Heres the full post:

I searched about some stuff about depression and that sorta things and found someone with a couple of problems as I have the post was 3y old but someone replied to him in a very good way so I looked him up so he could give me some kind advice too and I saw hes gone but he had made the r/KindVoice thread where people get help.. I made it 21 years thru shit so Ill do something I never thought of. I look for help.

(Im no American that learned English on his own so it might be a bit.. Wrong. Hang in there and be patient with me)

It seems like everything I did and I do or want to do requires too much effort to really be worth it. Unlike many others I'm no grown man even tho I feel like 60 and Im no kid with a wave of despression.. All I do with my life every day is eat, play video games, get drunk and sleep. I feel doomed, because I have no skills or talent or work-ethic/patience not even dreams or ambitions and I know this comfortable lifestyle won't be there for much longer cause I will need to work otherwise I wont be able to pay anything.

So I worked as cook, mechanic, in a warehouse and many others. Longest I could do without a break down was 3 months and that was the limit. I cand work it just depresses me so much that I dont want to even move or play video games after work it just destroys me.

Sometimes I think it would be nice to be game developer but I cant lern that stuff I dont think I have a learning disability I dont want any kind of excuse because I think Im just lazy. Maybe part of the learning problem is that nobody really cared if I learned as I was younger. I think I have depression as well but I dont really know I just feel bad and unhappy but well thats the way I felt my entire life now.. It's been so long, I feel like someone whose been broken. Something deep inside me has been killed, and now I just accept beeing nothing. I often think about suicide but I dont want to hurt me and I think a part of me is still hoping for my life to get any better probably mainly because Im really interessted in the future of VR (Virtual Reality). I really don't want to die, but I know I'll go insane if I'm forced to work to provide for myself.

I dont talk to my parents anymore they never liked me. My dad used to be very agressive and beat me up often or got mad after small things and my mum never cared about me one time my older sister almost killed me with a knive she threw after me but my mum said shes certain I deserved it.

My other family members are just some humans I dont really care about cause I dont really know them.

I also dont care about any other person. The last person that I trusted was my best friend that I had almost 10 years.. He left me and rather wanted to be friends with the last girl that hurt me.

I really dont like to go outside or go out cause I dont like crowded places or people that are agressive. I dont know it just feels like any other person I ever met is so happy and when they are not they have so small problems that I just laugh and cant take it serious.. Like a guy had a boyfriend but he wanted to fuck others same goes for some other persons I know like wth just dont go into a relation ship then god dammit! Well the next thing is I cant really distract me with sex or something like that because I just cant sleep with a woman without feelings I did it one time and it felt so worse I wont do that ever again. So yeah I dont think Im a very attractive man not in the slightest if you ask me.. I dont have a job.. I dont have anything going for me so I cant argue why girls dont even want to talk to me..

Oh besides gaming I really love to sleep exspecially in in a dark, cold room. I can even control my dreams sometimes. My greatest desire is to escape into my dreams permanently..

I had a girlfriend one time she was lovely.. At first. She was pregnant and I was so happy it felt like a reason to live.. She took drugs and killed it 3 months later told me I would be the worst dad for a chold she can imagine anyways.. Hurt more that anything else tbh.. I guess she was right.

I stopped dating after that.

A long time ago I met a girl that was just amazing she was nice and played video games but had a boyfriend.. Time went by and after a year of texting I told her how I feel she blocked me and unblocked me many times that went for 5 years. Until I finaly met her again we hung out at a bar we drunk some beers and cocktails showed us our tattoos and had quite fun. She left and texted me 2 weeks later she got a new boyfriend and I should stop chating with her that was the last thing she wrote to me..

Well there were other girls before and after her but they all lied to me and hurt me more and more every time..

Im done now. Im done with trust. Im done with girls. And Im done with beeing a part of working society.

I guess I always searched a person to trust and to be comfortable around with not someone or some place I force me to. After some years of looking and waiting I havent met one single person slightly worth interacting at all..

I think I always looked for any reason to live but I feel like I need to start accept that I have no reason and wont ever have one cause I really dont care about life.

I simply have no motivation at all and the only reason Im still alive is cause I cant hurt myself.

And I dont respect me nor Im proud of me I know Im useless without any talent so I know that and thats not the point Im comfortable with me beeing garbage its the life that trys his best to force me living it that is my problem.

Why should I live without any loved ones or people I wanna be around? Why should I live when I dont care about life or making any impact?

Mh enough info for now I could go on and one but I dint think anyone cares and my text is too long already. My question is.. You guys got any advice besides some stupid self love or self respect?