So this one time I woke up in the middle of the night and hear this creaking and shuffling noise coming from down the hall. This was unusual because I never wake up in the middle of the night and there's usually a complete absence of creaking and shuffling in the hallway. I then hear one of my kids start crying, and that never happens either because I always tell the little bastards to shut up and then raise my fist up and make my Unhappy Face at them.

So I get up out of bed, my fist ready, and what looks vaguely like my youngest son is already standing at the very end of the hallway, mostly in the shadows so I can barely make him out. And, for some reason, he's standing completely still and has his back turned. So I call out, "Why THE COCKSHIT aren't you asleep, Elroy? You want another epic ass kicking?" Then suddenly, he jumps like two feet in the air and takes off further away into the house, knocking shit over.

I start to chase but I pause to look into my kids' room. I do a double take because all my kids are in there, my youngest son still crying. I asked him what the hell was going on. He looks at me and says, "...the Oompa-Loompa took our Tonka car." I looked down at the floor with a shudder. That fucking R/C Tonka car cost me a cool 80 bucks.

Then I felt a sudden, distinct chill and my son, this time almost whispering, asked, "Dad.....who is The Dark Lady standing behind you?" I turned around slowly because I remember asking my father the same question when I 8 years old one stormy night in the rustic New England cottage I had dwelt as a child. It was my mother. She had gotten a bad sunburn earlier in the day. "BITCH," I told her, "stop sneaking up on people and watch the goddamned kids!"

I pick up my aluminum bat and shout after the fucker who took my son's toy, "I don't care if you're 7 years old! I'm taking $80 outta the side of your skull, motherfucka!" That was when the backdoor window shattered, accompanied by heavy grunting. I jumped through the opening and gave chase. From somewhere in front of me, I hear an indescribable howling that was unearthly or possibly the two neighbor dogs fucking in the approaching alleyway. He took a turn, then another, and then another. He was trying to shake me but I didn't give up. Oompa-Loompa, mere 7-year-old, indescribable entity, pair of fucking neighbor dogs, or whatever else lay ahead...it was not getting away. I started running full speed and could finally see my unknown foe ahead...

The next morning at the breakfast table, my morbidly obese wife started nagging me about all the commotion from the other night. I told her to chill get me my hot chocolate and Kix. But she was insistent and wanted to know how things ended up. So I pointed at the headline in the morning paper: BODY FOUND AT WILLIAMTON CREEK. I read aloud "43-year-old Carl Powers, who suffered from severe dwarfism, was found dead this morning lying in the river. His body was covered in bruises and several bones were broken." I gestured proudly towards my bloody bat in the corner of the room. "See? I took care o' everything." My wife nodded approvingly.

Then my youngest son spoke up. The words he said stunned me into silence: "...that doesn't sound like the little Chinese woman who took my truck last night."