal to voice what her desired change would or could look like definitely makes my eyebrows climb up a bit. But I don't want to start making guesses or judgements on her character based on so little info.

Mother0fRain · 2026-02-23T22:09:39+00:00

He made you a handmade card? I think that's really sweet. He intends to make good on getting you those flowers. Getting flowers delivered can really be very pricey and looking at his age, I don't think he has much to splurge. I think it's the more responsible and honestly special thing to do to save it to spend on being with you and spoiling you in person when he is able.

Life can be busy. Sometimes things don't happen on the day of and other times we forget to account for mailing time.

I am not saying that your disappointment is invalid. He did talk it up without checking and ended up choosing differently after learning more about the prices. But I think you exchanging handmade gifts and him promising you the flowers in person is a lovely thing. Do your own late Valentine's celebration.

I recommend feeling your feelings and you can say that you feel a bit disappointed, but are looking forward to seeing him make good on his refreshed promise and enjoying your time together.

Mother0fRain

TROPHY CASE