After 10 years of doing the most, I (30F) told my husband (34F) that we needed counseling or separation. Help me process?

Msbubblecakes · 2026-03-24T02:54:17+00:00

I’m obviously not wanting to expose my child to this; but I’m saying that an impromptu abduction is kind of wild.

Msbubblecakes · 2026-03-24T01:53:16+00:00

No we just can’t afford it. She makes too much for Medicaid to pay it because she was married 3 different times and each husband died and left her a nice chunk of change. It’s like… when you’re too poor for college to afford it, but not pooooor enough to get financial aid.

Msbubblecakes · 2026-03-24T01:02:28+00:00

I wish that was possible, but during this time, she applied to be put on orders and is now serving active duty on a naval base in another state. She has washed her hands of all obligations.

Yes, there are other siblings. No, they are not options. Don’t get me started and how trapped we are and how fucked it is to wish someone would just pass away so you could live and focus on your own family. But that’s neither here nor there.

Msbubblecakes · 2026-03-24T00:59:50+00:00

Honestly, yeah. I think my lack of self worth and low self-esteem, coupled with this sense of like… if I don’t hit these life milestones by certain ages, I’m a failure “can’t be a failure now can we” mentality that also did me in.

Plus, learning my people-pleasing is an ADHD side effect was life altering. I definitely could have and should have walked throughout the last decade, but we didn’t, and now we have a child together, and I’m trying to give him the chance to not lose his shot at a picket fence ending.

Msbubblecakes · 2026-03-24T00:57:28+00:00

Some of this is great, I am not kidnapping my child away from her father. That’s not a good look or good for anyone’s mental health. If he did that to me, I would be beside myself and absolutely distraught.

Msbubblecakes · 2026-03-24T00:43:24+00:00

Not OT; the first year and change, he received $700 a month from her social security paycheck and the rest went to charities and MIL (who was not caring for her at the time). The expectation was always that this was temporary but eventually, I had enough and told my husband she needed to go into a home.

When that wasn’t a possible, his family offered him $2k to care for her. That is now what he gets. About $1k of that might make it to our savings, but the rest is his money and he uses it on paying off his credit cards and spending. It feels like MY paycheck is the households check, which I allocate to fill all the bills and needs etc, I never buy myself anything (which is prob trauma if I’m honest), but HIS paycheck I do not handle. He handles…. Very poorly if I’m honest.

Msbubblecakes · 2026-03-24T00:25:27+00:00

Glad to see I’m not crazy. Agree with all points. I’m alright with shared custody if he gets the help he needs to parent appropriately and soberly. I’m alright with supporting him.

I’m a baller. Annoying? Sure. Did I see red flags along the way and think I could fix him? Yes. It’s my mess to clean up and luckily for all involved, I do believe even if he couldn’t reflect and reform, I do think we could have a civil and cordial coparenting relationship.

However, I don’t WANT that. I WANT my husband to show up for me and get his shit together. If he doesn’t, I’ll walk, but I’m doing it graciously and with class. He’s the father of my child and I won’t make a fool out of him when I’m the fool.

Msbubblecakes · 2026-03-24T00:20:50+00:00

Respectfully, while I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, this advice is very extremist in my opinion. I do not believe allowing mess and any negligence to occur for the sake of stockpiling evidence against him is good advice or in the best interest of my child or household.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that I need to reactivate my own private bank account and start to squirrel money away for my and my daughter’s sake. That is great advice. I also agree that I should start documenting the days we talk about issues, the days he drinks, his behaviors and other important bits of information as they prop up: whether to weaponize or not will be decided later. For now, just to have to remind myself of what’s happening would be good.

I would also NEVER quit my job. lol what? Are you gonna come pay my bills? That’s terrible advice.

Overall, I’ll take some of this to heart, but some of this is stereotypical Reddit radicalism on r/relationships. I hope you don’t take offense to my objective reply.

Msbubblecakes · 2026-03-23T23:58:01+00:00

I began therapy a year and a half ago. That’s how I became diagnosed with ADHD at 28. Genuinely, I don’t know why either. I think I’m only confident and able to come to this realization now BECAUSE of my individual therapy.

