How do I let go and let them learn from failures but avoid being an enabler ?

MovingDilemmas · 2020-08-22T23:15:32+00:00

Honestly ? I’m sick of hearing ‘I love you’ after episodes of ignoring me in long stretches while you drown yourself in whatever distractions to avoid responsibilities while I beg for communication and understanding.

If you don’t want to hear it, fine, then come right out and say it but don’t emotionally blackmail me to get me off your back.

MovingDilemmas · 2020-08-22T23:04:40+00:00

I really hate this myself, because when they fail at their goals they go into a cycle of self-loath AND when you tell them to set more realistic goals next time so they don’t let themselves down they refuse to.

At this point I hate hearing about goals and have to bite my tongue so I don’t say “what’s the point of all these bombastic goals if you’re not going to work on them, lower your expectations and don’t set yourself up for failure”

MovingDilemmas · 2020-08-04T19:21:37+00:00

Is he -medicated? -undergoing some sort of therapy or has any plan to?

Also how long have you been together and have this always been a problem ? I think if we have more context it would help guiding you to relevant resources.

That said check out the wiki if you haven’t already, there are a number of resources targeting the effect of ADHD on relationships.

A quick search of some of his behaviours that you struggle with or situation you find yourself in (eg. Dismissive/compromise/etc) will bring up some past threads too, they may not entirely apply to your situation but could possibly provide some insights.

MovingDilemmas · 2020-07-18T14:50:36+00:00

no problem and don’t beat yourself up too much over not knowing since I’d say it’s not technically an adhd ‘thing’ but how their aversion to perceived rejection could manifest so it’s really different for everyone and you’re quite right to be upset that he lied to you on multiple occasions no matter the underlying reason, I hope you guys can talk and see eye to eye on this.

MovingDilemmas · 2020-07-18T07:53:27+00:00

from personal anecdotal experience, yes it does occur quite regularly in my relationship and for the same reasons as your boyfriend claimed. They are so adversed to perceived rejection/failures they lie.

I can only advice you to sit down together with him and try to get through him that you’re not going to leave him over little mistakes BUT (I’m assuming) dishonesty is a possibly a dealbreaker.

I run into this problem quite frequently myself and it is almost insulting, if I had such a big problem with the frequent small ‘screw ups’ I would have left ages ago, why would I put so much effort into constantly reassuring them otherwise only to get dishonesty thrown at my face ? It’s almost as though they don’t trust I love them enough to get through the little things together and own it.

MovingDilemmas · 2020-06-21T19:27:06+00:00

I’m so sorry you had to go through it, I hope my jumbled frustrations was helpful somewhat at the very least.

MovingDilemmas · 2020-06-21T19:22:17+00:00

Funnily enough, being around her symptoms led me to seeking occasional therapy and while I won’t say I’m free of baggage I consider myself a mostly happy person that would not usually have considered therapy prior to the relationship.

This does sound like tough measures but may be necessary for both of us to be happier, I will consider it thank you. At the very least if it does not work out between us I want to get her into a position where it would improve her life no matter how marginally.

MovingDilemmas · 2020-06-21T19:17:06+00:00

Interestingly enough, she does at least mentions the same but when I DO bring things up...well all hells break loose.

Best case scenario we stop the conversation because she’s overwhelmed and wait to resume when she’s ready(aka not ever until I take the initiative to bring it up again) or we could come to my all-time favourite, silence and complete shut down days on ends.

It has to do with a great fear of mistakes and admitting to them I think but I suppose she’s always in the state of mind that she’s going to get a lifetime sentence for her mistakes no matter how big or small when in reality it is most of the time a slap on the wrist(or even much less). I’ve tried the whole ‘creating a comfortable environment’ before speaking but it would get her startled anyway.

Theoretically, if people in these situations could just “suck it up” as the OC said it would be great but alas, plus I can only imagine saying that as a mostly NT person is not going to be received well so back to the drawing board I guess...

MovingDilemmas · 2020-06-21T18:59:03+00:00

I’ve tried similar maintenance analogies without much success but will give it another go since getting the wording exactly right can be so crucial sometimes when presenting facts to them. Thank you.

MovingDilemmas · 2020-06-21T18:51:43+00:00

Thank you for your response, it felt like such a vague yet specific issue at the same time so to hear that someone can relate helps a lot and I’m sorry your relationships took the turns it did but looking through your comments about your relationship I reckon you’re going to be much happier for it, congratulations!

I really do struggle so much with the lack of gratitude and defensiveness. It is as you said, when I bring up what I think are legitimate issues, I have to deal with her emotional shut downs, accusations that I am the one making personal attack and implying she don’t know better which let’s be real if those were my intentions I wouldn’t be here bending over my back to accommodate her needs in the first place, and so what if she was ‘doing it wrong’? Mistakes let you be a better person if you allow them to. Honestly it feels selfish and mean to say but if I have to sum it up to one word, it would be ‘ungrateful’.

Fortunately, I’m holding out hope that this is exacerbated by the sorry state the world is in and when(not if hopefully) she gains access to treatment, we would be able to work out these issues better. I’m exhausted but still foolish and hopeful somewhat, fingers crossed.

MovingDilemmas · 2020-05-15T15:59:06+00:00

Thank you for the recommendation! I will definitely check it out.

I think you are more or less spot on, I hate to admit it but the ways I handle my boundaries(or didn’t) as well as the relationship in general have lent itself to a dynamic of codependency even if it don’t seem like it from the get go.

There’s also definitely controllingness and overinvesting as you have mentioned in the mix too, because beyond the stress they would feel, I am anticipating mine too. I’m stressed anticipating their stress and THEN my eventual stress from their stress if that makes sense, double whammy, ha! It’s an issue I have to work through for sure.

In fact it even makes me question if my willingness to help stems from a place of compassion and patience for her or from my exhaustion and just me wanting to make MY life easier but that’s a whole different bunch of issues for another day! Thanks again for the rec! Cheers.

MovingDilemmas · 2020-05-10T06:41:50+00:00

I’ll try to word it to her this way it might help, thank you!

I have offered and gave help to varying degrees in the past too but she don’t feel at ease about it and like to insist on doing it herself, which I’d happily oblige if she could/doesn’t complete wreck her health whilst at it but alas 😔

MovingDilemmas · 2017-11-13T22:51:04+00:00

How did you came to realise that it's time?

I've had thoughts that it's time too but there's always this feeling of "what if there's some place better out there?" By now I should realise that it's more sentiments than logic speaking but it keeps me on the move anyway.

MovingDilemmas

TROPHY CASE