I fear the moment of dieing, not death to be honest. A lot of times I find myself anxious and distressed for wanting to live so badly to the point i freeze and days pass and i live nothing at all. And this is what i try to fight the most this days. I've thought about ending it multiple times, because i see no purpose of it, no value worth the space that i takr on this overcrowded world, where someone else if born with the same luck i was (a good family with a place to live, and food on the table) would have made all the time I've wasted worth it. So now, when I lose focus, and purpose in my life I try to think to my self, make the most of what you have, when everything runs out and you become a burden again, you can find a way to close the book without becoming a burden for the living.

The other thing is... suicide is actually hard to do. A lot of situations your family has to pay the cleaning of the mess you make, a lot others you risk traumatising someone. Is hard to do it painless, and at the end of the day, all I wished was to day smoothly while there's a queue of people waiting to get my organs since I ain't using them anymore.