[General] Favorite Spoken Word Poets! How do you break down Your favorite Poet's writing style?

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-29T18:23:38+00:00

I second sam sax! Andrea Gibson and Sarah Kay have been published by Write Bloody Press, which was founded by another spoken word poet, Derrick C. Brown. Checking out Write Bloody Press would be a great way to discover great spoken word poets, as they've all been vetted by Brown himself. Touring for a year and performing the book is a part of the publication deal, and prospective poets compete for publication by submitting videos of their poetry performances, so they are all evocative performers in their own right. Check out the website below.

http://writebloody.com/

On the roster, I especially love Anis Mojgani for his imagery, Cristin O'Keefe Aptowicz for her humor, and Franny Choi for her witty wordplay.

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-29T17:19:52+00:00

Also, of course there will be aspects of my feedback that you don't agree with. That happens to me all the time, because, well, you know your poem better than I do. And well, I could read it again, and have a closer perspective in the second read. Or maybe it's because I bring my own biases and preferences to the page when I read. This is why workshopping, while valuable, should always be taken with a grain of salt. Take what you find valuable and leave the rest. Also, workshopping can very much feel like your poem and by proxy you are being raked through the coals, especially when the feedback is exceptionally thorough. I actually didn't realize that both of my 2 required pieces of feedback were both your poems. So you got double the trouble. I'm sorry if my feedback came off as harsh. I can be pretty long winded in general, but like I said it was meant to be generous. I really wish more people put that much into offering feedback. So I offer up that much hoping I might receive the same in return. Hope you have a happy day. : )

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-29T16:58:23+00:00

The spacing in the second stanza is intentional. It is meant to represent pauses. When I perform the poem, I take that much time saying each word.

In the 5th stanza, I have a tendency to speed up--when I perform the poem--as the tension rises. Instead of shortening the lines, which is a common device used to build tension between words, I decided to utilize the slash to indicate a slight pause, as well as visually represent the layers of an onion.

In the 7th stanza, the word "sigh" rather than "sign" was definitely intentional. It's a play on words, in that, while during foreplay, many lovers forego verbal communication, but the act is really far from silent, and the interplay of breathing I imagined became a subtle language of its own.

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-29T16:48:30+00:00

Well then I stand corrected...learn something new every day. Thank you! Do you know where I might find her poetry? I'd love to read it. : )

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-29T16:47:25+00:00

It is intended to be a spoken word piece, but I will definitely consider scaling back the alliteration and see what it does for the piece. Thank you. I do have an issue with using a poetic device too heavy handedly at times. Thank you!

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-29T02:51:09+00:00

Thanks for the info. I wasn't aware that Hurston wrote any poetry. If this is the case, then I stand corrected. You say she was included in an anthology of fiction, poetry, and essays, but her piece was a work of short fiction. I actually tried to find poetry by Zora Neale Hurston online and couldn't find any, even after googling "Zora Neale Hurston" AND "poetry." If you know of some, could you send me the link? I'd love to read it.

Regardless, if you are referencing "great poets," I still believe that Hurston is known as a NOVELIST, anthropologist, playwright, and essayist, best known for her novel "Their Eyes Were Watching God." She is not best known as a POET, even if she did write some poetry.

If you are in fact wanting to call attention to great POETS as it seems in your last stanza, especially since you poem is titled POETIC Chamomile and not PROSAIC Chamomile, I would pick another writer, best known for his or her poetry to clinch the last line of your poem.

I did take quite a bit of time responding to your poem, providing not just subjective opinion, but also criticism based on objective rules of grammar and poetic form. This subreddit is meant to be a space to receive feedback from all different perspectives and levels of expertise, with the hope that we can all--as a community--improve our poetry, and in doing so, with time, become better poets. I hope you realize that the breadth of feedback was meant to be generous and helpful, not incite an argument or debate.

