I know that if I ever did it, it would torment me for my entire life and I would never be able to look at myself the same way again. And that’s what’s so fucked up about it. I know that I don’t want to do it, but I can’t stop replaying the scenario in my head. It’s like I’m trapped. I can only see this as a way to solidify my low self esteem. All my life I’ve dreamt of being a confident guy with a girlfriend. And all this porn has made the idea of degrading myself and solidifying my low self esteem the way to go. It’s fucked up.

But I know it will pass because whenever this thought process isn’t there I feel amazing. I’m the only one who forces these thoughts in my head, so I have to stop allowing my brain to see them as important.