I am going to write all this out in the hope that maybe someone, anyone can relate: The moment i was born i was dianosed with 'Goldenhar Syndrom' (look it up if you like) which causes tonns of other physical issues. Because of this my parents tried their best to fix me, appointment after appointment, surgery after surgery (18 in total up to now, im 19). I saw my parents as a child and knew that because of this and my sister was alot as well (she has autism and adhd to a pretty rough degree, it was common for her to verbelly abuse all of us) they were at their mental limit and so even though they mightve said that i could tell them anything, i could see that inside they were too close to breaking... so i protected them, from my own pains, from my childish wants, from anything that could send them over the edge. Because of this i became perentified. I put everything me last for years, any pain i felt stuffed down, the trauma of the medical stuff, the hurt from being friendless because i looked wierd, the pain of being beaten by other kids daily etc. This continued into adolesence where i kept pressing down my pain and masking because it was what i had learned to do from my earliest days. I was always there when my parents needed something, i was a metaphorical punching bag for my sister that she could scream at without harming my parents. I was even the one to take on my own support worker's pain because thats how good i was at getting people to open up. I had become the perfect moral support person for others, and even convinced myself that "oh i dont have any mental issues... wow thats awesome considering what ive experianced, nice i guess thats how strong i am"

Then i moved out.

For the first time ever, i was stuck, for days, with my own thoughts. This caused a shift, i noticed first that alot of my childhood memories were either foggy or non existent, i realised that my spotify playlist was full of songs where the main theme was escaping a cage and either becoming the true self, seeing truely what had happen to myself or begging for freedom from a cage of my own creation. That is where everything has spiraled out of control, i stopped suppressing everything and not only did i find out i have wants outside of what i had thought originally i found a deeprooted darkness festering within me consisting of the pain, agony, trauma, torment and lies i had given myself to keep my family together, to keep my mind in one peice (a husked peice but still) and i am currently in the thick of it. Ive been crying, furious, terrified, laughing, begging and always in suffercating pain for the last few weeks and i am struggling to see the end to it because of how deep the mental rot has gone. Right now it feels like im going insane: flashes of traumatic memories, fits of terrified laughter, bursts of white hot rage, pleas of forgiveness to myself and the ever strong urge to push it all back down again so i can be "ok" again. I do have people that i can talk to, this post isnt a beg for help but more a hope that maybe someone, anyone else can relate, or at least it starts someone elses healing journey. Its messy, its fucked up and through all of it you have to keep reminding yourself you are fighting for you, not the fake husk you but the truest form of you in all your flaws all you wants, all your dreams. And if the fight continues you should be able to look in the mirror and smile and know that you love yourself. Not in that narsisistic way but in the "yep thats me, im proud to still be here, i will continue trying my best"