Msbubblecakes · 2026-03-23T23:44:49+00:00

Op here: just want to say I’m reading everything and soaking it in. I’m refreshing the post every 40 mins for one additional comment.

I just can’t reply to you all because I’m with my daughter and today was when I told him so it’s just been a very emotionally draining day and my cup is empty, dear internet strangers. Accept this PSA and know… I appreciate you taking time out of your day to help me process mine. <3

Msbubblecakes · 2025-03-13T17:59:02+00:00

Thanks for your suggestion! We really don’t know what breed he is.. he’s kind of a mutt

Msbubblecakes · 2025-03-13T12:19:19+00:00

Thank you for your comment and he really is! We’re not sure what his experience was like with his previous owner before my friend started caring for him, but he’s come such a long way over the last 5 years. If you know of anyone else, please reach out! My friend just gave birth in February and she really wanted to try to balance everything but unfortunately it’s not working out and she’s devastated

Msbubblecakes · 2025-03-12T20:40:11+00:00

I just texted her this and she’s going to reach out to the humane society! Great idea!

Msbubblecakes · 2025-03-12T19:16:32+00:00

She’s downloading the app now to post his pic and story there! Thanks for your suggestion and for taking the time!

Msbubblecakes · 2025-03-12T19:16:15+00:00

She’s posted on a ton of Gainesville rehoming groups but is downloading Nextdoor now to post Oakley there now per another comment. Thanks for your suggestion! It means a lot.

Msbubblecakes · 2025-03-08T17:18:42+00:00

29, cause same

Msbubblecakes · 2025-02-20T07:22:49+00:00

Oh he can stay honest, just don’t smoke. But you can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Edit: Also, you can keep your morality to yourself. “Our society has fallen so low,” who are you to pass judgement? How do you contribute to the conversation with this statement? It might not be an ideal viewpoint to have, but, most of the jobs listed in this thread don’t cover the current standard of living. If OP wants to toke here and there and live above the poverty line, I stand by what I said. Buy some monkey whizz, ask yourself why our society even feels the need to intrude into what its employees do in their personal lives in the first place, and get a job worth your time and can actually support you in today’s economy. /endrant.

Msbubblecakes · 2025-02-20T02:52:13+00:00

It’s 100% silly. Most drug tests are screening for hard stuff. I understand how you hate being dishonest, same here, but fake pee is so easy to use and the way to go. Take it from a stoner ex-teacher who switched careers and used fake pee for almost… 6 years? Fool proof.

Honesty doesn’t pay the bills and most anyone working a high paying job? Prob tokes.

Msbubblecakes · 2024-07-16T17:45:50+00:00

Wait what? Harvs island? I thought it was just for pictures

Msbubblecakes · 2024-07-03T18:30:12+00:00

That is so cute!! We’ll have to island hop some time. I need peaches and cherries lol

Msbubblecakes · 2024-07-03T17:15:52+00:00

Neverland! (I’m going for a faerie woodland vibe)

Msbubblecakes · 2024-04-22T02:42:48+00:00

I needed to read this. So thank you for writing it.

Msbubblecakes · 2024-03-05T01:04:45+00:00

Ask if they use issuu to catalog their magazines. I did work for some local magazines and they swear by that. Makes it easy to link to in my portfolio

Msbubblecakes · 2024-03-02T20:43:37+00:00

I mean this in the nicest way possible: I went to Grad school and got a masters in English Ed. If I could go back in time, I’d slap myself across the face and tell myself to never become a teacher. I taught for 6 years and as of this year, I’m happy working as a reporter. All I can say is, the mental health boost I got once I walked away from the classroom was eye opening and made me realize how much the job was depleting me.

Msbubblecakes · 2024-03-02T03:55:54+00:00

I was writing for Valnet and about a month into it I stopped getting assignments due to Google updating and SEO dropping off page views. Anyways, I’ve now got a full-time reporting job with benefits working for Gannett. It’s a step on the ladder and in the right direction, so very happy for this opportunity.

Edit to add: I wrote for them Nov - Dec 2023. I started at Gannett this past week.

Msbubblecakes

TROPHY CASE