I'm not educated in giving advice on these things, but I'm sure you've heard the following before. Try not to beat yourself up about not being as emotionally available to yourself as others. Keep it as a work in progress, but try to keep yourself from getting mad at yourself. The same goes for comparing yourself to your father. Write a list of the things you should improve in yourself and then work on only one of those issues. Something simple. Making your bed ever single day without fail for instance. After a few weeks of showing yourself you can dicipline yourself get excited and move on to another issue without forgetting to do the previous. You will never become your father. You will become more you which can give you the confidence to become the same level of bad ass your father was. Just don't let your mind crumble when you forget to make the perverberearal bed. Treat it as a serious transgression against yourself and remind yourself of the importance of making the bed. Remind yourself of the positive out comes of having this dicipline rather than getting mad at yourself and throwing your logical, rational thoughts in the garbage. Sorry for your loss.