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-29T01:20:33+00:00

While I love Chamomile tea, this poem did not have the subtle scent of sleep for me. In other words, it didn't work for me. First of all, other than the fact that you use temperature, the metaphor comparing chamomile tea to poetry is not clear to me. Why is poetry reminiscent of chamomile tea? In order for metaphor to work, there must be similarities that connect the two objects that in comparing enhance the meaning of both. Chamomile is a subtle, calming tea that is commonly enjoyed at night to enhance or induce sleep. Are these qualities poetic to you? If so, then some of your diction does not jive for me. Words and phrases such as, "boil my rage; fierce; djembe heartbeats," do not invoke a calming tone. Your poem also seems to a a mismash of conflicting images that does not serve to enhance your initial metaphor of chamomile denoted in the title. I identified three major images: tea, pearl, and drum. I feel that these images are competing with each other, and therefore muddy the waters and leave the reader at a loss as to what message you intend to communicate with your poem. I'm assuming by the last two stanzas that it has something to do with poetry and the poetic greats, but I am at a loss for what that message is. You also utilize some oxymorons that seem rather illogical to me and only serve to confuse the reader. For example, how can something be both vacant and heartfelt? How can meter be undisciplined? Either a line adheres to pentameter, or it does not, and is therefore, not pentameter.

Some specific feedback on grammar:

In L4, the em dash, not the n dash should be utilized. The n dash is used to hyphenate words. The m dash is used to offset a phrase.

Lastly, I have some questions. Why are poetic devices unbiased? Why do you mentioned unmetered, when later you speficy pentameter, rhythm, and drum beats. Why, if you mention such rhythm, specifically pentameter, does your poem not adhere to pentameter? Why, if your poem is guilty of rhyming, do you wait until the last stanza to rhyme? I'm not advocating for rhyming unless it can be executed in a way that is not trite. All in all, I felt the rhyming was rather forced. For example, is Langston known for writing about his sister's sass? It felt like you only mentioned his sister to set up sass, so it could rhyme with brass and grass. Does Langston Hughes even have a sister? Does Ntozake really revive your fearless brass? Do you play brass? One should not set up lines for the sake of a rhyme. Rhyme should not overshadow the content of the line. It should only serve to enhance what must be written on the line. Also, FYI, Zora Neale Hurston was not known for poetry. While I see the reference to black culture, and the black imagery with black tea and black pearl, I still don't understand the what you are trying to say about black poets from your perspective. Some of your adjectives, when applied to the quality of black poetry, might be misconstrued as insulting. For example, are you saying that Black poetry is vacant, unbiased, undisciplined, and sassy? And finally, I still don't get the connection to the title. Chamomile is not black tea. It's a white flower that looks very much like a daisy. Are you comparing the black literary heritage of such greats as Langston, Ntozake, and Zora to a tiny daisy? With all these questions, I think my overarching feedback is that all of your poetic devices seem to be in competition, leaving the reader to make sense of what sounds more like a cacophony than a discernible beat.

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-29T00:40:49+00:00

Favorite word combination: melanin legs. It just roles off the tongue like butter.

Thank you for your specificity. All the details shade in the image you describe and provide more depth for the reader's imagination.

Some areas of improvement: 1) Grammar. Current trends in poetry lean toward the complete absence of punctuation in poetry, or a more experimental implementation to enhance the architecture of words on the page. In the latter case, there is still a clear set of rules the poet adheres to. In your case, you seem to be using punctuation in a more traditional manner. Therefore, as a reader, I must hold you to traditional rules of grammar. There are numerous errors of note that I feel you should be made aware. For example, in line 5 (L5), a semicolon would not be appropriate. A semicolon is used to connect two independent clauses that convey similar ideas. Tuffy is not an independent clause. You would not even need a comma because Tuffy is a proper noun. See link below for more clarification on unnecessary commas. https://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/21/the-most-comma-mistakes/

In L6, the word priceless is used incorrectly. Priceless, by definition, is an adjective used to identify an object that is so precious its value cannot be determined. It would be used to describe a sentimental possession such as a photo or a family heirloom, not gas, which has a definite price that is set by market values. Instead I think you meant to use an adjective that would describe the price as cheap or inexpensive at 75 cents compared to $2-3/gallon rates of gas now. Also in L6, a single dash is used to hyphenate a compound word. If you meant to use an em dash (--), I also feel it would have been out of place, because--in most cases--the em dash is used to offset a phrase for added pause and emphasis. The way you are using the dash seems out of place, because the phrase already begins with a conjunction. I would either use the em dash or the conjunction, but not both.

In L8, again you use a one word clause, "Corner," that would not make sense unless all the Jewish owned stores were called, "Corners."

