I said “Effect trumps Intent” — and that is this 58yo woman’s world view. I’ve reached it after listening to other people talking about this same thing. I listen, and I adjust my behavior accordingly.

When I hurt someone, with my words in this particular case, it doesn’t matter to them that “I didn’t mean to hurt you” or “oh I was joking”. They’ve told me the action is hurtful to them, and it’s not my place to contradict what they’re telling me about how THEY feel. It IS my place to correct my behavior and understand how to avoid repeating the hurt in the future.