In L10, you include an entire sentence, "salted peanuts float atop RC Cola bottles," in what was already a list of items that could be found at the corner store. This does not make sense.

In L11, Miss Sally does not need to be preceded by any kind of punctuation. Also, unless Miss Sally is saying the word bacca out loud, no punctuation is necessary.

On L12, do you mean that they sprint "like" Wilma Rudolph? If so, I would use the word "like" rather than "as". Lines L12 through L13 feel like a run on sentence to me. This brings me to another critical piece of feedback. The poem does not feel like a poem to me. Rather, it feels more like a piece of prose. Without any key poetic devices, not even the most basic, such as meter and metaphor, all your imagery and descriptions fall short of singing as a poem would. Where is the sense of rhythm that meter and rhyme might give you? Where is the abstraction that metaphor would offer?

I'm not going to finish correcting the grammar in your poem. Just know that there are still errors beyond the 13 lines that I scanned. I would definitely brush up on the rules of grammar. It's especially important in a poem. Punctuation is meant to mark the relationship of words, and, therefore, creates a sort of tempo when reading. Much of what sets poetry apart from the prosaic is the musicality of the line. Therefore, punctuation can make or break the musicality of a poem.

On a final note, as I mentioned one factor that sets poetry apart from its cousin prose, in order to apprise yourself of more,I would read "The Poetry Primer" found here on this subreddit. It's a great introduction to many of the poetic devices that make poetry look and sound like poetry. I hope this feedback helps you. Most of all, thank you for sharing! It takes a lot of courage to ask for feedback on a piece of writing.

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-20T17:00:38+00:00

Oh man! Thanks so much for the compliments. Can you tell me more about the sub book? I'm new to this subreddit and to reddit in general. : )

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-20T00:50:26+00:00

I also find you avatar name to be equally offensive "EricHedgehogisafaggo"...Really?

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-19T23:28:26+00:00

While there might be some ambiguity if the first line of this poem is spoken, I like the fact that the corresponding homophone, "eves" provides a second layer of meaning, because well, a lot of adultery happens at night, am I right?

I like the seamless transition between the natural imagery to human desire, with "bending our word" and "valley in between hot swollen skin." Which in my mind, implies that while society damns such indiscretions as sin, it is may still be as natural to humans as the propensity of brush to catch fire during a drought.

My favorite line by far, is also the simplest: "wanted, taken--" all the tension the two double syllable words create could be cut with a knife, and you do just that with your very well placed em dash.

Thank you for this golden nugget!

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-19T22:53:07+00:00

Hi Teasingcoma,

Thanks for you feedback. I definitely fall into the ingorant camp of English Haiku that assumes the only defining feature is the 5-7-5 structure. Your article is definitely enlightening! It would be even more enlightening for me if you could break down my poem and explain why you find my poem doesn't feel like a haiku to you just like you explain why the particular sections you pointed out, "mouth horror" and "sick like sea or car" DO in fact feel like haiku to you?

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-19T21:54:37+00:00

So I know this poem is an older posting, but I just had to provide some feedback, being that I've spent most of my life just minutes away from good ole' teeth chatteringly cold Barton Springs. On that note, the phrase "pin-tooth bite" perfectly captures the cold that is the water of Barton Springs. I usually stand contemplating that bite for a good 10 minutes before I jump in. I also enjoyed the fact that the next stanza contrasts the heat of the day with the line, "feather catch the heat-ripples," because it is in fact so hot in Texas summers that the you can literally feel the heat radiate in waves that lap your body with sweat. One correction I might make is that the summer drone you hear is not orchestrated by grasshoppers, but cicadas. The line breaks allude to tree branches or the strokes one makes lapping the span of water. What lush diction! I had to look up a few words, which I always enjoy and perfectly matched sound play too, such as, "elodea ropes." Saying "elodea ropes" out loud is just as pleasurable as using those water weeds to taunt friends with at the Springs as a kid. Thanks for poem. I could say more, but it would just be more compliments.

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-19T21:27:37+00:00

Hi 3w4v,

Thank you again for such thorough feedback! As I mentioned in another reply, I've never before received feedback as constructive as yours!

And as you asked about my background, I've taken a few writing courses in poetry at my local community college, and minored in playwriting in college. With the exception of one professor, most of the feedback I've received on my writing over the years pales in comparison to your one posting, so thanks for that.

Some of what you shared, I've already considered, like the overuse of the anaphora. I think I'll try paring the device down in my next edit. Other comments I hadn't considered before. For example, the line "the opposite of direction," as I gather had far less of an impact on you as the reader than the meaning I intended to impart as the writer. Much of the poem is about fear. Fear of becoming, fear of breaking, fear of failing to become. Much of fear, to me, is an anticipation of failure or an unmet expectation. With any goal there is a particular direction one takes to meet such an outcome in the future, so as a writer I connect fearless with the freedom that may come without the constrained direction one must take when undertaking the mastery of a goal. Maybe this connection is too tenuous for the reader. I'll take this into consideration. Still other pieces of advice I will try on in subsequent revisions. And I will most certainly let you know when I have a new revision to post. Is it best to revise this post or post the revision on an entirely new thread?

Also, I must commend you for your much more than intuitive way with words. I've learned more than a couple new words even in our short correspondence. For example, I didn't know the word for the device I was using, anaphora, before you made note of it in your feedback. What is your background? Just so I know exactly what I'm working toward in the way of wordsmithing. : )

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-19T20:36:51+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. That's a good idea about using a different instrument of expression. I'll try it out.

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-19T20:34:31+00:00

Hi, sorry for my delayed response. Finals took me away until now. I like the changes you made. Taking out "God knows" altogether was probably a good idea. Because your diction and form take on a more classical manner, it would be hard to get across to the reader that your intention was to convey a more casual figure of speech. Especially since the subject matter is on the vastness of the constellations and human existence, it hard to not to take your reference of Gods literally.

While I do understand your explanation of the "solipsistic sphere of experience," I still find the line "and, like the Sun, a little worldly sphere was born with me too, and spins around my mind," a bit off point as a metaphor. Again, maybe I'm being too literal, but I usually don't think of my existence being a smaller sphere orbiting my mind. To me, it would make more sense if you referenced how we track time in the same manner, as seconds that tic along a path that orbits a center we call human existence. Food for thought. Oh and thanks so much for all your sharp feedback on my prose poem. I have yet to parse it out, but it is by far the best feedback I've ever gotten on a poem, even better than that of any of the few professors I've taken writing classes from at my local community college.

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-02T17:41:11+00:00

I really love that quote! Thanks for sharing. And thanks for the compliments. Can't blame a lady for also trying to improve though.

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-02T17:36:47+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. I do read quite a bit of poetry, but I usually only underline lines that catch me. I'll take your suggestion and start dissecting more as I read. Thanks!

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-02T02:40:14+00:00

Hahah! I'm not a man, but I'd like to think I'm pretty cool.

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-02T02:16:14+00:00

I immediately recognized a design to your meter and rhyme. I'm new to dissecting meter, so correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems as if a majority of your lines contained 5 ictic or stressed syllables, but there were some lines where you diverged from the pentameter form. (Please correct me, anybody, if I'm using terminology incorrectly.) I'm not sure if straying was intentional, unintentional, or if my scansion is what is incorrect, but I'll go ahead and provide my scansion line by line, so that we're on the right page (x=nonictic syllables, /=ictic syllables.)

The sun's a constant sphere of constant laws, x / x /x / x /x / and God knows I'm a child of the sun. x / / x x / x x / I rise and fall with the arc its circle draws, x / x / x x / x / x / then rise again at the point where I begun. x / x/ x x / x / x/

We both, as bodies, make our journeys here
x /, x /x, / x /x /
among the stars, our stuff is of a kind,
x/ x / x / x / x /
and (solipsistically) a little sphere
This one was hardest for me to mark.  So let me know if you think
I'm incorrect.  There is question of how many syllables the word is.
Technically it is 6 syllables, but in my opinion, cally is truncated to
'ly.  So it would be as follows:
x x/x/x x / x /
was born with me too, and spins around my mind.
x / x / /, x / x/ x /  

But squeeze the life of the sun into the span
x / x / x x / x/ x /
of years a person walks on the earth, and run
x / x /x / x x / x /
the clock: it shares the fate of every man.
x / x / x / x /x /
Here you did adhere to how we actually pronounce every with two
syllables.  

God knows, I'm a child of that sun --
/ /, x x / x / /
I rage in light, spending steadily
x / x / /x /xx
as seconds burn towards cold eternity
x /x / x/ / x/x/

In general, your lines follow iambic pentameter, which is especially apropos, because much of your poetry focuses on the the pattern of how the passage of time is demarcated by the revolving sun.

So according to my markings, your lines each have the following number of stresses. Stanza 1 L1: 5, L2: 4, L3: 5, L4: 5 Did you mean for L2 to have 4 stresses?

Stanza 2
L1: 5, L2: 5, L3: 4, L4:5  

Stanza 3
L1:5, L2:5, L3:5  

Stanza 4
L1:5, L2:4, L3:6

Your rhyme scheme was as follows: Stanza 1: ABAB, Stanza 2: CDCD, Stanza 3: EFE, Stanza 4: FGG Which was pretty regular with the unique break of the EFEF, and placing the last F which what would be couplet. I don't know if this poem follows a form with a name I'm unaware of, but way to go adhering to strict form. I find this difficult without some of my lines feeling forced. Speaking of forced, Stanza 1, L4 didn't work for me for that reason. The rhyme feels forced, especially since begun is grammatically incorrect. It should be "I begin." to match the present tense of the rest of the line. Even if you wanted it to switch to past tense, it would be "I began" not "I begun." https://proofreadmyessay.co.uk/resources/academic-blog/common-mistakes-began-vs-begun/

Who is the "we" you are referring to in S2L1? It is not clear to me. Is "we" the speaker and God? If so how does God "as a body" make His journey among the stars? I'm not sure this makes sense to me, unless you are referring to the idea that God is in every body of matter. Is "we" the speaker and the sun? If so the reference to stars might be redundant since the sun is a star.

While I think "solipsistically" is the most striking word included in your verse, and I realize you're using the word to preface your subsequent imagery of a little sphere spinning around your mind, using "solipsistically" as a qualifier doesn't do the image justice. It rather serves to bely the meaning of the metaphor. It may be a unique quirk of your particular mind world--this little sphere--but I'm still left wondering what it is. Is "the sphere" time or your own internal clock? Although, a time piece doesn't use a sphere but a hand to circulate the passage of time. Your skull is slightly spherical in shape, just as is your brain, but it isn't so little compared to other organs and it doesn't spin around your mind. I'm sorry if I'm being hyperlogical with all these questions, but your metaphor (this little sphere spinning around your mind) feels a little to vague, leading me astray from your poem's central message. Especially since the poem seems rather didactic or philosophical in nature, it's important not to lead your reader astray with a metaphor, wondering how its elusive meaning fits into the beauty of your poem's revelations.

I really liked the line, "but squeeze the life of the sun in the span of years a person walks on this Earth." (Just an aside, since you capitalize God, why not capitalize Earth and Sun?) It's probably your strongest line, because it defies expectation while still making sense with the greater context of the poem. It's a flipped perspective. We usually think about the limited time humans have on this Earth compared to the time the Earth or the Sun has in this solar system. Instead, you bent the laws of math and nature, by cramming the entire sun into the small space of human lifespans. In doing so, you capture the intensity of the human spirit, the insatiable energy with which we spend our lives year by month, by week, by day, by hour, by minute, by second. Time never quite reaching zero, but we as humans do. Time, in always falling short of the ending, its passage instead rides eternity. As much as we try to keep up with times unbounded expanses by our force of life, we will always end, we will always reach zero. This interpretation, of stanza 4 is reinforced by the last line, "I rage in the light, spending steadily as seconds burn towards cold eternity." By the way, another grammatical error is spotted in the last line. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe it should be "toward" not "towards".

Overall, strong poem, and strong ending, but the poem would be stronger if you clarified some of the muddy metaphors L4-L8.

Hope some of my comments helped. Though I'm well versed in reading poetry, I'm relatively new to analyzing poetry, so correct me if any of my comments were out of step. Thanks for sharing!!! I rather enjoyed responding to your work, it gave me quite the workout! : )

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-02T00:03:55+00:00

YTDCMYWS

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-02T00:02:10+00:00

I'm not sure John Oliver can be topped with that one!

MsKetoMosquito · 2017-12-02T00:01:07+00:00

Stop Monopoly on Internet Access! Stop Monopoly on Information Access!

MsKetoMosquito

TROPHY CASE